Some People's Kids: April 2008

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

When Hoiberg pulls a Tonya Harding

Imagine for a second that Kevin McHale didn't exist, or that Mchale wasn't Glen Taylor's secret lover. That Mchale was expendable within the Wolves franchise and said franchise had finally become willing to terminate his handshake agreement. It was blissful, wasn't it?

The reason for this mental exercise is simple- no McHale mean no Randy Whittman. No career .333 win percentage. Between Cleveland and Minnesota Wittman has won 96 games, lost 192 and never sniffed the playoffs. Whittman never should have risen above assistant coach in the NBA. I'd be fine with him being the head coach of Tulsa University or Coppin State, but a high profile gig does not suit a man of his basketball prowess.

You wanna know who has been to the playoffs 47 times and doesn't have a job? Avery Johnson... former undrafted role player who hit the championship clinching shot against the Knicks in 1999. Johnson has a career .735 win percentage and has won 23 of those playoff games he has coached in. The "Little General" would be the perfect man for the job... I can see him barking orders at our young lineup in his raspy voice, whipping them into shape. He wouldn't be taking orders from the vice president of who gives a fuck at this point. He'd listen, but he wouldn't play the puppet.

Wanna know who else may or may not be free next season? Mike D'antoni and his career .608 win percentage and has won 26 of the 51 playoff games he has coached in. The man who brought the European style of basketball stateside and had his teams drop bucket after bucket on the opposing team until they said enough and just gave up. His teams never really bothered with defense and that seems to be one of our weaknesses. We lack size, we're young enough to build up conditioning to function at a fast pace, don't we kind of sound like the Suns when D'antoni took over?

I know that this team does not possess the skill of either team that these two coaches previously ran, but either would most definitely be a step up from Whittman. Minnesota is used to getting the short end of the stick, win that 23rd game and we'll be happy. There will be no firings after the front office trades away a quality young player and team cohesion for a monster veteran contract that backfires. Chili's problem in his first year was that his team took a step back, I don't really have so much of a problem now that I see the team is headed in the right direction. I still can't believe that Tubby accepted his position and somehow hasn't bolted for a better opportunity. Bring in one of these two and I just might start watching the games again... hell, I might even go to one or two.

I almost forgot... no McHale would also mean a proper draft selection. Can't wait to figure out how he'll muck this one up.

Notes from the Foreskin... Vol. 2

It was a bad week and a half for Carmelo Anthony.

First, he gets pulled over on suspicion of DUI two days before the playoffs start with his team clinging to their respective playoff lives. Then his team goes out and lays a complete egg against the Lakers, getting swept 4-0 in the first round of the Western Conference Playoffs, during which time, 'Melo accused his team of quitting during the fourth quarter of a Game 3 bludgeoning. As the "leader" of that team, he simply can't do that. He can curse at his teammates behind closed doors, and call them quitters all he wants in that format, but he cannot go public with those feelings. That is extremely unfair to his teammates because it now paints everyone on that team as "QUITTERS" in everyone's eyes around the league. Already many of his fellow teammates have come out in their own defense. People always want to compare Carmelo to his fellow draft mates in Dwade, Lebron, and even Chris Bosh, but he will never be in the same league as a player like Lebron or Dwayne Wade because he fails to do the things that leaders need to do. Lead by example, come up big, don't break the law, and don't under any circumstances, call out your teammates in the public.

*On a separate side note that I thought was worth noting, somehow we made it through this whole series without an expose` or even some off color jokes about Kobe Bryant having to stay in a hotel in Denver for two nights without getting into any trouble.. I was SO looking forward to that one. ESPN & TNT, you let me down..

While we are on the subject of bad days...or for that matter, bad years...

