In Theaters Tomorrow… And Monday… And Tuesday

Alright ladies and jerk faces, sorry about the tardiness of weekly movie previews, but damn sometimes a brutha got some stuff to take care of. I gonna touch base on two films coming out on Friday June 28^th (probably today by the time I finish writing this), and two that come out in time for the 4^th of July. The First two are RATATOUILLE the new animated Pixar film about a rat with aspirations of becoming a world famous chef and Michael Moore’s documentary SICKO about the American heath system. Coming out on Monday is the film that I think will break all of the box office records, TRANSFORMERS… I’m so excited I just shat a transforming nugget of joy. On Tuesday LICENSE TO WED drops and will most likely make you think that the dude from “The Office”, Jon Krasinski, chose the wrong vehicle for his first foray into film. Ahhh, alliteration.

Not gonna lie, I dig what Pixar does. Can’t think of a film that they have made that I didn’t enjoy (though I never saw CARS). Patton Oswald voices the Main character, Remy. Patton pulls off the over obsessive nerd well and having worked in a fairly nice restaurant myself and knowing a very Oswald like chef I can defiantly see how this character will come across. To add to this I can imagine a very built upon relationship that we saw for a few moments in THE LITTLE MERMAID with Sebastian’s life in constant threat from the crazy French chef. Peter O’Toole, Janeane Garofalo and Will Arnett from “Arrested Development” also lend their voices.

Michael Moore is back and as controversial as ever with SICKO. This time Moore is taking on drug companies, HMOs and his common thread, the government. Moore went as far as to stash a copy of the finished film in Canada for fear of government interference. I always find myself agreeing with the major premises that Moore presents in his film, but sitting through them and thinking that he has an extremely manipulative way of presenting the issue. It a strange feeling to completely agree with someone and at the same time constantly say, “wait a tick, you’re going about this in the wrong way.” Health care is messed up in this country and having someone else who doesn’t even know you decide whether or not you deserve treatment or drugs or surgery is shitty, but Moore is still going to say something that I can’t agree with. I guess that’s his deal and I already know that I’ll see this film at some point in my life and I’ll take most of the information to heart.

On Monday the most anticipated movie of the summer is released and I’m going to be in the middle of Bum fork, Wisconsin attempting to get a ticket with a couple buddies of mine. Lets face it, Michael Bay is good a blowing shit up and now he is bringing one of my favorite cartoons as a child to life. Ohh, Optimus Prime you complete me, and Megatron- you always have and always will be an asshole… leave Earth alone! My boy Shia LaBeouf is back for his one-millionth film of the summer playing the grandson of the man who found Megatron and coincidentally carries the mad to an all-powerful talisman. Megan Fox plays LaBeouf’s girlfriend and give the film a bangable presence. Josh Duhamel, Tyrese and Jon Voight play the military minds in the film and Bernie Mac also manages to appear in the film. Ohh, this film is going to be the shit and it will be the reason that Bruce Willis only tops the Box office for one week.

My girlfriend Mandy Moore comes to theaters on Tuesday with LICENSE TO WED. I have no faith in this film even though its got some great people in it. Robin Williams hasn’t made a good film in quite some time and I’m just not down with the romantic comedy. As I’ve stated before I love “The Office” but I’m just not sure that Jon Krasinski act is going to come off properly in this film. This film feels like a remake of MEET THE PARENTS, but its meet the priest. I don’t know, prove me wrong cause I’d like to have this cast click, but it just doesn’t feel right.

#1 this week will be LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD and #1 for next week will be TRANSFORMERS. Make the rest of the box office yourself. I’m going to bed.

P.S. I’m taking off for Chicago and then Wisconsin this week so this is going to be my last post for a while. Lobby the comments section of this post and maybe you can get Neubie to wax philosophical on the new ball players from Florida or get Bez to preach pitching and a young man by the name of Garza.

In Theaters Tomorrow???

As I said earlier this week LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD is opening tomorrow (Wed. June 27^th) So I figured that I’d give it it’s own special write to go along with the special place I hold in my heart for Bruce Willis films. He is the only 80’s action hero that I accept as an actual actor. Stalone and Shwartzenegger? They have two things in common: steroids and mumbling. At least Arnold is from a different country, Sly. Segal? You’re not Native American dude! And stop hanging out with rappers, I have more street cred than you. Van Damme? I’m a little uncomfortable with a man who does the splits and has a French accent. Chuck Norris? We don’t talk bad about Chuck Norris; he puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter.”

Bruce Willis doesn’t exactly have range, but compared to the others he is Johnny freakin Depp or Philip Seymour Hoffman. I like that he takes bit parts in comedies, or other films that allow him to experiment more. Willis chooses main characters that don’t stray too far from who he actually is. I’m not saying that Willis runs around blowing shit up on a daily basis but he seems like a surly, cocky, fun guy to hang out with. John McClane is my all-time favorite action hero because he doesn’t quite fit the bill. He’s an alcoholic who smokes and swears and curses god for making him get up that day to annihilate and entire group of German bad guys or in the latest film’s case an internet based terrorist group.

