Some People's Kids: May 2007

Thursday, May 31, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are four films worth mentioning this week. First and foremost is KNOCKED UP, Judd Apatow follows up THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN with his film about a one-night stand gone horribly wrong. Also being released tomorrow is MR. BROOKS a psychological thriller about a serial killer starring Kevin Costner. Lucy Liu plays the female version of THE CROW in RISE: BLOOD HUNTER. Our final film is about girls’ soccer and Elisabeth Shue’s attempt to play on the boys’ team back in the seventies.

I have heard nothing but good reviews about KNOCKED UP and that makes me happy. Judd Apatow seems to be the well-deserved flavor of the year as far as comedy writers goes and he brings with him a strong cast of characters and a bunch of friends to play them. Seth Rogan (Cal in 40 YEAR OLD) is not your average leading man, but his comic timing has been spot on ever since he and Apatow started working together on “Freaks and Geeks.” Katherine Heigl AKA the hottie on Gray’s Anatomy plays the other half of the one night stand (wowsers). Apatow cronies Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann play the lead supporting roles, and you’ll get a dose of Harold Ramis and B.J. Novak. This film gets my money this week hands down.

MR. BROOKS is another film that has gotten great reviews. Costner plays Brooks, whose alter ego (William Hurt) Marshall forces the man commit gruesome murders. Dane Cook plays a man who is blackmailing Mr. Brooks in order to learn the ways of a serial killer who has evaded the law for so many years (Dan Cook playing a serious role and the position of apprentice serial killer? Weird) Demi Moore plays the detective and I’m guessing at one point the target of the trio’s homicidal tendencies.

Lucy Liu plays a recently deceased reporter in RISE: BLOOD HUNTER who hunts down her killers. This seems like the type of movie to rent, nothing special but it will fill up some time in an otherwise boring day. This seems like a mix between THE CROW and BLADE… that means vampires, a naked Lucy Liu, Marilyn Manson and Nick Lachey. That’s right, somehow the former Mr. Jessica Simpson ends up in this quasi semi sorta attempt at a vampire movie.

I am extremely confused about the final film, GRACIE. If it were a cool sports film it would be about the legendary fighting Gracies, but instead it is about actress Elizabeth Shue’s attempt to join her school’s men’s soccer team in high school in the seventies. Oddly enough Shue is producing and taking a smaller role in the film, inviting her sister to join in the film and having her husband direct the pic. They had a nationwide search for an “unknown” and came up with Carly Schroeder, who apparently does a great job and does look quite a bit like Shue, which will be a good thing in a few years.

Box Office should look like this #1. PIRATES #2 KNOCKED UP #3 SHREK #4 MR. BROOKS #5 SPIDERMAN

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Why no A.J.?

A.J. Pierzynski didn’t play in the final game of the Twins/ White Sox series today and we here at SPK decided some detective work was necessary. After a few calls and a bribery consisting solely of White Castle’s flavored chicken rings we were able to obtain a transcript of the conversation between Ozzie Guillen and A.J. prior to the game. Enjoy.

Ozzie: (yelling from his office) A.J., ged ing here! Joo god some ‘splaining to do.

A.J. : (enters the room with a wrestling belt around his shoulder) What’s up Oz?

Ozzie: I ayng Berry mad at joo A.J. Why joo godda spikey da NVP’s foot ayng make ada Twings bats work? No es bueno A.J.

A.J.: I don’t know what you’re talking about Oz. I’m a perfect angel and an all-star caliber catcher.

Ozzie: No, joo is mine least favoritest player ayng I hab hated hated joo frong day one.

A.J.: that kinda harsh Oz, I thought you said you liked me.

Ozzie: No, I tell dat (censored) Mariotti ang da media dat we hates joo less causen joos ong da team. Day god 40 hits ing two ganes, A.J. Joo pisses dem off ayng den joo calls a bad gane? Day gonna bean joo for chure if I puts joo out dare today.

A.J.: Come on Oz! I was thinking of sliding into Castillo to try and mess up his knees again today!

Ozzie: Das bad beisbol A.J. joo godda learn dat joo cang jus do dat.

A.J. What if I got Redmond to punch me in the face? Is that bad baseball?

Ozzie: I hate joo A.J.

A.J.: But he’s going to punch me.

Ozzie I’n gonna pun joo ing da face. I wich we coo ged songting in a trade for joo like da Twings. Joo godda sit today, I ayng playing Toby.

A.J.: that’s bullshit Oz, I’m gonna call up all the talk radio in Chicago.

Ozzie: goo, I’n don give a sheet, call de Springer too. Ged oudda her, I godda ting of a nicknangs for de new Twings pitchers.

The twins swept the Sucks today in fantastic fashion. I fell asleep when it was 4-6 and woke up when it was 7-6. A.J. wasn't on the field and the Twins didn't need Redmond's .320 Batting average or Castillo's .334 average. Thats 7/8 games, 47 hits in this last series and a good feeling about my favorite baseball team. When Mauer and Rondell White get back I have a feeling we'll bring it to the rest of the A.L. Central.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow...

