Some People's Kids: The Legend of Dr. Mourneau

Monday, June 18, 2007

The Legend of Dr. Mourneau

When Justin Morneau hit his walk-off home run last night, his 20th of the season, it got me thinking about the Twins best power hitter since Harmon Killebrew. Through 67 games has 257 at bats, 48 runs, 72 hits, 20 home runs (3 are walk-offs) 54 RBIs, 30 base on balls, 39 strike outs and a .280 bating average. Little is known about the Canadian first baseman except that he won the MVP last year and loves and played hockey as a child. Because the Twins first baseman grew up in Canada and plays in Minnesota there is little media coverage and even less in terms of background information. The following, this legend of Dr. Morneau, was obtained through interviews with a friend of a friend of a guy who used to know a dude who played pee-wees with Morneau, the chick who dated Joe Mauer in 4th grade and recently had a phone conversation with him and the oldest and drunkest man we could find in New Westminster, British Columbia.

Legend has it Dr. Morneau was born with a bat in one hand and a hockey stick in the other, this lead to a 43 hour delivery from his mother who immediately returned to catch her co-ed softball game in time to hit a walk-off grand slam of her own. Morneau’s godfather, Paul Bunyan, attempted to play outfield against a 4 year-old Morneau; The pair used Mount Seymour as the outfield fence, but Bunyan continually fell into Buntzen lake and eventually gave up citing “bad knees.” By the time he was 11 he was playing on the High School baseball team. His most notorious play came at the plate against Fraser Valley Christian High School when he sent the catcher into the 5th row. He was declared safe.

At the age of 15 Morneau had a very eventful camping trip in which he single-handedly hunted down the entire Bigfoot population in the area using only a Swiss army knife and gumption. Earlier in the day he arm-wrestled a Grizzly Bear to a tie. When asked about the tie Morneau said that he would have ripped the bear’s arm off, but he holds a special spot in his heart for the beasts. Also the bear’s wife was in the crowd and he felt no need to embarrass the Grizzly more than he already had.

As a Pee Wee hockey player the first baseman preferred to play sans helmet and take puck shots to the face prior to games to get “psyched-up.” Twins fans may have been surprised when Morneau continued playing with a broken nose but Canadians simply said, ” Yeah, that’s Morneau for ya, Eh.” On a side note Morneau’s great grandfather invented the word “Eh.” The origin came from the grandfather attempting to fight and hit on the slugger’s great grandmother simultaneously. He happened to be ending sentences as his foe landed kidney shots.

Recently Morneau lobbied the MLB rules committee to allow him to carry Lew Ford and Nick Punto on his shoulders as he batted and ran bases. He figured that if he crossed home plate with the two on his shoulders he would score 3 runs automatically instead of having to wait for the two to get on base themselves. In an effort to get his rule passed he offered to rip Barry Bonds’ eyes out. Hank Aaron appreciated the offer, but Bud Selig said that the police would most likely have to get involved. Finally, there is much commotion about Morneau’s daily routine of a Jimmy John’s sub prior to each game. What is not as widely known is that the first baseman washes down the sandwich with an authentic Major league baseball eaten like an apple. Morneau says it helps with his “intestinal fortitude.” Morneau recently received an honorary doctorate in ball crushing from the University of Vancouver... Hence the title Dr. Morneau.

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