Some People's Kids: June 2007

Thursday, June 28, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow… And Monday… And Tuesday

Alright ladies and jerk faces, sorry about the tardiness of weekly movie previews, but damn sometimes a brutha got some stuff to take care of. I gonna touch base on two films coming out on Friday June 28th (probably today by the time I finish writing this), and two that come out in time for the 4th of July. The First two are RATATOUILLE the new animated Pixar film about a rat with aspirations of becoming a world famous chef and Michael Moore’s documentary SICKO about the American heath system. Coming out on Monday is the film that I think will break all of the box office records, TRANSFORMERS… I’m so excited I just shat a transforming nugget of joy. On Tuesday LICENSE TO WED drops and will most likely make you think that the dude from “The Office”, Jon Krasinski, chose the wrong vehicle for his first foray into film. Ahhh, alliteration.

Not gonna lie, I dig what Pixar does. Can’t think of a film that they have made that I didn’t enjoy (though I never saw CARS). Patton Oswald voices the Main character, Remy. Patton pulls off the over obsessive nerd well and having worked in a fairly nice restaurant myself and knowing a very Oswald like chef I can defiantly see how this character will come across. To add to this I can imagine a very built upon relationship that we saw for a few moments in THE LITTLE MERMAID with Sebastian’s life in constant threat from the crazy French chef. Peter O’Toole, Janeane Garofalo and Will Arnett from “Arrested Development” also lend their voices.

Michael Moore is back and as controversial as ever with SICKO. This time Moore is taking on drug companies, HMOs and his common thread, the government. Moore went as far as to stash a copy of the finished film in Canada for fear of government interference. I always find myself agreeing with the major premises that Moore presents in his film, but sitting through them and thinking that he has an extremely manipulative way of presenting the issue. It a strange feeling to completely agree with someone and at the same time constantly say, “wait a tick, you’re going about this in the wrong way.” Health care is messed up in this country and having someone else who doesn’t even know you decide whether or not you deserve treatment or drugs or surgery is shitty, but Moore is still going to say something that I can’t agree with. I guess that’s his deal and I already know that I’ll see this film at some point in my life and I’ll take most of the information to heart.

On Monday the most anticipated movie of the summer is released and I’m going to be in the middle of Bum fork, Wisconsin attempting to get a ticket with a couple buddies of mine. Lets face it, Michael Bay is good a blowing shit up and now he is bringing one of my favorite cartoons as a child to life. Ohh, Optimus Prime you complete me, and Megatron- you always have and always will be an asshole… leave Earth alone! My boy Shia LaBeouf is back for his one-millionth film of the summer playing the grandson of the man who found Megatron and coincidentally carries the mad to an all-powerful talisman. Megan Fox plays LaBeouf’s girlfriend and give the film a bangable presence. Josh Duhamel, Tyrese and Jon Voight play the military minds in the film and Bernie Mac also manages to appear in the film. Ohh, this film is going to be the shit and it will be the reason that Bruce Willis only tops the Box office for one week.

My girlfriend Mandy Moore comes to theaters on Tuesday with LICENSE TO WED. I have no faith in this film even though its got some great people in it. Robin Williams hasn’t made a good film in quite some time and I’m just not down with the romantic comedy. As I’ve stated before I love “The Office” but I’m just not sure that Jon Krasinski act is going to come off properly in this film. This film feels like a remake of MEET THE PARENTS, but its meet the priest. I don’t know, prove me wrong cause I’d like to have this cast click, but it just doesn’t feel right.

#1 this week will be LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD and #1 for next week will be TRANSFORMERS. Make the rest of the box office yourself. I’m going to bed.

P.S. I’m taking off for Chicago and then Wisconsin this week so this is going to be my last post for a while. Lobby the comments section of this post and maybe you can get Neubie to wax philosophical on the new ball players from Florida or get Bez to preach pitching and a young man by the name of Garza.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow???

As I said earlier this week LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD is opening tomorrow (Wed. June 27th) So I figured that I’d give it it’s own special write to go along with the special place I hold in my heart for Bruce Willis films. He is the only 80’s action hero that I accept as an actual actor. Stalone and Shwartzenegger? They have two things in common: steroids and mumbling. At least Arnold is from a different country, Sly. Segal? You’re not Native American dude! And stop hanging out with rappers, I have more street cred than you. Van Damme? I’m a little uncomfortable with a man who does the splits and has a French accent. Chuck Norris? We don’t talk bad about Chuck Norris; he puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter.”

Bruce Willis doesn’t exactly have range, but compared to the others he is Johnny freakin Depp or Philip Seymour Hoffman. I like that he takes bit parts in comedies, or other films that allow him to experiment more. Willis chooses main characters that don’t stray too far from who he actually is. I’m not saying that Willis runs around blowing shit up on a daily basis but he seems like a surly, cocky, fun guy to hang out with. John McClane is my all-time favorite action hero because he doesn’t quite fit the bill. He’s an alcoholic who smokes and swears and curses god for making him get up that day to annihilate and entire group of German bad guys or in the latest film’s case an internet based terrorist group.

I pretty sure that description of the terrorist group was the closest thing we’ll need to a plot description. They try to shut down banks or power grids or something along those lines and McClane blows shit up and says “Yippie Kay Yay, Motherfucker” (which is way better than those cheesy action lines that usually involve some stupid pun). Justin Long (WAITING…, DODGEBALL) plays a friendly hacker who McClane has to transport from one end of Manhatten to the other when the mayhem begins. Kevin Smith is in the film too, and his character’s name is Warlock so I’m guessing that he is some sort of hacker as well. Deadwood’s Timothy Olyphant plays the bad guy, which I don’t really see, but he is supposed to be a computer nerd so I guess I’ll survive. That lovely lady on the left above is Maggie Q. She is officially on the radar and probably would have been sooner if I hadn’t decided to boycott Tom Cruise about two years ago. Q was in MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III and will be in the upcoming BALLS OF FURY which sounds stupid, but has Patten Oswalt and Christopher Walken.

I’ll finish this on Thursday with info on the films that won’t be #1 at the box office.

Does Anyone See What This Guy is Doing??

I know, I know. Everyone in Minnesota is automatically supposed to hate the Yankees. The Evil Empire. Everything the Twins aren't, basically. I also get the everyone is supposed to hate Alex Rodriguez as well. Being the highest paid player in the league, it just comes with the territory. So why am I writing something about a player so loathed that he gets booed regularly at his home ballpark?? Well, while everyone in baseball has been captivated on the Barry Bonds home run chase or (yawn) the steroids investigation, I don't think people have really come to appreciate exactly whats been going on in the Bronx. Now, you might say... What the hell is this kid talking about? Everyone knows that ESPN pimps the Yankees everyday of every week. Whether its the Clemens travesty or them being 3 games under .500, etc,etc, etc.. Trust me, I've almost had enough too..