I pretty sure that description of the terrorist group was the closest thing we’ll need to a plot description. They try to shut down banks or power grids or something along those lines and McClane blows shit up and says “Yippie Kay Yay, Motherfucker” (which is way better than those cheesy action lines that usually involve some stupid pun). Justin Long (WAITING…, DODGEBALL) plays a friendly hacker who McClane has to transport from one end of Manhatten to the other when the mayhem begins. Kevin Smith is in the film too, and his character’s name is Warlock so I’m guessing that he is some sort of hacker as well. Deadwood’s Timothy Olyphant plays the bad guy, which I don’t really see, but he is supposed to be a computer nerd so I guess I’ll survive. That lovely lady on the left above is Maggie Q. She is officially on the radar and probably would have been sooner if I hadn’t decided to boycott Tom Cruise about two years ago. Q was in MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III and will be in the upcoming BALLS OF FURY which sounds stupid, but has Patten Oswalt and Christopher Walken.

I’ll finish this on Thursday with info on the films that won’t be #1 at the box office.

Does Anyone See What This Guy is Doing??

I know, I know. Everyone in Minnesota is automatically supposed to hate the Yankees. The Evil Empire. Everything the Twins aren't, basically. I also get the everyone is supposed to hate Alex Rodriguez as well. Being the highest paid player in the league, it just comes with the territory. So why am I writing something about a player so loathed that he gets booed regularly at his home ballpark?? Well, while everyone in baseball has been captivated on the Barry Bonds home run chase or (yawn) the steroids investigation, I don't think people have really come to appreciate exactly whats been going on in the Bronx. Now, you might say... What the hell is this kid talking about? Everyone knows that ESPN pimps the Yankees everyday of every week. Whether its the Clemens travesty or them being 3 games under .500, etc,etc, etc.. Trust me, I've almost had enough too..

Little has been made though of exactly what A-Rod is accomplishing. If you take a look at his stats, I dont see how you can't like this guy, even with everything I stated earlier. One of the most dependable players over the span of his 13 year major league career, Rodriguez has been the model of consistency over that span. This year has been no different. In April, he only hit .360 and only a 6 game drought at the end of the month prevented him from breaking the record for the most home runs in April, ever, with 14. This year he has by far been the best player in the Majors, compiling 28 home runs and 77 RBI, not to mention hitting .333. A serious Triple Crown threat. He is as locked in as Barry Bonds was during the 2001 season, and thats scary. All this while also playing Gold Glove defense at Third base.

Aside from this year, though, the historical perspective that A-Rod is approaching needs to be touched on also. Before the age of 32, he has amassed 492 home runs. 492 Home runs! Frank Thomas can barely walk and is just now getting to 500 homers. Rafael Palmero apparently juice up for years, and just made it to 500. Before he turns 32 on July 27th, Arod will have hit his 500th, making him the youngest player to accomplish that milestone, beating Jimmie Foxx by 10 months, or more than a full season sooner. I feel like no one is even taking notice to how unbelievable this is.
While people have been consumed lately with all the negativity surrounding baseball and the "steroid Era", they may have overlooked that we may be witnessing the best baseball player ever... And yes, Im not crazy when I say, EVER. How can you not like a player like that?

Thinking long term, if Alex plays until he is 40 years old and taking into account his average number of 41 home runs hit per full major league season, he will have hit more than 850 home runs in his career! That will obviously shatter the current home run mark soon to be Barry Bonds'. Thats assuming, too, that he only plays until hes 40. I think he could actually go longer considering that over his entire career hes been so durable that he hasn't played in less than 129 games in any season... and that was only one year. The rest of the years have hovered around 150 or so... Maybe around age 40 he moves to DH to save his body.

And forget about any steroids bullshit to cop out on.. Since coming into the majors, he has done almost anything to help his team win. His first year in the league, he hit .360. One year, along with hitting 42 home runs, he also stole 46 bases. Not to mention that he has now hit 35+ homers for 10.. wait, 11 straight years. There has been no spike in production like you have seen with others. Just a natural progression of a great ball player.


I know that he might have his slight drawbacks from time to time that might make it easy for some people to dislike him. His shenanigans in Toronto a month ago were a little bush league. And, I meant his shenanigans ON the baseball field.



There was that incident with the very boob-a-licious stripper while in Toronto too. Lets be honest though, who hasn't wanted to bang a hot stripper at one point or another in their life??

But aside from all that, one has to appreciate what we get to watch. The best offensive player in the game is also one of its better defensive players too. ARod can opt out of his contract at the end of this year and become a free agent. Even though hes making 22 million this year and more next year, I do believe he will opt out and test the market. The people in New York have never appreciated him and never will. There will be so many teams salivating at the chance to sign him, and if this year is any preview of things to come, he will make comparable money as well. A Rod is already a two-time MVP and will add another one by the time this year is done. Its time for people to weed through all the somewhat negative, and start to really appreciate just how good this guy is..

Next Time I Run Into Paul McCartney He’s Getting a Punch in the Nose.