There is actually only one film coming out this Friday and that is BUG. The reason only one film comes out tomorrow is PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLDS END is dropping today. Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley are wrapping up their swashbuckling trilogy. (though Depp said he is willing to do a PIRATES 4) BUG is a film that blurs the line between paranoia and a harsh freaky/ scary reality… and proves that Ashley Judd is still making films.

I’ll start off with BUG because I’m sure it’s the one that you know less about. This film has a cast of five and was originally a stage play. Judd plays a waitress who is hiding out from her recently paroled abusive husband played by Harry Connick Jr. Judd hooks up with a war vet with some reality issues in the dingy motel that they now call home. I still can’t tell if the bugs are a reality, an illusion or somehow connected to aliens. All I know is that William Friedkin is the director and that man brought us THE EXORCIST and THE FRENCH CONNECTION. Wicked.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLDS END begins with Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann hooking up with Captain Barbossa, the bad guy from the first film, to go save captain Jack from Davy Jones’ locker. At the same time Lord Beckett has formed an alliance with the East India Tea Company to rid the seas of pirates and form an early monopoly. Somewhere in there with sea monsters they managed some truth - The Company transformed from a commercial trading venture to one that virtually ruled India as it acquired auxiliary governmental and military functions, until its dissolution in 1858. I have a feeling that the climax of this film will be great Cap’n Jack and company gather the best pirates from all over the globe to fight the tea hoarders. Geoffrey Rush is back as Barbossa, Chow-Yun Fat plays a notorious pirate and Keith Richards plays Jack Sparrow’s father. I guarantee Depp and Richards consumed copious amounts of rum to “get into character.”

P.S. If given the opportunity I would totally clean Keira Knightley using only my tongue. And she would be tasty

Box office should look like this #1 PIRATES #2 SHREK #3 SPIDEY #4 28 WEEKS LATER #5 BUG

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

ESPN wastes my time: Oden to Blazers

So the NBA lottery has always bothered me and it continues to this day. I’m pissed that ESPN has wasted a half hour of my life knowing full well that they have already told me the same information for the last week. They do this on purpose; make me keep checking back to see if the information has been released. They pretend like this is something special… In reality they probably should have released the draft order at halftime of the game. They introduce a bunch of people I don’t really care about and who will not make a decision for another month. On top of all of this they allow David Stern to beam about the Spurs and Tim Duncan in particular while defending his decision to tank the Sun’s season.

The teams that actually need/ deserve the # 1 pick don’t get it. Milwaukee won it a few years back. Duncan was picked up the one season that David Robinson went down. I recall this one time my favorite basketball team had the worst record with one Mr. O’Neal and one Mr. Mourning in the draft. Who do the Wolves end up with? Christian Laettner… A Duke player. Do me a favor and start naming all of the Duke players that led their NBA team to a championship. Now do it with Tar Heels.

As expected Memphis and the Celtics both got the shaft. You’d think that Stern would have rigged the thing in favor of a team like Boston with such a rich history, but he probably read that thing that John Mellencamp said and decided that he would punish Larry Bird along with Kevin McHale by not giving them the # 1 pick. Actually, I consider staying at #7 a victory. I was sure we would have been kicked back to # 10. The shitty part is that we now have Greg Oden in our division on a team that will be very scary by the time the Wolves consider offering contracts to worthy players (if that ever happens). On top of that the Sonics pick second so Kevin Durant will be in our division as well. Welcome to the basement Minnesota.

The Wolves need to pick up a center or a big guy. I want Roy Hibbert. I’d like to have Al Horford, but he’ll be gone. Neubie’s head would explode if we picked up Joakim Noah and I’ve always wanted to see what that looked like… so I’d be ok with that pick (for a day or two). The Wolves will pick up Yi Jianlian because he is the Asian Mark Blount and if McHale is going to go big he is going to find a way to blow it anyway. I hate my favorite basketball team.

On a side note- does anyone else see the parallels between Noah and A.J. Pierzynski?

Like this would ever happen

Monday, May 21, 2007

LUNCH BREAK: Safe At Home Edition

In the past a road trip by one of the writers on this site would have been accompanied by photo like the one above, but nowhere near as sexy. If I have time later this week I may elaborate on the art of a CD case as a projectile. Until then stare a Sarah Silverman for a while and click on some of the links below.

Is your baseball team getting what it paid for?

A Fan’s View from Section 220 tells Twins fans that 2 out of three ain’t bad, but it’s not time to rejoice yet. Also, Dick Bremer can predict the future.

10,000 Takes has found the world’s tallest (and worst) Baseball player ever.

KG for Shawn Marion? I’m willing to entertain that idea.

Roger Goodell’s NFL is Bass ackwards. Did they make Adrian Peterson do this?

The Wild plan on holding onto Backstrom (via 10000 takes)

Chipper Jones hates inter league baseball and Ozzie Guillen has anger issues.