Little has been made though of exactly what A-Rod is accomplishing. If you take a look at his stats, I dont see how you can't like this guy, even with everything I stated earlier. One of the most dependable players over the span of his 13 year major league career, Rodriguez has been the model of consistency over that span. This year has been no different. In April, he only hit .360 and only a 6 game drought at the end of the month prevented him from breaking the record for the most home runs in April, ever, with 14. This year he has by far been the best player in the Majors, compiling 28 home runs and 77 RBI, not to mention hitting .333. A serious Triple Crown threat. He is as locked in as Barry Bonds was during the 2001 season, and thats scary. All this while also playing Gold Glove defense at Third base.

Aside from this year, though, the historical perspective that A-Rod is approaching needs to be touched on also. Before the age of 32, he has amassed 492 home runs. 492 Home runs! Frank Thomas can barely walk and is just now getting to 500 homers. Rafael Palmero apparently juice up for years, and just made it to 500. Before he turns 32 on July 27th, Arod will have hit his 500th, making him the youngest player to accomplish that milestone, beating Jimmie Foxx by 10 months, or more than a full season sooner. I feel like no one is even taking notice to how unbelievable this is.
While people have been consumed lately with all the negativity surrounding baseball and the "steroid Era", they may have overlooked that we may be witnessing the best baseball player ever... And yes, Im not crazy when I say, EVER. How can you not like a player like that?

Thinking long term, if Alex plays until he is 40 years old and taking into account his average number of 41 home runs hit per full major league season, he will have hit more than 850 home runs in his career! That will obviously shatter the current home run mark soon to be Barry Bonds'. Thats assuming, too, that he only plays until hes 40. I think he could actually go longer considering that over his entire career hes been so durable that he hasn't played in less than 129 games in any season... and that was only one year. The rest of the years have hovered around 150 or so... Maybe around age 40 he moves to DH to save his body.

And forget about any steroids bullshit to cop out on.. Since coming into the majors, he has done almost anything to help his team win. His first year in the league, he hit .360. One year, along with hitting 42 home runs, he also stole 46 bases. Not to mention that he has now hit 35+ homers for 10.. wait, 11 straight years. There has been no spike in production like you have seen with others. Just a natural progression of a great ball player.

I know that he might have his slight drawbacks from time to time that might make it easy for some people to dislike him. His shenanigans in Toronto a month ago were a little bush league. And, I meant his shenanigans ON the baseball field.

There was that incident with the very boob-a-licious stripper while in Toronto too. Lets be honest though, who hasn't wanted to bang a hot stripper at one point or another in their life??

But aside from all that, one has to appreciate what we get to watch. The best offensive player in the game is also one of its better defensive players too. ARod can opt out of his contract at the end of this year and become a free agent. Even though hes making 22 million this year and more next year, I do believe he will opt out and test the market. The people in New York have never appreciated him and never will. There will be so many teams salivating at the chance to sign him, and if this year is any preview of things to come, he will make comparable money as well. A Rod is already a two-time MVP and will add another one by the time this year is done. Its time for people to weed through all the somewhat negative, and start to really appreciate just how good this guy is..

Monday, June 25, 2007

Next Time I Run Into Paul McCartney He’s Getting a Punch in the Nose.

I don’t care if the man was in one of the most important and influential bands ever. I don’t care that he is 64. I don’t care that he has been knighted or that he probably has an entourage about the size of my hometown. I’m going to walk up to him in the men’s bathroom a la HUSTLE & FLOW and make him pay, but I’m not going to try and give him my music because I don’t force other people to listen to shitty music.

Why am I going to do this? Good question.

I work for Starbucks and he recently singed a deal with their Hear Music label. When he released an album on June 5th Starbucks thought it would be a good idea to force everybody who wanted a cup of Joe to listen to the new album… and only that album. They called it a “Global Listening Event”. I call it terrorism. I worked for seven hours and that CD has all of 13 short songs on it. I listen to the album about 8 times that day before attempting to pour scalding milk into my ears to dull the pain. The man plays Ukulele, yodels and whistles (horribly) on his newest album and I think all of that stuff sucks. A lot.

I hear those shitty songs every time I work. When I go home to shower and get rid of the yucky feeling Sir Paul has left me with I usually sit down and veg out in front of the TV for a while. Now I’m being bombarded with ITunes commercials featuring a 60 some year-old man in sneakers skipping and whistling. Dammit, Paul! Go away. I hope that one legged wife of yours robs you blind. Please watch the video at your own risk.

Get ready to bleed old man.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Punch-Out!! The Movie

I can't tell you how many hours I've wasted trying to beat this game. I always played the Mike Tyson version. I could always get to Tyson, but once he bit Mac's ear off the little guy was down for the count. In fact, I just realized that one of my friends has the majority of my Nintendo games. That bastard is moving, I gotta get those back.

Considering all of the other crap Hollywood throws our way I'd rather see this than another Jamie Kennedy disaster or a Larry The Cable Guy atrocity. Speaking of films LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD comes out on Wednesday so I'll have to bring a very special Bruce Willis edition of In Theaters Tomorrow...

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Satan, Lend Me a Dollar

I discovered this song while watching "Weeds" and decided to post it. This is for JayBear, who enjoys my musical stylings even when they involve the devil, candy or even drunk pianos.

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are three films coming out tomorrow and I’m not so sure I have faith in any of them. John Cusack and Samuel L. “mutha’ fuckin’” Jackson spend approximately 2 hours in or around a very scary room. Please use an Elmer Fudd accent when saying the last three words of the previous sentence. Steve Carell tries to cash in on a bit part he did prior to his quality roles that he is known and loved for. Brad Pitt produces and Angelina Jolie stars in a film about the life and death of journalist Daniel Pearl.

1408 is based on a Stephen King book by the same name, which I have never read. Stephen king’s work when translated onto film can either be very good (THE SHINNING, THE GREEN MILE, SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION) or terrible (SECRET WINDOW, DREAMCATCHER) Did you know he wrote THE RUNNING MAN? Crazy. John Cusack plays a man who spends time in “haunted” rooms and then writes about how nothing happened… until the Dolphin Hotel. I dig Sam and I also really like Cusack, plus they cast Tony Shalhoub so I hope that the film is good. King says that he is very happy with the trailer and that it really reminds him of THE SHINNING, but is it good or bad if the writer praises the trailer?

