Notes from the Foreskin Vol. 3

Man, the resemblance is uncanny..

The Bears make me laugh. Every day, it seems, some other example of questionable decision making within the franchise comes to fruition. Just like 30 is the new 20, the Bears are the new Vikings. Going all the way back to the Lance Briggs situation, this has been a pretty comical series of events. Let's see, in the past three weeks, Brian Urlacher is threatening to sit out mini camps and part of the season if he doesn't get a better contract. Cedric Benson decided to add some resisting arrest to his drunken boating on Lake Travis in Texas. They failed to address the quarterback position in the draft, indicating once more, to everyone's astonishment, that they are committed to Rex Grossman. That's a laundry list of troubles that only the Vikings and Bengals are capable of duplicating. But wait, we're not done.. The best is yet to come. In their refusal to pay studs like Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher, who have earned their just due, they have chosen to make their kicker, Robbie Gould, the highest paid kicker in NFL history, edging out Adam Vinatari of the Indianapolis Colts. Hmmm let's see, kicking immortality who has made 3 Super Bowl winning kicks and countless other playoff boots that, along with some clever camera placement, helped the New England Patriots win 3 out of 4 Super Bowls.. Or a 3rd year kicker who hasn't proven anything. As a Vikings fan, this makes me smile. Since appearing in the Super Bowl just two short years ago, the Bears have succeeded in becoming one of the worst teams in the NFL. Sure, they will win a few games this year, (5 by Neubiedamus' count) but that's only because their pissed off, underpaid (relatively) defense is good for 2 games and Devon Hester is will win the other 3 for them. This team was the 3rd worst rushing team in the league last year and their top running back is now in serious danger of being cut. The hits just keep on coming. But at least they have their kicker locked up long term... Move over Detriot. Chicago is here to take the "Worst and most idiotic franchise in the NFL title" from ya. You held the reigns long enough.





In another shocker of a news story, the NCAA is investigating whether or not O.J. Mayo took gifts, in the form of cash and vehicles, while in high school and in college at USC. If you could actually here my tone of voice you might sense just a wee bit of sarcasm directed at that last statement. The story goes like this. Some sleazeball talked a poor, super talented black kid into accepting all this money to verbally agree to a contract with a sports marketing agency when he chooses to go to the NBA. Sound familiar?? Does Reggie Bush ring a bell? Same idea. Same school even. I think the moral of the story is. If you want money, no matter the consequence, go to USC. It seems like their athletic department is either too blind to see what the rest of us understand as commonplace, or they are just being enablers to the situation. Either way, I have a strong inkling that the NCAA is gonna come down hard on USC to make an example. Can you smell that? That's the can of worms just being cracked open. Just what America needs, another OJ causing a ruckus in Southern California. (I know its a really bad joke, but it was coming at me like an 83 mph fastball down the heart of the plate)

As for OJ Mayo, I don't think I've wanted a soon to be professional athlete fail more than I do this guy. Since I first heard the story of him walking into USC coach Tim Floyd's office and recruiting himself to the school, I have wished for his demise. It only got worse on hearing about and seeing the tape of him throwing an alley-oop to himself towards the end of a 40 point State Championship Game blowout and then getting ejected from his final game for chucking the ball into the stands. This might even be tolerable, if not excusable, but then he walked around the court, hands held high, basking in the cascading cheers of the crowd like some Roman Gladiator just having defeated a wildebeest. Only this is a high school kid, and it just proves what kind of cocky, attention hogging idiot this guy really is. The sad thing is, he has sick basketball talent and that will land him in a high spot in the upcoming NBA draft and probably some endorsement deals with Sunny D and Hellman's.


A note to PETA: As much as you would like Horses to speak, feel, talk and act like humans, they are not humans. Mr. Ed was just a TV show.

As you have probably heard about by now, two weeks ago at the Kentucky Derby, the second place finisher, 8 Belles, broke both ankles in a post race trot and had to be euthanized on the spot. When word got around about the happenings, PETA got on the horn and started spewing blame at everyone. The jockey was to be fined and fired. The trainer was to be held responsible. The entire horse racing industry is immoral. Please.
This was a fluke accident that could have happened to any horse at any time in any place. In our society, we are so quick to want to assign blame for everything, because that's what makes news and that's what people seem to want. Its like if a kid holding a baseball bat in the batter's box gets struck by lightning, and people want to blame the coach, the parents, and the baseball bat company for not making a more lightning-friendly bat for the kid to hold. This is sickening and PETA needs to go away. These horses get treated better than a majority of human beings do and they need to stop taking one incident and extrapolating it for the entire horse racing and training industry. Just stick to dealing with some lady who has 400 cats in her 1 bedroom apartment or Michael Vick's ignant ass, and leave the rest of us alone.

On a side tangent, horse racing in general sucks and the only people who care about it are the 80 or so people that actually raise horses. And no, the millions of people who bet on the Kentucky Derby and other horse races don't count. Just don't inform my current employer that I just said that.



Lastly, I came across a story earlier that made me do a double take. Clay Buchholz, a young pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, who just got lit up by our favorite club only a few days ago, was put on the Disabled List with a broken fingernail. Yep, I said it. A broken fingernail. Now, I've heard of some really comical injuries over the years in major league baseball, like pitchers having tired arms or Sammy Sosa throwing out his back during a sneeze, but this is absolutely unbelievable. Words couldn't describe the laugh that came out of my mouth after seeing this roll across the ESPN Bottom Line. What's next? A Yankees pitcher goes down for 6 weeks with an allergic reaction to a tampon? Or maybe, the oft-injured Rich Harden's next injury could be cornea strain caused by make up run-off. I don't know what the next one will be for sure, but I just don't want anyone to tell Joe Mauer about this story, because then he might conjure up a reason to sit out night games after night games, instead of just day games after night games, like usual.