Free Darko hates on the Spurs and gives us a James White video… I consider that a double bonus.

At this point I’d rather read about NCAA basketball than watch the eventual defeats of the Cavs and Jazz.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Lunch Break: A Brat And A Beer Edition

In honor of Bez' trip to see the Twins and Brewers play in Milwaukee, and the fact that I, too, will be in the land of 10,000 beers over the weekend we bring you the Brat and Beer Edition of the Lunch Break. I have full faith that the rest of the contributers will be able to consume one or the other over the weekend as well. Lets start off with the stinky Twinkies.

The Twins are scary when even Santana can’t get a win. Never thought I’d say this, but where the hell is Rondell White? ohh yeah... did we mention the latest injury news?The hometown hero will be out for a little longer than expected. Never fear... Howard Sinker reminds us how the Twins looked last year.

Batgirl is hilarious as always: Top 10 reasons why C.C. beaned Morneau.

Mat LeCroy, or Matthew Le-Croy as Bert calls him, makes Bugs and Crank’s worst team ever.

The Onion unleashes some truthiness on us when digging deeper into the Brett Favre trade request.

Bill Simmons breaks down how while being just as effective as Duncan, Garnett’s teams are unable to produce championships.

You guy seemed to love the American Galdiators that we thought we’d bring you a crazy AG video found by the Postmen.

Preach, Henry, preach. Tayshaun Prince wins games.

Barron wants a contract extension, people all over the bay area simutaniously scream “Pay the Man!”

The Suns owner was literally robbed by the NBA with the suspensions of Stoudamire and Diaw

Thursday, May 17, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow...

SHREK THE THIRD shall rule the theaters this weekend and outside of that there really isn’t anything being released. Luke Wilson and his brother Andrew are finally releasing a film that they directed back in 2005 by the name of THE WENDELL BAKER STORY. EVEN MONEY is the other interesting film being released in a limited number of theaters.

EVEN MONEY’s cast is stacked… and most likely the reason it’s hitting the big screen this week. This drama about gambling addiction stars Forrest Whittaker, Kim Basinger, Danny DeVito, Ray Liota and Kelsey Grammer. Nick Cannon, Tim Roth and Jay Mohr also make appearances. From what I’ve read about the film is hit or miss. Some say Basinger and Liota turn in their worst performances in some time… Others say it was worthy of a wider release. All I know is that the executive producers brought us ALPHA DOG and CRASH and the company who picked it up put out FIND ME GUILTY, which was one of the only straight to DVD films that I’ve liked. I’m sure I’ll rent this one day when I’m bored.

THE WENDELL BARKER STORY intrigues me even though it’s missing the Wes Anderson factor. Anderson brings Luke and Owen to another level, but he is missing. Luke Wilson busted his pen out for the film and this time he tries his hand at directing. Basically LW plays a “human trafficker” who is caught busing people across the U.S./ Mexico border and is eventually paroled to an old folks hotel. Once there, Wilson now begins to secretly move the elderly to a better facility. Eva Mendes plays his former girlfriend with whom he is trying to reconcile, Eddie Griffin plays a co-worker at the hotel, Owen plays the man trying to kill Luke and Will Ferrell Shows his ugly mug. Wanna see the trailer?

You all know the back-story on SHREK. SHREK THE THIRD is Shrek’s trek to place Artie (King Arthur) ahead of him as Heir to the thrown of the Kingdom of Far Far Away. Shrek and Fiona are having their first child as Donkey is trying to control his litter of Dronkeys. At some point Donkey and Puss in Boots switch bodies thanks to Eric Idle’s Merlin. While Shrek is away Fiona must band together with all of the other fairytale princesses to quell a coup headed by Prince Charming. SNL alum Cheri Oteri, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph play 3 of the 4 princesses and Justin Timberlake plays Artie. I can’t wait to hear those quotable nuggets that come from Eddie Murphy and I also noticed that Seth Rogan voices a character… remember that name.

Box office goes like this- #1 Shrek #2 Spidey #3 28 Weeks Later #4 Georgia Rule #5 Disturbia

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Mr. Belding sends Nu-Ball to detention

Last night the Warriors were booted out of the playoffs by the Jazz. Tonight the Suns will most likely lose home court advantage that they gained in the previous game because David Stern has no balls. True to form, the second I make a statement and/or observation about a sport I am slapped in the face with reality. Honestly… go look at the wild live blogs, we lost every single game I wrote about and then lost the playoff series when I started calling the guy from The Battle of California a dick.

The Warriors game me hope for an exciting second season. Baron Davis’ beard could cross you over all by itself, Steven Jackson needed only his pointer and thumb to send shivers down the spines of his opponents, and in my book Matt Barnes gave himself a name. Its not something I would wish upon the man, but I wonder what would have happened if the Jazzy Warrior’s child had had more complications and Mr. Fisher had to stay behind. I wonder what would have been had the Warriors been able to take one of the very winnable first two games in the series. The Jazz proved that they belong in the playoffs by doing something that “the best team in the NBA” couldn’t, but do they belong in the NBA finals?