EVAN ALMIGHTY picks up a few years after Jim Carrey made Jennifer Aniston’s breasts bigger. Evan Baxter (Steve Carell) is now in politics and was recently elected to congress. Morgan Freeman comes down from heaven and tells the congressman to build an Ark a la Noah. Hilarity ensues. I think. Chances that the moral of the story include something about the environment and global warming? Probably pretty good. It sounds like Universal spent way too much on this film (visual effects, big ass boat, probably some water) but that is neither here nor there. Lets hope that Carell, Wanda Sykes, Molly Shannon and John Goodman can make me laugh and forget that I’m watching the sequel to a film that only slightly entertained me one day.

A MIGHTY HEART is the film with the smallest release and the one that will either be great or make you say, “What were they thinking?” This film is based on a true story that happened not too long ago, but may have escaped your memory. Daniel Pearl was a journalist who was abducted back in 2002 while in Pakistan trying to do a story on Richard “ I got a bomb in my shoe” Reed. Pearl was the journalist who had his beheading released on the Internet. The film’s story focuses more on his wife Mariane’s attempt to locate her husband between the time of his abduction and the time of his death. The film was shot guerilla style in India, sometimes using the crowd that follows Pitt and Jolie everywhere as a backdrop for the media that followed Pearl’s wife around as she searched for her father and Jolie and Mariane are friends so this was made with her blessing and her guidance. The major problem I have with the film is that Jolie is white and Mariane is of mixed race, why wasn’t someone like a Thandie Newton given a chance to play this part. Beautiful people get Oscar noms for uglying up and Jolie switches race when it suits her. I feel Jolie, who act like Mother Theresa if she had slept with everybody, should have sat back, helped produce and let a different actress play this part.

Box office should look like this- 1. EVAN AMLIGHTY (with a little help from the big guy) 2. FANTASTIC 4 Numero dos 3.OCEAN’S 13 4. KNOCKED UP 5. SURF’S UP

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Lunch Break: Manual Labor Edition

Bring your shovels August 2nd to the new Twins stadium, manual labor. They are going to save so much money if they can get volunteers to dig this big hole.

This Elijah Dukes guy is really delusional. Here is an interview with him. He talks about the street value of crack without being asked about the street value of crack.

The following video is from the illustrious bradyfan82 via Sons of Sam Malone. This has to be one of his best videos yet.

"I under threw him a bone." Wow.

I wish we would do something like this at my work place, go Best Buy.

When IMU sent this to me he prefaced it with, "so this makes no sense and probably isn't a good link but check this out." A Monopoly movie?? weird...

If you're looking for a job the and the Timberwolves dance coach doesn't intrigue you the Packers are hiring.

Longform over at the haus with a great notion to move the NBA draft to July. Makes compete sense to me.

After a game like the Twins had last night it's always intersting to read the opposition beat writer's take on the situation.

Jessica Alba just wants you to leave in the morning.

I might come back, if you don't mind.

I might be Chubby for her, but I'm sure not Chubby for Tubby, Gopher fans are scary. Check out this page where you can send in a picture of your cubby (sfw I promise).

Camp Fight Club

Summer is always the time for kids to go to camp. Parents send their kids to many different instructional camps. The Minnesota Wild’s Derek Boogaard has started a first in sports camps; fighting camp for hockey players. Sounds kind of like Fight Club, I wonder if anyone has multiple personalities. Derek is doing this camp with his brother Aaron, who just recently signed with the Pittsburg Penguins.

With people who are unfamiliar with hockey wanting the fighting aspect out of the game, this is sure to anger some. Be sure though Derek and his brother Aaron will not be teaching kids how to hurt other players. There will be no stick to the throat or tackle from behind drills. The majority of the camp is focused on balance, and technique of holding the other player.

“One of the radio stations said it’s a stupid idea, but that’s all right. No big deal. All the parents were happy with it, and we’re not teaching them how to hurt anybody.”

Fighting in sports is such a weird subject. Just last weekend you have the Cubs/Padres bench clearing brawl and only 2 players get suspended, Carlos Zambrano even took his belt off to do who knows what and he didn’t get suspended, he kept pitching. About a month ago two players from the suns walked 10 feet from their bench, didn’t touch anyone and got suspended. Earlier in the season the Knicks and Nuggets get into a little fisticuffs and people are talking about how our culture has failed and we should shut the NBA down.

Well I guess the people who get all bent about this are the main stream media anyways, who for the most part blow these thing out of proportion. Shit any time there is a fight that doesn’t involve a cheap shot (see stick to the throat) people want to see it. I think the fights in the NBA are more comedy then they are destructive (there are some exceptions: see Ron-ron). MLB won’t change their policies, they’re too worried about steroids from years ago, well maybe in 5 years they’ll go back and try to suspend more people involved in that fight last weekend, like they are trying with steroids.

The NHL will always have fighting. There are no two ways about it, it is needed in the game. If it’s not there too many people will get hurt. It is good to see a professional athlete teaching the right way to do his skill. Keep it going Boogey.

Russo's Rants: Derek Boogaard Update

Monday, June 18, 2007

The Legend of Dr. Mourneau

When Justin Morneau hit his walk-off home run last night, his 20th of the season, it got me thinking about the Twins best power hitter since Harmon Killebrew. Through 67 games has 257 at bats, 48 runs, 72 hits, 20 home runs (3 are walk-offs) 54 RBIs, 30 base on balls, 39 strike outs and a .280 bating average. Little is known about the Canadian first baseman except that he won the MVP last year and loves and played hockey as a child. Because the Twins first baseman grew up in Canada and plays in Minnesota there is little media coverage and even less in terms of background information. The following, this legend of Dr. Morneau, was obtained through interviews with a friend of a friend of a guy who used to know a dude who played pee-wees with Morneau, the chick who dated Joe Mauer in 4th grade and recently had a phone conversation with him and the oldest and drunkest man we could find in New Westminster, British Columbia.

Legend has it Dr. Morneau was born with a bat in one hand and a hockey stick in the other, this lead to a 43 hour delivery from his mother who immediately returned to catch her co-ed softball game in time to hit a walk-off grand slam of her own. Morneau’s godfather, Paul Bunyan, attempted to play outfield against a 4 year-old Morneau; The pair used Mount Seymour as the outfield fence, but Bunyan continually fell into Buntzen lake and eventually gave up citing “bad knees.” By the time he was 11 he was playing on the High School baseball team. His most notorious play came at the plate against Fraser Valley Christian High School when he sent the catcher into the 5th row. He was declared safe.

