Some People's Kids: In Theaters Tomorrow...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow...

Update: I've noticed that Google sends people to last week's films so hit the tag at the bottom to get info on the most recent films to hit theaters. This was written on June 14th

Do you like bad movies starring hot chicks? Jessica Alba is back in the second FANTASTIC FOUR. Do you like Children’s literature with a female target audience? NANCY DREW comes out this week. Did you think that SHAUN OF THE DEAD lacked a Canadian accent, eh? FIDO offers you the chance to laugh while watching zombies bite people’s faces off. Do you think Jamie Pressly and Miho from SIN CITY should fight each other in bikinis with swords? DEAD OR ALIVE can do that and promise a 3 minute volleyball scene. Do you think the movies coming out this week are going to be pretty shitty? Me too.

I’m not gonna lie; I thought the first FANTASTIC FOUR was a piece of shit and a two hour long billboard. The new one, FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER, will suffer from similar product placement, super cheesy lines, an ending that won’t actually end and fanboys crying about how Galactus looks in the film. Silver Surfer origin story any body? I dug the Sliver surfer when I was a kid… he had a flying surf board, could travel into space and he was indifferent towards the plight of others, all of my favorites share that quality. My all-time comic book cartoons go 1.Spiderman 2. X-men 3. Batman 4. Silver Surfer. Oh yeah… Jessica Alba is a sexy, but terrible actress.

Nancy Drew comes to the big screen in a modernized version of her books this week and most of the critics I’ve read have panned it. The teenage sleuth and her father take a trip to Los Angeles where she attempts to unravel the murder mystery of a film star (check the glove compartment for a bag of coke Nancy) Allusions to CHINA TOWN, MULHOLLAND DRIVE and last years HOLLYWOODLAND as well as a cameo from Bruce Willis don’t seem to be able to save the film and only provide an instance of excitement for the parents forced to see the film.

Billy Connelly plays Fido in FIDO, the story of one boys attempt to keep his pet zombie around after he has accidentally eaten the neighbor. If you don’t know Connelly you’re just not thinking hard enough, he was the father in BOONDOCK SAINTS. Dylan Baker plays the head of the Robinson family and Carrie Ann Moss plays the mother. Moss is of course of THE MATRIX fame and Baker is an actor we’ve all seen before, but even if I list the films you’re going to need IMDB. This is essentially the story of a boy and his dog… if his dog were a 6-foot tall blood thirsty Zombie. I’m actually very interested in this film, but don’t think I’ll get a chance to see it in theaters.

DEAD OR ALIVE is the shittiest of shitty movies coming out this week. The film is based on a “popular” video game series that I am unaware of. Cory Yuen (THE TRANSPORTER) directs this film about 3 female fighters who enter a secret tournament on a secluded island… blah, blah, blah. You know the deal. Jamie Pressly probably should have stuck with “My Name Is Earl.” The other two leads are played by Devon Aoki (Miho) and Holly Valance, whom I had never had the pleasure of knowing. Somehow I stumbled upon this video from DOA of Ms. Valance putting on a bra in the coolest way possible.

Box Office should look like this #1. FANTASTIC FOUR #2. OCEANS #3. KNOCKED UP #4. PIRATES #5. SURFS UP -Wow thats a link heavy post.

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