Fuck You NBA and Possibly Fox Sports Net Too

Today during one of the first 28 Home runs that Josh Hamilton hit I realized that tonight was the Wolves first summer league game. Then Bez informed me that I could watch the game for free on NBA.com as IT WOULD NOT BE BROADCAST IN THE TWIN CITIES.

After signing up for the service and telling them the truth about who I am and where I'm from I was informed that:

This live webcast is not available in your area. Please check your local tv listings for broadcast info on this game.

Uhh, Fuck you NBA. Who in their right minds wants to watch a shittier version of the wolves except for maybe me and 3 other dudes? And who told you that this game was being broadcast somewhere where it was definitely not. All I want to do is take a look at what Kevin Love can do against bad compatition and get a feel for who our next back-up PG is going to be. (I'm afraid Bassy is so gonzo that even Hunter S. Thompson can't understand)

What can I watch instead of my beloved and shitty Wolves? O.J. fucking Mayo and the Memphis Grizzlies play the Fake Lakers. Thats some shitty shit, man. Did you plan this? Are you mocking me assholes? Whats the deal with letting me watch the player I wanted play for the wrong team but not the right team with the wrong player?
I hate everyone responsible for what occured tonight. I even tried to pretend I was from Idaho even though I knew it was a feutal attempt to see my team.

P.S. Kevin Love had 16 pts and 11 rebounds last time I looked which doesn't mean shit.

P.P.S. Amazingly Justin Morneau won the home run derby by some loophole in the rules where the man with the best proformance doesn't always get to win. Congratulations of the money and the car if you got one, but we both know Hamilton got robbed. He put on a crazy show that put my jaw on the floor for what felt like a good half hour.

Tales From Behind The Bars

It's always unfortunate when sports and prison intertwine. It's also inevitable. Like Big Poppa said, "Mo Money, Mo problems." Today there are two Minnesota sports/jail stories. Both are no surprise, but sad none the less.

Isaiah "J.R." Rider, inventor of the east bay funk dunk and 5th overall pick by the Minnesota Timberwolves in the 1993 draft is once again in jail. This time he is accused of auto theft after being arrested early Saturday morning in the skid row district of Los Angeles. He has since been released on bail to await trial.

Rider has had a history of law trouble that dates back to his college days when he was arrested for throwing a milkshake through the drive-through window of a Jack-in-the-box. During the 95-96 season Rider was convicted of 5th degree assault after kicking the manager of a sports bar. Rider had a few more brushes with the law during his playing years, none worse than possession of Marijuana and possession of an illegal cell phone, but once his career was over the real trouble started. In January of 2006 he was charged with kidnapping and domestic assault. In February of 2007 he plead guilty to felony cocaine possession and evading an officer. In January of this year Rider was charged with unlawful Firearm possession after getting into an argument with a taxi driver.

The other sports related jailing is not about an actual athlete. Souksangouane Phengsene was jailed Sunday night for suspicion of DWI. Most people don't remember that name, let alone have the skill to properly pronounce it, but Phengsene was the man who killed Malik Sealy in 2000 on his way home from Kevin Garnett's birthday party. Souk was drunk that night as well and was charged with criminal vehicular homicide. When he crashed into Sealy Phengsene was driving the wrong way down highway 100.

In 1997 he was charged with drunken driving in Des Moines and again in 2006 in Crystal. Unfortunately, since he plead guilty to vehicular homicide and not DWI in the Sealy crash the 2006 charge was not enhanced. Hopefully the judge will take a good long look at this man's driving record, throw him in jail for a while and rip up his license forever.

Sell the Team you F-ing Headcase

I am done with Glen Taylor. I vow to never go to a game or purchase Wolves gear while he owns the team. I've always thought that Taylor had a screw loose but the comments he made yesterday have cemented that opinion. K.G. tanked the season? That man has the heart of a lion, his pride wouldn't allow him to tank even a single game. If he lost his leg in some freak accident he'd be out on the floor on crutches and still dominate on D. Just a couple days ago I saw him bashing the ball against his head for missing the first free throw. Thats not something new, that not something he picked up in Boston... he transformed their team with his competitive spirit, turned them into a defensive machine.

K.G. never worried about draft position, thats something that owners and VPs of basketball operations worry about. I think my 5 year old neighbor has more basketball knowledge, and shes a baseball kind of girl. First with the stupid handshake agreement that ruins my life every summer, then the Joe Smith debacle, then firing Flip, then Dwayne Casey now badmouthing the best player ever to wear your uniform? And on the day he took down the second longest consecutive win streak in the history of the NBA. Garnett doesn't want to address that situation after an important game like that. He wants to say "Luis Scola had a good game, but we knew this had to come to an end some time and we wanted to do it ourselves," or, "Powe played great tonight, this was a playoff atmosphere type game against the best team in the west and he stepped up, we all stepped up," not, "That's not my character. I'll let him speak if he wants to."

Get off my team, Taylor. You are quickly becoming the bane of my existence. Go ruin a team in another state.

Guess Who Still Sucks at Stuff

Its Troy Hudson. Golden State agreed. When the Warriors decided to clear a spot on the bench for Chris Webber they chose the dreaded one's spot. Its cool though, cause now he has time to work on his rap career.

Straight outta Carbondale, UHHH!

Guess who's not affraid to kick the crap out of a little kid?

This guy.

24

That number seems a little inflated, but I'll take it. Don't cross me worlds population of 5 year olds. I will use one of you as a club to injure the others. That goes for you too little people. I see you standing there, waiting for your opportunity to attack. Its not gonna happen to this guy. I underestimate nobody.

This Man has Balls of Steel

Wachovia, Brinks and The FBI will never live down a robbery for so much money that happened on Pennsylvania Avenue. This is D.B. Cooper type shit!