At the age of 15 Morneau had a very eventful camping trip in which he single-handedly hunted down the entire Bigfoot population in the area using only a Swiss army knife and gumption. Earlier in the day he arm-wrestled a Grizzly Bear to a tie. When asked about the tie Morneau said that he would have ripped the bear’s arm off, but he holds a special spot in his heart for the beasts. Also the bear’s wife was in the crowd and he felt no need to embarrass the Grizzly more than he already had.

As a Pee Wee hockey player the first baseman preferred to play sans helmet and take puck shots to the face prior to games to get “psyched-up.” Twins fans may have been surprised when Morneau continued playing with a broken nose but Canadians simply said, ” Yeah, that’s Morneau for ya, Eh.” On a side note Morneau’s great grandfather invented the word “Eh.” The origin came from the grandfather attempting to fight and hit on the slugger’s great grandmother simultaneously. He happened to be ending sentences as his foe landed kidney shots.

Recently Morneau lobbied the MLB rules committee to allow him to carry Lew Ford and Nick Punto on his shoulders as he batted and ran bases. He figured that if he crossed home plate with the two on his shoulders he would score 3 runs automatically instead of having to wait for the two to get on base themselves. In an effort to get his rule passed he offered to rip Barry Bonds’ eyes out. Hank Aaron appreciated the offer, but Bud Selig said that the police would most likely have to get involved. Finally, there is much commotion about Morneau’s daily routine of a Jimmy John’s sub prior to each game. What is not as widely known is that the first baseman washes down the sandwich with an authentic Major league baseball eaten like an apple. Morneau says it helps with his “intestinal fortitude.” Morneau recently received an honorary doctorate in ball crushing from the University of Vancouver... Hence the title Dr. Morneau.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

NBA News and Notes

  • The Spurs won the title again, which means the Pats will win the Super Bowl just to spite San Antonio.
  • Michael Finley is one of the few Spurs players left who deserves a ring.
  • Tim Duncan is still a bitch.
  • Tony parker is marrying a succubus. (and won MVP)
  • LeBron still needs help in Cleveland.
  • Robert Horry has enough championship rings to auction one off on E-bay when he gets poor.
  • I watched the first half of game 4 in spanish. ( had to make it interesting some how)
  • Juwan Howard is now a member of the Wovles. (goodbye Mike James and Justin Reed)
  • Bracey Wright is still locked up somewhere in the basement of the Target Center
  • I love you grandma. Remember that time I threw up a bunch of orange soda on the merry-go-round? or watching "Get Smart." I'll try to get there soon.
  • Its harder to type when you've been drinking
  • Falco ist tot

In Theaters Tomorrow...

Update: I've noticed that Google sends people to last week's films so hit the tag at the bottom to get info on the most recent films to hit theaters. This was written on June 14th

Do you like bad movies starring hot chicks? Jessica Alba is back in the second FANTASTIC FOUR. Do you like Children’s literature with a female target audience? NANCY DREW comes out this week. Did you think that SHAUN OF THE DEAD lacked a Canadian accent, eh? FIDO offers you the chance to laugh while watching zombies bite people’s faces off. Do you think Jamie Pressly and Miho from SIN CITY should fight each other in bikinis with swords? DEAD OR ALIVE can do that and promise a 3 minute volleyball scene. Do you think the movies coming out this week are going to be pretty shitty? Me too.

I’m not gonna lie; I thought the first FANTASTIC FOUR was a piece of shit and a two hour long billboard. The new one, FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER, will suffer from similar product placement, super cheesy lines, an ending that won’t actually end and fanboys crying about how Galactus looks in the film. Silver Surfer origin story any body? I dug the Sliver surfer when I was a kid… he had a flying surf board, could travel into space and he was indifferent towards the plight of others, all of my favorites share that quality. My all-time comic book cartoons go 1.Spiderman 2. X-men 3. Batman 4. Silver Surfer. Oh yeah… Jessica Alba is a sexy, but terrible actress.

Nancy Drew comes to the big screen in a modernized version of her books this week and most of the critics I’ve read have panned it. The teenage sleuth and her father take a trip to Los Angeles where she attempts to unravel the murder mystery of a film star (check the glove compartment for a bag of coke Nancy) Allusions to CHINA TOWN, MULHOLLAND DRIVE and last years HOLLYWOODLAND as well as a cameo from Bruce Willis don’t seem to be able to save the film and only provide an instance of excitement for the parents forced to see the film.

Billy Connelly plays Fido in FIDO, the story of one boys attempt to keep his pet zombie around after he has accidentally eaten the neighbor. If you don’t know Connelly you’re just not thinking hard enough, he was the father in BOONDOCK SAINTS. Dylan Baker plays the head of the Robinson family and Carrie Ann Moss plays the mother. Moss is of course of THE MATRIX fame and Baker is an actor we’ve all seen before, but even if I list the films you’re going to need IMDB. This is essentially the story of a boy and his dog… if his dog were a 6-foot tall blood thirsty Zombie. I’m actually very interested in this film, but don’t think I’ll get a chance to see it in theaters.

DEAD OR ALIVE is the shittiest of shitty movies coming out this week. The film is based on a “popular” video game series that I am unaware of. Cory Yuen (THE TRANSPORTER) directs this film about 3 female fighters who enter a secret tournament on a secluded island… blah, blah, blah. You know the deal. Jamie Pressly probably should have stuck with “My Name Is Earl.” The other two leads are played by Devon Aoki (Miho) and Holly Valance, whom I had never had the pleasure of knowing. Somehow I stumbled upon this video from DOA of Ms. Valance putting on a bra in the coolest way possible.

Box Office should look like this #1. FANTASTIC FOUR #2. OCEANS #3. KNOCKED UP #4. PIRATES #5. SURFS UP -Wow thats a link heavy post.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Butts to do 3 years for TP

I was on my way to work yesterday and listening to MPR like usual when an off the wall story came screaming out of the radio, bounced around my skull for a tick or two and came to a screeching halt. In Marshalltown Iowa a woman by the name of Suzanne Marie Butts has been charged with stealing toilet paper out of the local courthouse (this is going to NOTY for sure). The 38 year old woman was caught brown handed with 3 rolls by an employee last week and now faces three years in prison.

On Friday (the 8th, I’m guessing) Butts was charged with stealing $30 from a family member. The $30 was Butts’ 3rd theft charge and the plundered toilet paper was her fourth making her eligible for conviction under the state’s habitual offender law. That is one year per single ply bottom shelf sandpaper make your ass bleed government TP roll. When the authorities caught up with her in the parking lot she attempted to hide them under her shirt. Wow, ain’t that some shit?

