Some People's Kids: In Theaters Tomorrow…

Thursday, June 7, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are three notable films coming out this week meaning that Spidey will most certainly be knocked out of the top 5. SURF’S UP has everything a 5 year old could need - penguins, surfing and laughs (for 5 year olds). HOSTEL: PART TWO has everything a sick F*ck could need- S&M, gruesome death scenes and European backpacking. OCEAN’S THIRTEEN has every People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the last 10 years or so and their bestest of friends.

Ok... I lied about OCEAN’S THIRTEEN. They only have 2 two-time winners and the best friend and younger brother of another… but I’m right, right? George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and crew are back with another “crime of the century” film. The problem is that this team of malcontents has pulled three crimes of the century in one century AND enlisted the help of their former adversary. Al Pacino is along for the ride taking Andy Garcia’s place as antagonist. This series is beginning to feel a little contrived and it seems like they made the film to say, “look how much fun we had making this.” In My eyes Don Cheadle can do no wrong, Bernie Mac can always make me laugh and the back and forth between Scott Cann and Casey Affleck is great, so you won’t be entirely out of luck if you are looking for some return on your money but don’t be too surprised if the greatest crime of the century was getting you to spend 8-10 dollars on a ticket. Soderberg had better be on his game and it had better be better than OCEAN’s TWELVE.

Eli Roth is the man behind the lense for HOSTEL 2. He also did the original film and the lesser-known CABIN FEVER. His films have always seemed closer to snuff films than horror films for me. He doesn’t so much scare you in the traditional sense and instead opts to keep the camera on the gruesome act when others would cut away (see the Achilles tendon scene in the original HOSTEL). I’ve heard that the original survivor from the first film, played by Jay Hernandez, is back but this time the film is focused on three girls instead of three dudes. I’m sure this film will be Umber creepy in a non-scary way… he should focus on turning that Thanksgiving thing from GRIND HOUSE into a feature or work on a new project and maybe not get his work leaked onto the Internet next time.

Shia LaBeouf claims this summer for himself with his second of three films to be released in a 3-4 month span. This time he comes in penguin form as the pro surfer being followed by a documentary film crew in SURF’S UP. I thought penguins were more of a winter animal… but I also thought that there would be no need for a surfboard when an animal is so good at swimming. Also lending their voices to this project are Zooey Deschanel (Trillian from THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE, ELF), the “dude” himself- Jeff Bridges, James Woods and Napoleon Dynamite. An animated film posing as a documentary does not sound like the sort of thing I want to watch, but I love “The Office” and its premise involves a documentary film crew. I have decided to boycott the movies this week and instead spend my money on horsies.

Box office should look like this #1 PIRATES #2 OCEAN’S #3 KNOCKED UP #4 SHREK #5 HOSTEL 2

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