If this dude ends up in jail he will automatically be made king of the miscreants. They will bow to him and throw cigarettes at his feet. He will have the power to stop and start riots with the snap of his fingers.

He will be carried from place to place by the lesser criminals and they will ask his advice about various acts of villainy. Nasty Nate will give him his cocktail fruit, and squirrel master will gladly run security for the man.

The FBI will probably hire him to think of other innovative ways to rob a bank in order to not be shamed this way in the future.

If only I could get away with something so glorious.

Get Off My Team

The season is over for the Minnesota Vikings and now its time for the coaching staff evaluate each of the players and make some decisions about who should stay and who should go. As a professional know nothing I've decided to do my own evaluating. The Star Tribune has a list of all the Vikings free agents which could come in handy for those of you following along.

The first person I want off my team is TROY WILLIAMSON. I've seen blind guys with better hands than this waste of space... I'm so glad we traded the best wide receiver still playing for Williamson and Napoleon Harris cause that totally worked in our favor. Red McCombs is getting a shank in the side if I ever run into him. Robert Ferguson is a free agent and though I'm not a huge fan of Ferguson I'd rather resign him and drop Williamson and look for an actual number one receiver. Free agents to look into are Andre Davis, Bernard Berrian, that's about it since Patrick Crayton signed his contract.


Up next is Brooks Bollinger and Kelly Holcomb. I want them both gone, I want someone who can actually compete with Tarvaris Jackson for the number one spot (Quinn Gray? Cleo "Fucking" Lemon?) and I want to use a fourth - Sixth round pick on a QB. Lets draft our own Tom Brady or Tony Romo.
Dwight Smith must also leave. he can't tackle Clinton Portis, he can't keep his thing in his pants and he can't wait until the offseason to smoke copious amounts of ganja. Take note current Vikings players the off season and the comfort of your own home is the ideal place to get high. I don't care if it helps with pain, its against the law for some reason and we can't be busting players out of jail on Saturday nights so they can play the next morning. Re-sign Tank Williams and get another safety through the draft or try to pick up someone like Gibril Wilson

Ryan Cook. God Damn Retard.
Erasmus James. Play a game. 5 sacks and 30 tackles in 23 games is no good and he's played 8 games in the last two seasons. I hate the fact that Childress favors James above Ray Edwards and Brian Robinson.

People I will miss.
Meweldi Moore is almost certainly gone, but I think hes one hell of a football player who found himself in an unfavorable position.
Spencer Johnson will most likely find a new home this off season but he is the man that gives the Willaims boys breaks without anybody noticing it.

A letter to T-Hud

Listen, guy, you, I and everyone else who still holds some allegiance to the horrible basketball team known as the Minnesota Timberwolves know that you are not worth the 9 million or so that the team is offering you to leave. The fact that you feel that this offer is too low is ludicrous, Mr. Hudson. The writers of Forbes are among the only people who could ever agree that you are worth the contract you were given, and the world may never know why that is. Congratulations on becoming one of the many veterans to convince Kevin McHale to give you far too much money. Your name goes along side those of Joe Smith (twice), Michael Olowakandi, Mike James and Marko Jaric as the worst contracts in the Kevin Garnett era.

The world knows that once “freed” from this place you will serve as the back up to the back up on some basketball team with an equally pessimistic fan-base and no future playoff contention in sight. Do you know why? You are a cancer and believe yourself to be better than you actually are. Did Mr. McHale’s contract actually make you believe that you could play ball? I once saw the man tip his taxi driver $1,000 for knowing how to drive. He gave the doorman a five-year contract extension to a building in which he did not own, let alone live in.

I implore you to give up you shitty basketball career and embark on your new, equally shitty rap career (Via RandBall). Maybe you can convince Ron Artest or Ludacris to give you a 5 record deal based on the street cred that you gained growing up on the mean streets of Carbondale, Illinois. That is if you don’t come down with a bad case of bronchitis that prevents you from putting together those final 4 albums. (If you feel that this may be in your future you may not want to sign with Artest I heard he’ll be taking the Suge Knight approach to recording).

Take the money and run. You are the bane of my existence as a Wolves fan, Troy Hudson.

Sincerely.

Muck

7/31 UPDATE: I just found out that Hudson's Album sold all of 78 copies in its debut weekend. Wanna see THUD at work? here is a link with a video

Next Time I Run Into Paul McCartney He’s Getting a Punch in the Nose.

I don’t care if the man was in one of the most important and influential bands ever. I don’t care that he is 64. I don’t care that he has been knighted or that he probably has an entourage about the size of my hometown. I’m going to walk up to him in the men’s bathroom a la HUSTLE & FLOW and make him pay, but I’m not going to try and give him my music because I don’t force other people to listen to shitty music.

Why am I going to do this? Good question.

I work for Starbucks and he recently singed a deal with their Hear Music label. When he released an album on June 5^th Starbucks thought it would be a good idea to force everybody who wanted a cup of Joe to listen to the new album… and only that album. They called it a “Global Listening Event”. I call it terrorism. I worked for seven hours and that CD has all of 13 short songs on it. I listen to the album about 8 times that day before attempting to pour scalding milk into my ears to dull the pain. The man plays Ukulele, yodels and whistles (horribly) on his newest album and I think all of that stuff sucks. A lot.

I hear those shitty songs every time I work. When I go home to shower and get rid of the yucky feeling Sir Paul has left me with I usually sit down and veg out in front of the TV for a while. Now I’m being bombarded with ITunes commercials featuring a 60 some year-old man in sneakers skipping and whistling. Dammit, Paul! Go away. I hope that one legged wife of yours robs you blind. Please watch the video at your own risk.

Get ready to bleed old man.