Pic from GastroGirl.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Unleashing My Inner Yogi Berra

So I’m outside on my smoke break watching the monster clouds storm the castle cloud and taking a drag off of my cigarette, hating every wonderful moment of it when I have an epiphany. I rub my recently fattened belly, which got that way after pilfering a raspberry loaf cake from the homeless via the Starbuck’s donation box, and it comes to me, ” Maybe if I stop smoking and start running I’ll stop smoking and start running.”

Genius! Why had I never thought of this before? If I stop smoking and start running, I’ll stop smoking and start running. I’d be dead sexy if I could pull this off. I’d finally have those abs that I’ve been photoshopping onto my pictures, I’d have a different kind of funny smell (maybe even a good one, I don’t know) and I could finally afford that drink I’ve been thinking about buying a lovely young lady for years. Best of all I could shout, “You’ll never catch me, coppers” and mean it!

I’m gonna try like hell to make this work, but its gonna be real hard. I’m one lazy bastard. I’ll probably have to pick up some running shoes and I just bought a pair so my thrifty side is going to tell me that this is an unnecessary purchase. I also hate being seen, I don’t want to hear, “ Hey tubby, I saw you running last Tuesday.” Stop stalking me A-hole; I don’t go around telling you what I saw last Tuesday… P.S. don’t call me tubby, its offensive. I also hate sweating; it’s unbecoming. Then there is the whole issue of smoking.

I think the last time I ran it was because I was out of cigarettes. Sometimes I don’t even know why I’ve left the house until I’m standing in line at the gas station blurting out “pack of Camel lights.” That is the epitome of an addiction. I don’t consider myself to be a heavy smoker, usually I can keep it between 3-5 when alcohol is not present, but I’m experienced. If smoking were a job I’d get it based on experience alone, no college degree necessary. I hate smoking, I’ve hated it for a good two years now, and I’ve been able to quit for a week here and there and even a month once. The problem is that after you’ve got a month in your pocket you regain your sense of smell, and when someone lights up that shit smells good.

I know that I’m going to need one to help with the other and vise versa. If I quit smoking and don’t run I’ll be a fatty fat fat and playgirl will never come knocking on my door looking for Mr. September. If I start running and don’t quit smoking I’ll never get anywhere and I’ll be a Chubby McTubster. I think I’ve made my decision. I’d like to have my taste and smell back, lose that nagging cough and most of all I’d like to bring out my inner sexy beast. I’m far too shy to approach most of the women I’m interested in and it would be fantastic if I were so fetching that they had no choice but to approach me. I’m glad I had a mind meld with the ghost of Yogi Berra today. I'll probably join the Lewis and Clark College track team.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are three notable films coming out this week meaning that Spidey will most certainly be knocked out of the top 5. SURF’S UP has everything a 5 year old could need - penguins, surfing and laughs (for 5 year olds). HOSTEL: PART TWO has everything a sick F*ck could need- S&M, gruesome death scenes and European backpacking. OCEAN’S THIRTEEN has every People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the last 10 years or so and their bestest of friends.

Ok... I lied about OCEAN’S THIRTEEN. They only have 2 two-time winners and the best friend and younger brother of another… but I’m right, right? George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and crew are back with another “crime of the century” film. The problem is that this team of malcontents has pulled three crimes of the century in one century AND enlisted the help of their former adversary. Al Pacino is along for the ride taking Andy Garcia’s place as antagonist. This series is beginning to feel a little contrived and it seems like they made the film to say, “look how much fun we had making this.” In My eyes Don Cheadle can do no wrong, Bernie Mac can always make me laugh and the back and forth between Scott Cann and Casey Affleck is great, so you won’t be entirely out of luck if you are looking for some return on your money but don’t be too surprised if the greatest crime of the century was getting you to spend 8-10 dollars on a ticket. Soderberg had better be on his game and it had better be better than OCEAN’s TWELVE.

Eli Roth is the man behind the lense for HOSTEL 2. He also did the original film and the lesser-known CABIN FEVER. His films have always seemed closer to snuff films than horror films for me. He doesn’t so much scare you in the traditional sense and instead opts to keep the camera on the gruesome act when others would cut away (see the Achilles tendon scene in the original HOSTEL). I’ve heard that the original survivor from the first film, played by Jay Hernandez, is back but this time the film is focused on three girls instead of three dudes. I’m sure this film will be Umber creepy in a non-scary way… he should focus on turning that Thanksgiving thing from GRIND HOUSE into a feature or work on a new project and maybe not get his work leaked onto the Internet next time.

Shia LaBeouf claims this summer for himself with his second of three films to be released in a 3-4 month span. This time he comes in penguin form as the pro surfer being followed by a documentary film crew in SURF’S UP. I thought penguins were more of a winter animal… but I also thought that there would be no need for a surfboard when an animal is so good at swimming. Also lending their voices to this project are Zooey Deschanel (Trillian from THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE, ELF), the “dude” himself- Jeff Bridges, James Woods and Napoleon Dynamite. An animated film posing as a documentary does not sound like the sort of thing I want to watch, but I love “The Office” and its premise involves a documentary film crew. I have decided to boycott the movies this week and instead spend my money on horsies.

Box office should look like this #1 PIRATES #2 OCEAN’S #3 KNOCKED UP #4 SHREK #5 HOSTEL 2

What to do?.... What to do??

I think that's what a lot of us Minnesota Twins fans are wondering as the season nears its midway point. With Cleveland showing no signs of slowing down and the Tigers having the most talent in the Central, it doesn't look any brighter for the Twins as they cling to a .500 record that still sees them 6 1/2 games behind the division leader.
Now, I know what you will say. Its the same thing everybody says around Minnesota. "Well, we have a better record this year then at the same time last year and look what happened??" I get that. But that is a very ignorant statement. If you actually believe that the Tigers and Indians are gonna lay down again and let us walk all over them like we did last year, you are just plain crazy. For one, the Tigers are a year more experienced and they had one of the best free agent signings of this past off season in Gary Sheffield. That just wont happen again. That was a once in a decade comeback. Lets move on.
So, instead of waiting for that miracle comeback, why not be proactive for once??
I know, its a pretty aggressive, earth-shattering concept. Definitely something the Twins are not known for, thats for sure. Why not go out for once and get one of the players that could be had for the right price, maybe even less. Why not get the fans excited again and give them hope for this year, not the next or the next after that.
Make a splash like the Yankees do every year. Sure, it hasn't worked for them recently, but I'd take that lineup against any pitching staff in the league and I'd like my chances.
Twins fans need to come to realization that Torii Hunter is not going to be a Twin next year. Sadly, the way free agency has ballooned out of control, we have as much of a chance of re-signing him as we do of trading for A-Rod. Torii has been the heart and soul of this Twins team since I can remember but shit, if you think about it, if Gil Meche can get 55 Million dollars and Barry Zito can get 126 Million for being average pitchers, the best defensive Centerfielder in the league will command somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 million or more from the likes of the Red Sox or Rangers.