The hits just keep coming for Roger Clemens. Amid all the hoopla that arose over the last 6 months about him using all sorts of performance enhancing drugs throughout his career, you can now add an affair and possibly statutory rape to the list. You have to hand it to this guy, when he goes down, he really goes down hard. A report surfaced that Clemens had a decade long affair with country music star, Mindy McCready, which allegedly started when McCready was the ripe old age of 15. Clemens would have been 28 at the time. Now, I have always understood older men's attraction to "younger" women, but this is pretty messed up. How can you, at Roger Clemens' level, put yourself out on a limb like that? Facing the possibility of jail time if anyone had found out back then. (And make no mistake, they would have made an example out of him, had they found out) Now, since Roger couldn't follow the popular fad of actually admitting his mistakes and decided to file a defamation of character lawsuit, the skeletons in that closet are a walkin', me boy.. He not only has to worry about his place in baseball history and whether or not, even with astounding numbers, he will make the hall of fame, he will also now have to seriously worry about a perjury charge or two. We have never seen a fall from grace like this before that I am aware of. Maybe Mike Tyson comes to mind, but he's quickly pushed aside because hes just bleepin' crazy. This story has some teeth and there's a lot more to come. So stay tuned. If you were wondering, here's what McCready has to offer at the moment. At a boy, Rog.. (but just imagine what she looked like at 15..) Ick

In yet another bad week story....
The Washington Wizards are officially the dumbest team in professional sports.
They have talent; alot of it. But what they do have in talent, they are equally as idiotic and immature as I've seen in a collection of players in a long, long time. Pick your Wizard, and I'm sure they have suffered from foot in mouth syndrome at some point either before or during this playoff series with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Gilbert Arenas said the Cavaliers couldn't possibly beat them three straight years in the playoffs and that they were hoping to face them in the 1st round. Deshawn Stevenson called Lebron overrated, and continues to talk shit and dish out flagrant fouls. Brendan Haywood can't shut up either, recently mocking King James in a whiny, pouty, child's tone of voice. And what did they get for their troubles? A 3-1 deficit in a series marked by extreme inconsistency that saw them lose by 36 one game and win by 30 + the very next. That reeks of immaturity. I have an idea.. Don't wake a sleeping giant! Lebron is scary good normally. You give him a chip on his shoulder and now you really have problems. Deshawn Stevenson, along with his 38% shooting, and the rest of the Wizards need to shut their mouths, take their whoopin', and go quietly into the night. Just like the last two years.

I have diarrhea of the mind right now. I'm spewing with talkers, so I must go on.

Larry Brown just got another coaching job. I'm lost for words. I'm flabbergasted. How do teams keep hiring this clown? Owners in the NBA must not like money. Here's the MO with Larry Brown: Sign a four year deal worth roughly 10 million dollars. Coach two years. Get sick/tired/bored. Get a buyout and the remaining $5 Million dollars for doing nothing. That's not an exaggeration. That's just how it is. He doesn't play young players and rookies, which Charlotte always has a lot of. It's sad, because I feel this is the last attempt by Charlotte Bobcats minority owner, Michael Jordan, to prove that he is a good NBA executive. I really hate to say it, but Mike got taken on this one.

Just one more, I promise..

This was kind of a late addition to the column tonight. I just watched the Spurs finish off the Suns in 5 games in their first round series. My disdain for the Spurs has reached a new level. They have now officially supplanted the Utah Jazz of the mid to late 90's in terms of my pure hatred for them. They are good. It's really hard to admit, but I will give them that. But what I can't stand to watch is the amount of bad calls that go their way. Down the stretch tonight, in an extremely close game, the referees called not one, but two phantom tripping calls. One involved the Big Gerbil, Tim Duncan blatantly tripping himself to get a foul called, and Mr. Eva Longoria driving the lane and falling down on his own accord, much to the sch grin of Amare Stoudamire, on whom the foul was called. This team never fails me. Every year something different arises that ratchets up my level of hate for this team. Its amazing. Whether its Tim Duncan hitting a random three to send Game One into overtime, which of course Phoenix lost, or whether its consistently making me watch games ending 82-81. I was a big New Orleans Hornets fan before, but with the Spurs now taking on the Hornets in the second round, I will be rooting for them like I've never rooted for anyone else before. Tonight, I am going to try to conjure up dreams of Tyson Chandler catching a trademark alley-opp lob from Chris Paul, and dunking on Tim Duncan's ass. Okay, not really... But please don't let me down New Orleans. Then I will have to turn my rooting interest to the Lakers, and that's just adding insult to injury.