Now for the second series I’m going to throw a bit of a strange analogy at you. I present Zack Morris (the Spurs) and Mr. Belding (David Stern). Mr. Belding is Zack’s bitch. He can get away with anything and anyone who gets in his way will eventually be sent to detention. I state my case chronologically. First Joey Crawford’s officiating duties are revoked for the remainder of the year. Maybe the man was wrong in T-ing Duncan up twice while on the bench, but if had to deal with that preppy Virgin (islander) and his backhanded comments and sideways glances all the time I’d probably get fed up too. Why wasn’t Crawford just relegated to the eastern conference playoffs and kept from the finals?

Next is Tony Parker’s “accidental” head butt of Steve Nash in the first game that kept him off of the court for the final minutes of game one. Remember how Zack Morris managed to get the teachers to strike once and how he got a history test postponed so the Football team could learn some new plays for the big game? Well in game one Parker had Nash seeing red and in game one and Bruce Bowen took his baby making abilities away from him in game three. Two players physically harmed the rightful MVP without any repercussions other than what amounts to a couple of bucks to a pro basketball player.

When Belding finally does punish Zack it is the most laughable punishment ever. Robert Horry basically cross checks Nash in a losing effort and must pay with two games. Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw must sit what looks to be their final home game of the season (barring some act of god) for stepping onto the court. They were herded back to the bench far before coming close to a member of the Spurs and dammit, you try watching your team leader (and smallest guy) get battered and beaten all series long. Those steps onto the court were simply a reaction and I don't even have to show you the stats of these players to show how lopsided the suspensions are. I watched Torii Hunter take a few steps towards the mound after taking a ball in the face and not get suspended by Bud Selig. I heard you could kill an opposing soccer player in Europe and only have to sit out the remainder of the game.

Everybody hates the Spurs; they aren’t fun to watch, they play dirty, they bitch when things aren’t going their way and they have Stern in their back pocket. I guarantee that the kids walking around the halls of Bayside High hated Zack Morris, his big ass cell phone, his friends (I’m sure they had crushes on the girls though) and his ability to get away with anything he pleased. We are now destined for an NBA finals featuring Zack and A.C. Slater (The Pistons).

P.S. Looks like somebody else left the bench in that game.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

One reason I hate the White Sox

I don't know if this is really early but this kid is excited for this upcoming weekend. Myself and 5 friends are heading to Milwaukee for the Twins Brewers series, and I know the Twins aren't playing the best baseball as of late (except last Sunday, whatever that was), but any baseball road trip always brings about excitement. My goal is for this trip to go better then my last baseball road trip.

This story is not the sole reason for my hatred of the White Sox, but it has really brought the hatred to a new level. This story is going to be long, but it's worth it.

Last September 25-27th a friend and I decided to meet some friends in Chicago to check out the Twins/White Sox series. We took the Mega-Bus there (first sign this trip was going to be bad), which I will never do again, and I suggest no one ever do either. The bus was swerving all over the place and when we stopped half way some guy pointed out that our rear tires were pretty much completely balled. After a Quick stop we continued the trip, at about 6:30 am, we were approaching the suburbs of Chicago, when all of a sudden a big bang and we were swerving all over the road. Fortunately he gets us across three lanes of rush hour traffic to the shoulder. We sat road side for about an hour, we were supposed to arrive at the downtown bus station at about 7am, and we ended up being about 3 hours late.

Well we were alive and now we were in Chicago. We got on the train and headed out to my buddy's brother house on the north side of Chicago.

It was a beautiful day and after dropping our stuff off at his place is was almost lunch time so we met up with a friend in Wrigleyville, where we proceeded to drink some beers. The day was going fast and after lunch we messed around a bit in Wrigleyville, and then headed to this friends place to sit out the porch a bit before heading down to "the cell."

It was a great night for outdoor baseball even if U.S. Cellular isn't a great park. We got there early enough to watch the place fill up. Everything was going along well, besides the score, the twins were down 3 after 2 innings. In about the 4th inning my friend and I decided to go grab a beer and he was going to have smoke. We got out to the concourse and saw this girl smoking, who besides the smoking, and being a White Suks fan was pretty attractive, so since smoking tends to be a social activity we went over and joined her. After my friend took a few drags, a security guard came over and asked them to put them out, apparently there are designated smoking sections in the concourse, after being asked to stop my buddy took one more drag and put it out.

Next thing we knew, this power hungry security guard was all over my buddy. Acting like he was going to kick him out, so I thought that I would try and step in, not a good idea. Before I knew it I was thrown up against the wall then pulled to the ground, handcuffed and being drug down the concourse. While being drug down the hall the guard was yelling at me to stand up as he was wrenching on the hand cuffs he had on my wrists, which was making it virtually impossible to stand up.