People will say that since we cant re-sign him, we should try and trade him so we don't let him go without getting compensation back in return. I agree with this whole heartedly, but if the Twins are unwilling to do so because they are still in the race, I sympathize.
What would be the alternative, you say? Well, Ive thought long and hard about what we could do. First, I was thinking of trading for Florida's Miguel Cabrera. A young power-hitting superstar third baseman would fit beautifully on this squad. One problem, Cabrera would be so much harder to re-sign than Torii would be. It would be the same problem we would have had if we would have traded for Alfonso Soriano last year. No matter how much I drool over the possibilities, it's just not feasible.
Secondly, I thought, why not not trade Torii and scrap this year completely. Wait until next year with a healthy Francisco Liriano, and more mature lineup, and a healthy **gulp** Joe Mauer. We could use the money we save from Torii's contract to try and sign Johan to a longer term deal so we don't lose him too. Then I thought, no, we are too good to just give up on this year so soon. Ya know, with a good tweak here and there, we could be good enough to win the whole damn thing....

Then, it came to me. Finally, an idea that fits all around. Carl Crawford.

Tampa Bay isn't going anywhere without pitching. Even a team thats as talented as they are on offense, just isn't going to be competitive if they cant get anyone out, especially in the AL East. They need pitching. We have pitching. We need speed and power. They have speed and power in the form of one guy. Crawford is young and still getting better. And the best thing is.... He's affordable, if not downright cheap for a player of his quality. He already signed a deal with the Devil Rays for the next two years with club options for two more years. Crawford is a bargain at $4 million this season and $5.25 million next season. His contract also includes an $8.25 million club option for 2009 and a $10 million option for '10. If we do indeed lose Torii for nothing in free agency, the blow will be much easier to absorb with our future stud in the outfield. He has the speed to play center if need be, but as of right now is a left fielder. He could immediately take over for a once again vastly underachieving Jason Kubel. We could use him for situational hitting like he should be anyways. Sure, we might have to give up quite a bit to get him, but its worth it. We could package either a combination of one of the three pitchers that will rotate between the majors and AAA this year in Kevin Slowey, Matt Garza, and Scott Baker. Might seem pricey, but this can be one of the cornerstones of our franchise for years to come.
If you disagree, just take a minute to imagine our lineup with Crawford in it...
Castillo and Crawford at the 1 and 2 spots, getting on base and causing havoc on the base paths with their speed and aggressiveness. Mauer, Cuddyer, Morneau, and Torii waiting to drive them in. And the piranhas at the end of the order to start the madness all over again. That is music to my ears.
So, I implore our favorite squad, please don't drop the ball yet again. Don't let another very attainable talent get away and into the hands of one of your rivals.
Stop waiting for these pitchers to hit their stride, and trade them while you still can get something for them. Don't try and develop EVERYBODY from within... Go out and get Crawford and lets Win this damn thing.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

You Give Schwing a Bad Name

Remember when you were a child and you get hard-ons for no reason and you were taught ton think about baseball and baseball players with great mustaches (Rolly Fingers, Wade Boggs and Randy Johnson) Well, kids today will have the perfect reason why they just can't seem to lose their erections.

I man from New York is suing the health drink company Boost Plus, claiming that the vitamin enriched drink gave him an erection that would not subdue and caused him to be hospitalized. Can you imagine that visit to the emergency room...ackward. "What seems to be the problem"? "Helen Keller, are you kidding me...You failed to see the massive tent in my pants that won't go down"?

The 29 year old man said he woke up the next morning after drinking the beverage with an erection that would not subside. The man underwent surgery for implantation of a "Winter shunt", how painful does that sound, which moves blood from one area to another. Ouch, the word shunt should never be used in the same sentence as erection. In fact, I think shunt should be taken out of the dictionary entirely.

The Winter shunt is the most common procedure (22). With this technique, a fistula is created between the glans penis and the corpora cavernosa. The success rate of these procedures ranges between 50% and 65% (40). Possible postoperative complications are infection of the corpora cavernosa with abscess formation, urethral injury leading to stricture or urethrocutaneous fistula and penile hematoma with or without penile thrombosis resulting in erectile dysfunction (6).

The problem with these surgical procedures is the high rate of erectile dysfunction (50%). Therefore they should only be used after failed conservative treatment (29). If erectile dysfunction is present the best treatment is implantation of a penile prosthesis to enable the patient to sexual intercourse (41).

I don't know what that all means, but scary.

Why does this deserve a posting, you might ask. Well, besides the fact that he claims to have gotten an erection from an energy drink that would not go away...the 29 year old man's name is Christopher Wood. His name speaks volumes. Insert pun here...

Going back to it just me or is it really creepy that Stan Van Gundy and Ron Jeremy look a lot alike.

Man Sues Over Long-Lasting Erection

LUNCH BREAK: Tigers need not wait said half hour

Yesterday I brought you a naked swimmer and today I bring you a swimming tiger. Bez pointed these pictures out to me the other day and since I had no theme for the lunch break I thought this would do. Today’s links are very Minnesota heavy so screw you, other 49 states in the union. There, I said it.

Musings from a Twins fan trapped in Chicago. Apparently they are still bitter about the sweep.

Roger Goodell’s inner monologue

Surprisingly the Wolves don’t show up on this list of the worst and best NBA drafts in the last ten years. Except for the time they passed up their pick.

Some notes about Tarvaris Jackson and Adrian Peterson from

Tim Brewster is lying, but his son is probably a better quarterback.

The T-wolves blog want Chauncey back. I just want to know how many guards Detriot would be willing to take in return.

The Cobra Brigade breaks down the NBA finals match-up by position.

Manny and Backstrom forced to appear on stage together to accept an award… Awkward.

Do not play a game of pick-up ball with THE GAME.

Randball takes time out of his busy day to scratch his head.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I want to like the NBA

For the amount of NBA basketball that I watch, which is minimal, I really don't understand why I'm so interested in the off the court/off-season stuff. I follow the NBA news religiously. I rarely will sit down and watch a game. I read many NBA blogs, follow stats, and highlights. I get really into the politics of the league. I really don't know why I am like this or if I'm alone in these actions. Maybe it's due to fantasy, maybe the inter-working of the league is more interesting then the poor product they put on the floor. I believe that it has much more to do with the later.