This just in... Tim Duncan likes dudes.

I'm out.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The John David Booty Video

Booty may not have amazing arm strength, but he's very accurate and a mobile quarterback. He's a definite improvement over Brooks Bollinger and will make preseason more competitive. He'll make a very good second option should the T-Jack experiment go awry. I'm digging the fact that 10 days before being drafted he stated his preference for the Vikings on ESPN.

Say Hello to Your New Vikings

On the surface this years draft does not look that exciting with only one pick on the first day and 4 the second none before the 5th round. Keep in mind that our first round pick was a 26 year old all-pro DE who racked up 15.5 sacks on a D-line that was no where near as dominant as the purple. History says Sack leaders numbers go down the year after leading the league but logic says that its impossible to double team everybody on the line. If any of you are worried about giving all of that money to a man who could face a big suspension and even possible jail time with one more DUI fear not, I've found a post on Pro Football Talk outlining how the Vikes have protected themselves against this sort of thing. If you thought we gave up too much for Allen you're pretty crazy considering the Jaguars gave up their 1st, two 3rds AND a 4th rounder for Derrick Harvey at the 8 spot. Thats a 4th rounder more than we gave up for a proven commodity.

In the second round yesterday we moved up a few spots to select Tyrell Johnson, a safety from Arkansas State. He was the Sunbelt defensive player of the year and had 6 interceptions in his senior year. He made 363 tackles and had 13 interceptions during his time at Arkansas State and was impressive during his school's pro day benching 225lbs 27 times (more than anybody else) running a 4.41 40 and showcasing his 39 inch vertical. Many people were confused by this pick but I like it. Sharper is getting older and though his play doesn't show it yet its only a matter of time before we'll need Johnson to step in.

In the 5th round we moved up to select John David Booty of USC. I never thought I'd say it but thank you Green Bay... we swapped 5th rounders and threw in our 7th round pick. Booty means we'll be able to release Bollinger and upgraded both of our back-up QBs from last year. He's also a good option to have if the T-Jack experiment goes bad. I'll post a video of him in action soon.

Our next selection in the 5th puzzled me a bit. We picked up Letroy Guion, a defensive tackle from Florida State University. I know that Pat Williams is getting a little older, but we signed Fred Evans last offseason. I was thinking the team would go after an OT, but Spielman has a very complex draft board and he was rated 8th overall at his position by

With our First pick in the 6th round we selected John Sullivan, a center out of Notre Dame. He will most likely become the center of the future should Matt Birk decide to leave after this season. He's 6-4 and 303 lbs and is extremely reminiscent of Birk.

Our final selection was Jaymar Johnson, a WR out of Jackson State. At 6-1 180 he'll need to bulk up a bit but he'll be used mostly as a kick returner if he makes the team. I was hoping we'd use this pick on OT Brandon Kieth out of Northern Iowa University, but we let him go and Arizona picked him up in the 7th round.

In related new Dominique Barber was drafted by the Houston Texans in the 6th round. He was the only Gopher drafted. As for Hawkeyes Charles Godfrey was picked up in the 3rd round by Carolina, Kenny Iwebema was picked up in the 4th round by Arizona and Mike Humpal was picked up by the Steelers in the 6th.

UPDATE: The Daily Norseman has a list of the 16 undrafted free agents signed by the purple today.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Dat Defense is D-D-D-Dangerous

The Vikings have acquired Jared Allen from the Chiefs for what appears to be a hefty price, though Allen will almost definatly prove his worth alongside the Williams boys. According to Jay Glazer, who at this moment is the only member of the media giving actual figures, the Vikings will give up their 1st (17th overall) and both of their 3rd round picks (73rd and 82nd). Glazer also says that Allen's new contract will make him the highest paid defensive player in the league.