I was taken into a holding room in the basement of the stadium and cuffed to a wall. I was there from about what I think was the 5th inning on, it's hard to say because I had no idea what was going on in the game. Finally I was taken out of the stadium and transferred to a nearby precinct for booking. I was charged with battery, or how they described it "illegal touching." We were there for about an hour, and when I left there to be taken down to the 9th precinct for the night I was leg shackled to a kid who was busted for selling crack to an undercover cop, seems like they really work hard to match up "criminals."

The cell I spent the night in was cold, which is to be expected, but I wasn't offered any food the whole night. To top it off the cell had feces on the wall. I spent about 8 hours in their. Everyone was release at about 9am; I didn't have a phone, because I had thrown it to my buddy so he could get a hold of my friends and family. So I borrowed a phone from a sox fan who had been arrested for getting into a fight and called my friends and the came down and got me.

What an ordeal. The twins did win though, torii hit a clutch homer and somehow punto hit one too.

I went back in October for my court date and everything was dropped before I walked into the court room. All I had to do was apologize to the guard, fuck him.

As we were walking out a women the guard was with says to me, "next time you're at Cellular behave yourself." This pissed me off more then any thing in this entire deal. You don't fucking know what happened, keep you damn mouth shut and get a real job. All you are is a security guard for the 2nd class baseball team in your city. U.S. Cellular sucks, the fans are terrible, the cops in Chicago are corrupt, security guards in general and especially at the cell are power mongers.

Fuck the White Sox!!!!!


Well, that’s my story; I hope it is nothing like the trip this upcoming weekend.

Monday, May 14, 2007

"Sir Sid Still Sucks" - So Says Ryan

Senor Ponson Dice, "Adios, Minnesota". Beware Aruban Judges The Twins have let loose a 250+ pound man with a new found reason to drink. He will likely attempt to take his 6.93 ERA elsewhere, but if Rick Anderson can't fix it nobody can. At least we didn't have to wait until June like we did with Batista and Juan Castro.

For the moment the fat man will be replaced by first baseman/ outfielder Garrett Jones. So Far this year Jones has posted a .305 batting average with 5 home runs and 25 strike outs. The Twins claim he has a big bat and we could use one of those right now with Mauer out of the line-up and a lack of production. The offense was in fine working order yesterday when the Twinkies scored 16 runs against the central leading Tigers. Torii Hunter had two home runs and drove in 7. Cuddy and Redmond each had a home run in the game to help Boof Ball win his first game. All 11 batters to enter the game had a hit.

I bet Ponson wished that he had been given a game or two like that to keep him around a little longer. There is no telling how long Garrett will be up in the bigs. Gardenhire had been saying that he wanted to have an extra hitter for the up-coming inter-league play, and also said that he wanted to keep Glenn Perkins in the long relief role. When the time comes Rochester is full of prospects waiting for their chance.

Scott Baker seems to be the best choice considering his time in the majors and an ERA of 3.16. Kevin Slowey has the the bast ERA in Rochester at 1.51, but he has no big league experience. The younger and taller version of Brad Radke seems destined to stay put until a run of injuries or a September call-up. Matt Garza has a respectable 3.75 ERA and has some (painful) big league experience... he is the reason that the Twins most likely won't call up Slowey. If Gardy has been lying and they do opt to pencil Perkins in as a starter his 3.26 ERA will make a world of difference against the opposition.

Now we must wonder if Boof Ball can take yesterday's big win and turn his game around or if he'll need to visit Rochester in the not too distant future.

It Was Fun While It Lasted....

The NBA playoffs provide all sorts of intriguing story lines for us to follow. Whether its D-Wade's coming out party last year, Robert Horry being in every single playoffs(ever!), and even Raja Bell clotheslining Kobe's Ass last year. This year has been no different so far.

The most intriguing storyline this year has been the Golden State Warriors. A team barely alive at the All Star Break, making a second half charge and making the playoffs on the last day of the regular season. Their reward for such a strong push, the 67 win Dallas Mavericks, a team that ran ruck shaw through the rest of the NBA during the season, amassing three 12+ game winning streaks including a stretch where they won 34 of 36 games. THANKS! The Warriors didn't seem to mind though, as the laid the wood to the Mavericks in a 4-1 dominating series win.

The Warriors became the best feel good story in sports overnight. But alas, as we have heard before, all good things must come to an end. This story is no different.
After a third loss in four games against the Utah Jazz, the Warriors are brought to the brink of elimination. Although they are, along with the Phoenix Suns, by far the most fun squad to watch, they have several faults which have been brutally exposed in this series. They have learned the hard way the you can't win in the NBA playoffs when you can't rebound and you can barely defend, aside from a couple steals every now and then. They've learned the harsh reality that you can't shoot 30+ threes in four straight games and expect to win. They've learned that this isn't open gym at Hastings High.
In watching every game of this wildly entertaining series, I've seen bad shot after bad shot after bad shot go up, some going in, but mostly not. Baron Davis, when healthy, is probably the third best point guard in the NBA and extremely exciting to watch. Jason Richardson is a great #2 scorer and again, very fun to watch. They just don't have inside help. Carlos Boozer has torn them a new asshole in this series. It seems now, that all these, flaws have finally caught up to them. And it looks like there will be no fairy tale ending.