I don’t care if the man was in one of the most important and influential bands ever. I don’t care that he is 64. I don’t care that he has been knighted or that he probably has an entourage about the size of my hometown. I’m going to walk up to him in the men’s bathroom a la HUSTLE & FLOW and make him pay, but I’m not going to try and give him my music because I don’t force other people to listen to shitty music.

Why am I going to do this? Good question.

I work for Starbucks and he recently singed a deal with their Hear Music label. When he released an album on June 5^th Starbucks thought it would be a good idea to force everybody who wanted a cup of Joe to listen to the new album… and only that album. They called it a “Global Listening Event”. I call it terrorism. I worked for seven hours and that CD has all of 13 short songs on it. I listen to the album about 8 times that day before attempting to pour scalding milk into my ears to dull the pain. The man plays Ukulele, yodels and whistles (horribly) on his newest album and I think all of that stuff sucks. A lot.

I hear those shitty songs every time I work. When I go home to shower and get rid of the yucky feeling Sir Paul has left me with I usually sit down and veg out in front of the TV for a while. Now I’m being bombarded with ITunes commercials featuring a 60 some year-old man in sneakers skipping and whistling. Dammit, Paul! Go away. I hope that one legged wife of yours robs you blind. Please watch the video at your own risk.

Get ready to bleed old man.

Punch-Out!! The Movie

I can't tell you how many hours I've wasted trying to beat this game. I always played the Mike Tyson version. I could always get to Tyson, but once he bit Mac's ear off the little guy was down for the count. In fact, I just realized that one of my friends has the majority of my Nintendo games. That bastard is moving, I gotta get those back.

Considering all of the other crap Hollywood throws our way I'd rather see this than another Jamie Kennedy disaster or a Larry The Cable Guy atrocity. Speaking of films LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD comes out on Wednesday so I'll have to bring a very special Bruce Willis edition of In Theaters Tomorrow...

Satan, Lend Me a Dollar

I discovered this song while watching "Weeds" and decided to post it. This is for JayBear, who enjoys my musical stylings even when they involve the devil, candy or even drunk pianos.

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are three films coming out tomorrow and I’m not so sure I have faith in any of them. John Cusack and Samuel L. “mutha’ fuckin’” Jackson spend approximately 2 hours in or around a very scary room. Please use an Elmer Fudd accent when saying the last three words of the previous sentence. Steve Carell tries to cash in on a bit part he did prior to his quality roles that he is known and loved for. Brad Pitt produces and Angelina Jolie stars in a film about the life and death of journalist Daniel Pearl.

1408 is based on a Stephen King book by the same name, which I have never read. Stephen king’s work when translated onto film can either be very good (THE SHINNING, THE GREEN MILE, SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION) or terrible (SECRET WINDOW, DREAMCATCHER) Did you know he wrote THE RUNNING MAN? Crazy. John Cusack plays a man who spends time in “haunted” rooms and then writes about how nothing happened… until the Dolphin Hotel. I dig Sam and I also really like Cusack, plus they cast Tony Shalhoub so I hope that the film is good. King says that he is very happy with the trailer and that it really reminds him of THE SHINNING, but is it good or bad if the writer praises the trailer?

EVAN ALMIGHTY picks up a few years after Jim Carrey made Jennifer Aniston’s breasts bigger. Evan Baxter (Steve Carell) is now in politics and was recently elected to congress. Morgan Freeman comes down from heaven and tells the congressman to build an Ark a la Noah. Hilarity ensues. I think. Chances that the moral of the story include something about the environment and global warming? Probably pretty good. It sounds like Universal spent way too much on this film (visual effects, big ass boat, probably some water) but that is neither here nor there. Lets hope that Carell, Wanda Sykes, Molly Shannon and John Goodman can make me laugh and forget that I’m watching the sequel to a film that only slightly entertained me one day.

A MIGHTY HEART is the film with the smallest release and the one that will either be great or make you say, “What were they thinking?” This film is based on a true story that happened not too long ago, but may have escaped your memory. Daniel Pearl was a journalist who was abducted back in 2002 while in Pakistan trying to do a story on Richard “ I got a bomb in my shoe” Reed. Pearl was the journalist who had his beheading released on the Internet. The film’s story focuses more on his wife Mariane’s attempt to locate her husband between the time of his abduction and the time of his death. The film was shot guerilla style in India, sometimes using the crowd that follows Pitt and Jolie everywhere as a backdrop for the media that followed Pearl’s wife around as she searched for her father and Jolie and Mariane are friends so this was made with her blessing and her guidance. The major problem I have with the film is that Jolie is white and Mariane is of mixed race, why wasn’t someone like a Thandie Newton given a chance to play this part. Beautiful people get Oscar noms for uglying up and Jolie switches race when it suits her. I feel Jolie, who act like Mother Theresa if she had slept with everybody, should have sat back, helped produce and let a different actress play this part.

Box office should look like this- 1. EVAN AMLIGHTY (with a little help from the big guy) 2. FANTASTIC 4 Numero dos 3.OCEAN’S 13 4. KNOCKED UP 5. SURF’S UP