The deal is for six years and just under $74 million, including a stunning $31,000,069 guaranteed — 69 is his jersey number.
Allen has a red flag on his record for having 2 DWIs but the Vikings say they've taken a long hard look into his background and believe him when he says that he hasn't had a drop to drink in over a year. He does, however, still own Jared Allen's Sports Arena and Grill. You need to look at that link, the man serves "Jared Juice" consisting of fruit punch and EVERCLEAR and the motto is "Wine 'em, Dine 'em and 69 'em." Classy, Mr. Allen

The Vikings are left with the 47th overall pick (Secondary?), the 117th pick (4th round, QB?), the 150th pick (5th round, no clue) switched picks in the 6th round giving us the 170th (if that info is incorrect we draft 182) 193rd (Thanks for that Tice), 209 in the 7th round for trading Adam Goldberg to the Rams. Its strange to thing that only 16 spots make up the difference in talent level between Troy Williamson and Adam Goldberg. Here is a look at where every team picks as of 3 days ago.

As most of you know Allen lead the league in sacks last year with 15.5 and has averaged over 10 a year in his 4 years as a professional. This spot was a definate need after Kenechi Udezi was diagnosed with leukemia. It was already fairly weak considering Erasmus James' knee problems. Ray Edwards will most likely start opposite Allen with Brian Robison and James filling. Edwards and Robison combined for 9.5 sacks last year and with the Williams wall and Allen commanding the line I expect that number to increase... they only have 3 years experience between the two of them.

We've got six picks left, filled in the gaping hole that will make our passing D much better than before, and the sickest runner to hit the NFL in many, many years. God, L.A. is going to love this team.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I totally stole this from Freedarko

This is Mike, whom I want to be like. Apparently it's not just Shaq and other 300 pounders who manage to shatter the backboard. I now expect every graceful and dominating shooting guard to break the bucket at least once in their life time. (I'm looking at you Kobe, and eventually you Roy (damn you McHale for trading him for Foye))

Micheal Jordan busted the shit out of this Spanish backboard proir to becoming and invinciBULL. Take note Bracey, the Grecian backboards must be equally as week and therefore your ticket back to the big show.


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

SlamBall Is The Shit

And its coming back thanks to Pat Croce and the original creators. Spike needs to pick this back up... I'm sure your audience can do with one less hour of "That 70's Show" or "CSI: whatever city you happen to be in."

Slamball gives hope to people my size to happen to not be afraid of trampolines or physical violence on a basketball court. I happen to not be a member of either group, but back in 9th grade before the trampoline/basketball court incident I might have been encouraged to pursue this sport.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Frerotte is Frereally a Viking

Everybody knew that Gus Frerotte was going to become the Vikings' back-up quarterback, it was just a matter of finalizing the contract and choosing a number. Gus is an upgrade, but not by much. Kelly Holcomb and Brooks Bollinger had a combined sixty games played in the NFL while Frerotte has started in 82 games. He's also 36 which leads me to believe that he might have two seasons of game management and spot starting left in him.

The Vikings had better use one of their two 2nd round picks on a QB in case the Tarvaris Jackson experiment doesn't work out. Don't get me wrong - I no longer have a problem with him at QB considering he had almost no help in the receiving corps, but he still kind of reminds me of peanut brittle. I hear good things about Joe Flacco and it looks like Brian Brohm's and Chad Henne's draft stock is slipping enough for the Vikings to scoop them up some time in the second or (stretch) third round. All I know is that Bollinger need to be off my team by September. He should go become an assistant coach for his father.
As long as I'm talking about the upcoming draft I might as well say that I'm a little worried that the Vikings won't get a DE deserving of the 17th pick and I'm afraid that they might reach instead of take the 17th best player available. I know this is a different front office and they took Adrian Peterson when they already had Chester Taylor last year, but taking the violet messiah when he falls to 7 is much easier than taking Mike Jenkins or and O-lineman to replace Ryan Cook for when he replaces Matt Birk instead of reaching for Phillip Merling. All I know is the last time we reached for a player he ended up having rocks for hands and was only worth a 6th round pick from the jags.

It doesn't really matter anyway. The Wilfs will probably end up moving the team to L.A. considering the state legislature refuses to allow the metropolitan sports facilities commission to look for other possibilities for a new Vikings stadium... money that would have been spent by the owners and not by our taxes.