So, now we have to come to the conclusion that we will not get to see the Mother of all playoff series', the Suns V. Warriors, and its becoming very evident that instead we are gonna be stuck with a snoozer like Spurs and Jazz. I know, personally, I will not watch a single game of this series. Its clear, that the NBA will have to deal with another Pistons/Spurs Finals and another series that will have ratings below re-runs of Fresh Prince.
Yay.. I think the Royals and Nationals are playing on Direct TV Extra Innings for interleague play... So peace..

Thursday, May 10, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are a handful of films making their debut in the post-spidey wake. Lindsay Lohan sobers up long enough to star in GEORGIA RULE. Zach Braff and Jason Bateman yuk it up in THE EX. Larry the cable guy sucks it up in DELTA FARCE. Ms. Biel is back in film form with 50 Cent and Samuel L. Jackson. 28 WEEKS LATER is the most notable film coming out this week and the film that I am most excited about.

28 WEEKS LATER picks up back in London about 6 months after the rage virus first appeared. The U.S. army has declared the war against the virus over and begins to repopulate England. Declaring a war over just prior to the second wave of attacks sounds vaguely familiar to me. None of the surviving cast members return, but an island full of Zombies is all I really need. Danny Boyle, the director of the first film is back, but this time he tries his hand a producer. From What I’ve read its and extremely well shot film and rivals if not trumps its predecessor.

GEORGIA RULES is a story about three generations of women in one family. Lindsay Lohan plays the rebellious young daughter of that chick from Desperate Housewives. In perfect casting Lohan’s character drinks, swears, crashes cars and gives BJs to the local boys. The girl is carted off to Idaho in search of Napoleon Dynamite and structure; which will be given to her by Jane Fonda on and off set. I have no clue why the film is rated R, which I find intriguing.

So here is the deal with THE EX; I love Scrubs and I love Arrested Development even more, and that will not save this film from the crap bucket and a quick retreat to the dollar theater according to a handful reviews. I’m not a big fan of Amanda Peet, but I like Amy Poehler and there are a handful of other bit players worth their salary. Basically Braff plays a slacker who is forced to get a job when his wife (Peet) has a child. Braff works for his father-in-law where Peet’s ex- is the office star. This is every romantic comedy that you’ve ever seen and as I’ve said before the cast can’t always carry a film… I’ll rent it.

DELTA FARCE is crap filled crap rolled in crap with a sprinkle of crap on top. Larry the Cable Guy, DJ Qualls (ROAD TRIP) and fellow honkey comedian Bill Engvall disgrace our soldiers by invading Mexico by accident. If someone can get close enough to the cable guy while he is drinking I’d enjoy it if you could slip some bleach into his drink. Now dat dere is funny, I don’t care who you are.

50 Cent, Sam Jackson and Jessica Biel try to put an Iraq twist on THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES in HOME OF THE BRAVE. They fail. 50 Cent? The film is about the hardships of returning from the war. The film is not patriotic, heartfelt or enlightening according to the reviews and that makes it the last film about the war you should ever see. It sounds like this film should have been straight to DVD, but they spent too much on the actors.

BOX office should look like this #1. SPIDERMAN 3 #2 28 WEEKS LATER #3 GEORGIA RULE #4 DISTURBIA #5 THE EX

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Morneau single-handedly proves that White Sox do indeed suck

After having to deal with Boof ball the Twins were able to pull out a victory in the opener of the Twins/ White Sox series in Minneapolis. After spending what feels like month without a homerun Dr. Morneau managed two. He started off the game with a solo shot, but the Sucks came back to take the lead. Somehow Boof managed to make it to the 7th inning, which is great, but I wish I didn’t have to use the word somehow. His pitching wasn't even the problem, it was his errant throw to third that got him the ND.

A rally in the 8th which started with a Bartlett double that brought Redmond home and ending with a Hunter single to bring the Bartman home. Hunter is having one hell of a season and is no doubt auditioning for a big payday from Boston or New York. The 10th stared off with a double from the fastest man with a limp (Castillo) and the Sucks chose to walk Hunter. Justin Morneau came to the plate and smashed the hell out of the ball for an upper deck three run walk-off homerun.

Hopefully Ozzie and Co. have awakened the beast and sent him on his homerun tear/ .300 batting average. With Mauer on the DL we’ll need Hunter and Morneau to swing big sticks. Hopefully Cuddy’s back feels fine and he can begin crushing the ball. This is a nice start to 9 straight games against the upper echelon (AKA not the Royals) of the central division.