I have played basketball since I can remember. I quit hockey after one year when I was a kid, because I had to make the decision to play one or the other, to be honest I don't try and have regrets, but I wish I would have kept with hockey, but I digress. I am going to try and write down my feelings about the NBA and how these thoughts have progressed into how I watch this league.

I am going to call this first viewing period the Bulls Dynasty, and I believe it is what initially drew me into the NBA; I was two years old when Jordan was drafted. This period started with my first memories of watching basketball (1989??-1998). When I was 8 the Bulls won their 1st Championship, 5 more would follow over the next eight years. I remember watching many of the Bulls playoff games over the next eight years. As a kid it was easy to get into the Bulls, they were always winning, especially when the Wolves sucked as bad as they do now; imagine that, McHale wasn't even running them into the ground at this point. I also am a Hawkeye fan, so having B.J. Armstrong on the team didn't hurt.

I remember being at basketball camp in June right after school had got out and we would be on some college campus in the TV lounge watching the NBA Finals on the big screen. Those were the days, for me at least.
Back then I watched a quite few games, more then I do now and really got into the playoffs, but rarely followed any news besides the Jordan stuff. I'm not sure how you would categorize that type of fan, it's much more than casual but, not fanatic. I didn't get into the off the court things like trades or drafts, even though they had very large impacts in the league, at that age, I guess I was being a kid.

This next viewing period (1999-2003) has to be called I hate the Spurs and Lakers Dynasty. At the beginning of this time period I really lost interest completely in the NBA. There are some telling reasons to this, one I lived in Australia for some of this, also I was a dumb high school kid and my world was only as big as the 15 people around me.
Also, in this period, I went to college and started to get involved in fantasy basketball. This started to get my interest back into the NBA. This interest was based on purely selfish reason, fantasy sports. The timing of this period is a little weird, because as you will notice the time frame is only 3 years, and the Lakers/Spurs have won Championships since the end of it. There is only one reason this is so short: the Wolves went to the Conference Finals in 2004. This had a very large impact in bringing me back to watching the NBA.

The next period is also short 2004-2005. This period is called the Wolves trip to the conference finals and following season. I had some transition in my life during this period. I started to gain some more interest in the league due to the fact that a roommate that I was living with was a huge NBA fan. Actually he's a huge fan of any sport no matter what it is (he may write here sometimes). So he helped fuel the passion for it, I watched a lot of regular season games and many of the playoff games the year the Wolves were in the finals and games into the next season.

The period I'm in now 2006-present, I will call the blog period. There is so much information out there on what is going on in the NBA, much of it may be speculation, but there is so much of it, it is hard not to be interested in it. Like I said earlier, I read a lot of blogs and pay attention to stats, but watch very little. I will watch the occasional game, I went to a couple, and actually I went to two Wolves wins, one over the Jazz and the other over the Suns, stopping them on an 18 game winning streak.

In my lifetime I have gone from a fan interested in purely entertainment in my first period of NBA fanfare to complete indifference due to the hate of the Spurs/Lakers and lack of interest in the league into a fan that pays a little attention for fantasy.
To someone who cares little about what goes-on on the court and more about what happens around the court.

I can have a conversation with almost any NBA fan and keep up with stats, standings, news and anything really but I seldom will sit down and watch an NBA game. I have watched about 2 total playoff games and one of them I watch the whole game (the suns-spurs game after the suspensions). I guess what I'm trying to say is, I really don't get what my infatuation is with the NBA. I don't really enjoy watching the game, besides a few teams (Suns, Wizards) that can play with some energy, not many of them can. I want to like the NBA, that's it, I really want to like the NBA, but I need some more entertainment value out of the league. Can anyone help me????

If I were to advise a GM into how to get me back into actually watching the game these are a few things I would suggest be done or at least tried.

First quit hiring coaches from the damn coaching cesspool. People don’t want to see re-treads, go out to Europe, ala Mike D'antoni and hire some guy who plays a different style from the NBA. Fans are sick of the NBA style; we want to see 4 energetic quarters.

Next, encourage more personalities in the game, ala Gilbert Arenas, by drafting guys who truly love playing basketball. It must be their passion to play basketball for them to be personable. If they’re in it just for the money get rid of them.

I could keep going but this is damn long so I will stop for now, although I will keep hoping the NBA can get me to care to actually watch the games.

LUNCH BREAK: Please Wait One Half Hour Before Entering the Pool

Above is a sneak peak at Amanda Beard’s Playboy cover. Mmmm… Swimmer’s body. Feel free to make your own breaststroke joke. Below is some wicked awesome links to get you through the rest of the day. The last three are not so much about sports, but highly interesting and hilarious.

All the Twins info you need for the day brought to you by the Twins Junkie.

The only reason to watch the Women’s Softball College World Series: Arizona.

The Juice is on a roll… Jason Giambi’s 1997 baseball card is a little more than interesting.

Sorry Mr. Sinker, I’d rather have a stand-up guy like Torii than a cheater (albeit a very good player) such as A-Rod.

Greg Oden has a blog, and if he is anything like me it will only take a month or so to separate his writing into paragraphs.

The Big lead says the Wolves will draft Yi Jianlian. I say they will draft a half eaten sandwich… or Joe Smith.

I wanna work here. If you only click on one link today make it this one.

Here is your random Pirate link for the day.

DonkeyBall? Where do I get tickets? (this may actually be better than the work link)

Free Bracey Wright!

San Antonio Will Win The Finals

Don’t worry Cavs fans, the only reason I said that was because I’ve noticed that any definitive statement I am forced to eat my words (here and here). The Cavs are the team I want to win, along with everyone not living in Texas, and I honestly think they have a good shot. The Cavs are absolutely nothing special without LeBron and people have been ragging on him since he entered the league about everything from free throw percentage to his ability to put up the last second shot.

That last second shot argument has always bothered me. People argue that he has been in the league for 4 years and still has troubles taking that shot. I say its because he dominated in high school and there was never any real need for that type of shot… the kid spent his high school years dominating everyone who attempted to play ball against him. When March madness rolls around who usually takes the last shot for a team? It’s the upperclassmen who have felt this pressure before. LaBron’s entry into the NBA was a baptism by fire, and he did way better than any high-schooled before him. KG may always pass up on the final shot but LeBron won’t have a problem after his best playoff performance yet.

It seems to me that LeBron figured out that he has to take control of the game and that he doesn’t have Scottie Pippen, B.J. Armstrong, Horace Grant, Kerr and Paxson. LeBron has the human equivalent of peanut brittle in Larry Hughes, a rookie who calls himself Boobie (come on ladies- lets make some interesting shirts) and Sideshow Bob Anderson Varejao. Lebron’s supporting cast is more like the supporting cast of a screwball comedy and I think he is beginning to realize this. This is why he knocked down the final two free throws in game 4 while laughing in the face of his critics. This is why he returned in game 5 with two dunks in the last 30 seconds to tie it up and followed those up with the rest of the team’s points in the two subsequent overtimes.