Monday, May 7, 2007


This is something that I’ve been thinking about basically since the emergence of Steve Nash as a superstar, and something that has gained some validity with the Warriors beating the Mavericks. I can feel a change in the NBA style of play, one that turns post-up players such as Shaq and Yao into dinosaurs. There is a de-emphasis of defense, which is in turn replaced by passing, the three pointer and an up-tempo game. The Suns, Warriors and on occasion teams like Denver and the Wizards laugh in the face of conventional basketball thought. To quote John Madden To win the game, you have to score more points than your opponent!

College teams put three guards and two forwards (or vise versa) on the floor and never bother to nominate a center. I see this happening down the road in the NBA and so does Henry Abbott… two starting seven footers who only post-up when necessary, one player between 6-8 and 6-11 playing the slashing/ jump shooting/ long ball threat and two players who can ball handle and pass. Two jump shooting seven footers has yet to work for the Timberwolves, but nothing ever works for them. They also needed a passing point guard, and though we employ several of them not a one was a good passer.

I feel like passing will become more important than shot blocking. The post-up player no longer matters if he can’t get back on defense before the other team takes it’s shot. The Up-tempo European style brought to the U.S. by Mike D’antoni, and now working in Golden state makes me wonder whether there are other European coaches with the ability to turn a Memphis Grizzly’s team (who score in bunches when they win, but don’t win often enough) from the cellar to the top.

Conventional thought leads me to believe that if I had the first pick in the upcoming draft I would take Oden, but as I watch these playoffs and see that the traditional center has been canceled out by the speed of smaller teams. Speed beats size. Durrant trumps Oden. Slow and steady no longer wins the race. Defense may no longer equal championships.

Free Bracey Wright!

Friday, May 4, 2007

LUNCH BREAK: 8 over 1 Edition

Baron's beard, Barns' faux hawk and Jackson's gap teeth will be moving on to the next round of the playoffs. The Mavs got manhandled all series, and looked nothing like the 67 game winning team that they claimed to be. On top of that Golden State is the best And1 team ever; they're exciting, fast and if Baron would just put the ball under his shirt and spin it around during a game basketball purists would come running out of the woodwork crying about what I will dub "Nu-Basketball."

Warriors fans have photoshop fun at the expense of Sir Charles for backing the Mavericks.

Ever wonder what Joe Mauer says to the pitchers when he visits the mound?

What in the hell are you guys doing??? You could either be Mr. Irrelevant in the NBA draft or you could spend a year learning from Tubby Smith and not be in the Durrant/Oden/Gators draft class.

Hockey may be over for the Wild, but Randy Carlyle is keeping their spirit alive.

Reason #1 why we at SPK are not tiger fans. Hanible Lecter is scared of this guy.

To sum up this soccer player in one word… CrazyGoNutz!

Howard Sinker has found something very interesting about Joe Nathan. He should now start working on my Jessie Crain problem.

Looks like Ron Artest’s
summer rap tour is going to have to cut a few days out of the schedule

Thursday, May 3, 2007

American Gladiators were (and still are) Awesome: Part 2

Cause I know people love the American Gladiators and I wanted to keep writing about it, here is part two.

There are a few things about what I have watched on American Gladiators in the last few weeks that I don't remember, but one of these has just about hit me in the face it was so funny. I honestly don't remember the Executioner. He was a judge dressed up like a hooded executioner, and it was really funny.

This member of the cast was cut after the first year, and I can't see why they would scratch such a lovable character. I bet the guy who came up with this guy also got let go.

With a little and I stress the word "little," research I found a page with "where are they now bios." From this list, and take it as the most credible source on the internet, these people are all over the place, some in good places some bad.

Wesley "Two Scoops" Berry-
*Rumored* to be doing 10-20 years in jail for armed robbery of a California bank

Scary, what would you do, wait a second, better question, why does he need to be armed? Anyways, I don't know how much I can or want to write about the AG's anymore, but this site I found has entirely too much information about the American Gladiators.

"It's about winning"

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are only two films being released this week, and there is a very good reason for the lack of choices. To sum in one word that reason is… SPIDERMAN!!!!!!!!! The unlucky other film to be released on this most holy of days is LUCKY YOU with Eric Bana and Drew Barrymore. Can the Hulk and one of Charlie’s angels take the Box office? No freakin’ way, Spidey is going to make like 3 billion dollars after traveling through the world’s theaters and landing on the DVD rack.

SPIDERMAN 3 has not one, but three villains. One of which is the single greatest evil-doer ever. Venom is going to make this film the highest grossing Spiderman film yet to date… the original sits at #7 (14 world) on the all-time U.S. Box Office list and the second is sitting at #10 (19 world). Not only are the new villains fantastic choices, but the actors are great too. Topher Grace from that 70’s show plays Eddie Brock (Venom) and Thomas Hayden Church plays Flint Marko (Sandman). James Franco is also back in the role of Harry Osborn (The New Goblin). I probably don’t even have to tell you this much because you don’t even have to see the film to know what’s up… if its not being talked about on television, in print or somewhere else on this Internet thing people you walk past will probably be talking about it. Hell, New York is even having a Spiderman week.

In LUCKY YOU Eric Bana plays a degenerate gambler trying to win the World Series of Poker. He also tries to bang Drew Barrymore. Horatio Sanz, Robert Duvall, Robert Downey Jr. and Debra Messing come along for the ride. I guess there are a bunch of professional poker players in the film and its more of a poker movie than a chick flick, but they chose the wrong release date and campaign strategy.

Box Office prediction #1 by a mile SPIDERMAN #2 NEXT (because people who can’t get into Spidey will go for an action flick) #3 DISTURBIA #4 FRACTURE #5 THE INVISIBLE

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

American Gladiators were (and still are) Awesome

When I was a kid American Gladiators was the shit, but since they're never on anymore this fact had slipped my mind. A few weeks ago ESPN Classics started airing them again, they are more exciting now, but for entirely different reasons this time around.

The 1st thing that has stood out to me, maybe because I would have only been 7 years old in 1989, is that Joe Theisman was the host for the first season, how awesome is that. To be honest he has not changed a bit since then, he still blows. His Monday night job might be over, maybe he can get this gig going again, check this sparkling commentary out:

Go Joe!! You, unlike any other, can break down Powerball.

Another thing that is great is you get to see the late 80's and early 90's in all their big hair glory. The sweat suits were great also, the guy who did all of the post competition interviews in the early years always had a "kick ass" sweat suit. I remember how cool these things were, and I had no less then 5 of them.

Next up is Malibu, and no words can do this guy justice so here's anther video. Thanks Youtube.


I bet all the gladiators were on so many steroids during this show. I can only find evidence of one being caught with steroids, and that was Gold (aka Tonya Knight), and the only reason she was caught was because she was in some sort of international competition. This picture isn't her but if this women is not on steroids or actually a man I don't know what to say.

That can't even be a women on steroids, it has to be a man doesn't it?

Anyways American Gladiators was awesome. Thank you ESPN (it feels weird thanking them) for bringing this back into my life. I have a feeling that this may only be part one, I keep finding more as the digging goes on. Check back for more....

LUNCH BREAK: Magic Beard Edition

I got about 4 hours of sleep last night because I was forced to watch the Warriors come back from 20 down against the Mavs only to end up losing. Bandwagon Shmandwagon, This team has had Dirk and Co's number all season long and if it hadn't been for Baron and his beard being tossed from the game the series would already be over. I plan to Nowitness the downfall of the Mavs during game six... it's gonna be fun. Barron Davis’ beard can beat your beard up.

A must read if you’ve ever seen the campy 1979 film THE WARRIORS or if you think Mark Cuban looks funny with a goatee. On a side note Matt Barnes is a hell of a ball player.

Probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. The Yankees find themselves in a few compromising positions.

Sir Sid still stands. Survives seven, slapped in second. Silly Stingrays.

Milwaukee? Seriously? That’s weird.

I’m stoked to have Adrian Peterson. The Fanhouse tells us what to expect from the running back.

If Joel Maturi keeps doing things like this to Tubby and Tim Brewster they’re going to run away.

A 2008 mock draft was an inside joke between a couple of us, but Ben Maller has already started compiling a list of the top NFL prospects.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

June 1st

According to the the Star Tribune, construction canbegin on the new Twins Stadium on that date. Today Hennepin county presented a judge with a check for 13.75 million. So on June 1st, unless something happens that totally catches everyone off guard, ground will break on the new stadium.
13.75 million is what the county thinks they should get the land for, but they will have to go through a arbitration meeting on the final price of the land. This extra money is what the Pohlad's have offered to put forward to see that this stadium gets built. If they didn't put this money forward it would be very pathetic on their part, seeing as it would basically be throwing about 300 million down the drain.
I am sure that as this project goes, as all projects do, it will have it's share of problems and slow downs (hoping for nothing like Big Blue in Milwaukee), but on April 1st, 2010 we will be sitting outside watching a baseball game in the rain, snow, sun, sleet, wind, cold, etc, to be honest as long as it's outside sign this guy up, I'll be there.

Pick up Keyshawn! whats the worst that could happen?

Keyshawn Johnson just got cut by the Carolina Panthers. Please, for the love of god, pick him up Vikings! I know he runs his mouth, but he is a proven wide receiver and that is exactly what this team needs. He may get on his coaches nerves but Childress claims to be a disciplinary coach... lets see if that is true. Adding a player of this caliber may actually turn a team that's hoping for 6-7 wins into a playoff caliber team.

Maybe the guy could teach Troy Williamson how to catch the ball, maybe he could do the same with the incoming receivers and since there is no veteran quarterback on this Vikings squad he may also have picked up some things from his former QBs to pass on to Tarvaris. Keyshawn may not be a solid number one in most people's eyes but he is better than most twos and will benefit greatly from a running attack like the one the Vikings will possess next year.

A one year contract based on incentives can do no harm to this team... either its a failed experiment or something that helps out a young offensive squad.