I truly believe that whatever sparked LeBron to a series win over Detroit saved the NBA finals. I know that I personally didn’t want to watch a Spurs/Pistons series. That sounds like the time I walked into the voting booth and got to choose between Bush and Kerry… both seemed like bad options. I only hope that LeBron can summon the force once more and defeat the darkside of the NBA. Look, I found some evidence… Its Pop and Palp.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Mid-Year Resolutions

Ok, so I really don’t know for what reason I haven’t had anything to write about for the past few weeks. Maybe it’s a little but of all this nice weather, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve had a lot going on at work, probably has a lot to do with my infatuation with a certain discussion forum or something that I can’t really think of. I mean, shit, it takes me about 15 minutes to write a typical short post. I know you are amazed at the quality I can pump out in 15 minutes, I’m just that good.

I have never heard of people ever doing mid year resolutions, but since it is the 6th month of the year June; I am going to start anew. I am going to try and post at least 3 times a week, that can’t take too much effort. As I say that I’m going to do this, I already know that it’s not going to happen this week due to a work trip to Vegas.

Here we go, this past month had giving us plenty to talk about, from this Allison Stokke character, with whom my friend below was a few weeks late on, to the Timberwolves draft lottery getting First seventh pick and we already know what’s going to happen with that (bad things, welcome to Minnesota Mr. Noah), the Twins starting their annual work to move back into contention in the AL Central, to Lebron James taking Cleveland, the NBA, Disney(espn/abc), Ohio and anyone else who wants to get on his back (like KG in this commercial) into the NBA finals.

Lebron is getting all the comparison now that at age 22 he has brought his team to the finals. I truly believe that he deserves said comparisons, even if he doesn’t win the Finals. The ratings for the finals will be significantly higher due to him; it is all about money anyways. I even had a conversation at work today with people who aren’t basketball fans about LBJ. His supporting cast is fairly week so it’s kind of a shame to see they don’t have a pick in the 1st round this year (Phoenix owns theirs). With this draft supposedly so deep it would be interesting to see what they could do with another solid player.

This draft coming up is really intriguing and that’s a subject I plan on writing about more in the next 3 weeks until the draft. Today Mr. Abbott over at TrueHoop did a story on Greg Oden’s pre-draft athletic tests, and these results are remarkable. I have always thought the old man kid was good but after I read this story I’m kind of scared of him. Check this out:

Oden is faster than Durant in the 3/4-court sprint, quicker in the lane-agility drill, and has better numbers in the running and standing vertical leaps. And, Oden has a mind-boggling 7.8 body-fat percentage ... most big men are north of the 12 percent range. For instance, other top-rated big men such as Washington's Spencer Hawes (13.0), Duke's Josh McRoberts (13.7) and Pitt's Aaron Gray (10.8) don't compare.

His wingspan is 7 feet, 4.25 inches (fourth best in the draft). His standing reach is 9 feet, 4 inches (the highest of anyone in the draft). His standing vertical is 32 inches, his running vertical 34 inches.

If this kid isn’t good he will be one of the biggest wastes of pure ability to come into the draft in long time, maybe ever. His capability shoot opposite handed free-throws this year is so impressive for a big man, it’s almost like that ambidextrous pitcher from Creighton, and well I guess that comparison is a little crazy, but it’s still really extraordinary.

Well that is a very small tip (insert dick joke here) of what you and I have missed in my lame three week hiatus from this site. Just in writing this I have forced myself to hold back so I have other topics to discuss here, hopefully they will be enjoyable. Oh and by the way, the White Socks Suck.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Guess Who's Back?

It has been quite some time since my last post. And I know that everyone was losing sleep over my posting absences. Well...wait no longer. It is time to sleep again.

What if I were to tell you that I would...with a female pole vaulter. Would you think I was crazy? What if I were to tell you that you would with a female pole vaulter?

Put it this way...Besides the Angel, Dodgers, Ducks and the Real Housewives of Orange County; Orange County is also home to the hottest track star in the US. She is 18 year old Allison Stokke. Settle down Neubie, she is too old for you. She even has her own Fan club on My Space. Keep in mind guys...she is an aries and you know what that means. Have you ever seen a better body than that...OMG!!!!!

Not only is she hot with the most ridiculous body I have ever seen...she can handle a big pole, which I know nothing about. Whu Whu Whu... Besides that, she is actually a really good pole vaulter. She is second in CA for female pole vaulting. I know nothing about pole vaulting, but it turns me on. Plus, she will be in the next Summer Olympics.

I have a point with this posting and the point is this...God Bless hot atheltic women with amazing bodies. The world has never been the same since the Women's Arizona Softball team, Anna Kournikovas and Brittney Jackson...Me likey.

LUNCH BREAK: A Phenom's First Start

In an attempt to woo all five of you who read this thing back after a week off we've done much Sherlock Holmsery in order to give the the best stuff that the internets has to offer. Most of it is baseball related, but Labron and a few other subjects could not be denied their rightful place in our laziest of tags. P.S. Stop making fun of my photoshop asshole.

Kevin Slowey makes his debut tonight. If you’ve been hiding under a rock La Velle E. Neil III can bring you up to speed on the phenomenal rookie.

Were super late on this one, but farewell Batgirl… We’ll see you when the kid is older.

Yesterday I wrote about the new Judd Apatow film KNOCKED UP and I stated in the past that I thought “Arrested Development” was pure genius. Today KSK showed me that the two worlds collided for one brief and beautiful moment.

Hey Kevin, can I borrow 5 dollars?

Losers, Geeks, Dorks and Freaks unite!

The Twins Junkie (and Patrick Reusse) praise Terry Ryan for opting to keep Matt Guerrier instead of “The Real Deal” J.D. Durbin.

MN Game Day has a solution for the third base problem.

Jeff Grayson has a point and I tried to argue the same thing with a friend last week to no avail… I’m gonna call that bastard up and ask him what he thought of Labron’s performance last night. Even people from Detroit acknowledged his greatness.

Brewers fans have funny way of celebrating a winning team.

The taxpayers pick up the tab for the stadium so Pohlad can use his money on a building across the street… so we can give him more money. I have a feeling that 2.8 billion dollars could easily buy us an MVP, an all-star closer, a 2 time Cy Young winner, and the best centerfielder since Kirby Puckett and Cuddy, the most under appreciated outfielder outside of Minnesota.

Read this before you go to the casino tonight.