Fuck You NBA and Possibly Fox Sports Net Too

Today during one of the first 28 Home runs that Josh Hamilton hit I realized that tonight was the Wolves first summer league game. Then Bez informed me that I could watch the game for free on NBA.com as IT WOULD NOT BE BROADCAST IN THE TWIN CITIES.

After signing up for the service and telling them the truth about who I am and where I'm from I was informed that:

This live webcast is not available in your area. Please check your local tv listings for broadcast info on this game.

Uhh, Fuck you NBA. Who in their right minds wants to watch a shittier version of the wolves except for maybe me and 3 other dudes? And who told you that this game was being broadcast somewhere where it was definitely not. All I want to do is take a look at what Kevin Love can do against bad compatition and get a feel for who our next back-up PG is going to be. (I'm afraid Bassy is so gonzo that even Hunter S. Thompson can't understand)

What can I watch instead of my beloved and shitty Wolves? O.J. fucking Mayo and the Memphis Grizzlies play the Fake Lakers. Thats some shitty shit, man. Did you plan this? Are you mocking me assholes? Whats the deal with letting me watch the player I wanted play for the wrong team but not the right team with the wrong player?
I hate everyone responsible for what occured tonight. I even tried to pretend I was from Idaho even though I knew it was a feutal attempt to see my team.

P.S. Kevin Love had 16 pts and 11 rebounds last time I looked which doesn't mean shit.

P.P.S. Amazingly Justin Morneau won the home run derby by some loophole in the rules where the man with the best proformance doesn't always get to win. Congratulations of the money and the car if you got one, but we both know Hamilton got robbed. He put on a crazy show that put my jaw on the floor for what felt like a good half hour.

Wolves Might Lose Fewer Games in the Future

Randy Foye has been cleared to work out.

I know that doesn't matter because the team is a steaming pile of shit being lead by three blind men with a cumulative IQ of 42, but I've wanted to see what this team was supposed to look like all season. Foye stated earlier this year that he felt he would be ready to about 5 games after given the go ahead. That would place his return on the 18th or 19th of December against Phoenix of Denver. My guess is that he will take longer than that to get back into game form and would only have a minimal role for the first few games back seeing as the team has a snowballs chance in hell of doing anything but accumulating the most ping pong balls for that crazy lottery that should only take 5 minutes but ESPN stretches out into an hour.

Foye has been out all season with a stress reaction- that's jibba jabba for a few millimeters from needing micro fracture surgery. That's a bunch of bullshit Randy, I remember this great runningback who tore a ligament in in his knee and hit the ground running two games later. His knee Randy! Runningbacks need their knees just as badly as point guards. You're not even a real point guard, the three headed beast just shoved you into that role.

I'm just playin'. It'll be good to possibly win 2 games a month instead of the 1 that we have become so accustomed to. We might even be able to challenge the Heat, Knicks and Supersonics on a semi-regular basis. Watch out world, here come the T-Wolves!

On a quasi-related note Bracey Wright is averaging 15.5 points, 2.8 rebounds, 1.7 assists, 1 steal and just under a steal in 30 minutes for Aris TT Bank in Greece. The team has a 6-4 record and have 4 more games to go in the regular season. I have no clue how basketball works in Europe but there are three different groups so I think its like soccer and goes on forever as long as they keep on winning.

It might be time for the Triple B- BRING BRACEY BACK. I wouldn't be surprised if we don't see Theo Ratliff again this year and thought there is no place for him on the team it wouldn't really matter as long as someone can stand on the court for a couple of minutes while we get beat.

KG Looks Weird in Green

I couldn't find any video of the game that took place between our Timber Wolves and The Boston Celtics but here is a highlight of the Celtics first game featuring the "Big Three"... individually known as Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen.

Ray Allen did most of the scoring (28 Pts). My Favorite Timberwolf (I will continue to call him this regardless of jersey) had 9pts, 6 rebs,2asts, 3 blocks. Ricky Davis was the high scorer for the T-wolves which angers me as he is probably my least favorite player on a team full of players that I don't even know.

The former Celtics did ok; Bassy had 9pts and 3 asts, Ratlif had 6pts and 2 blocks,Gomes had 9pts and 4 rebs, Green had 4 pts and the most interesting piece we got in return had 5 pts, 2 blocks and 6 rebs in the 92-81 loss in London.

Rashad McCants had 11 points and 4 rebounds which hopefully means that his knees are back at 100%. Randy Foye, however, had no points in 8 minutes. Hopefully they just wanted to start figuring out the backup PG position and he isn't injured.

Get ready for a lot of losses this year. Hopefully this team can still put an exciting product on the court.

P.S. I'm going to miss Trenton Hassell.

Butts to do 3 years for TP

I was on my way to work yesterday and listening to MPR like usual when an off the wall story came screaming out of the radio, bounced around my skull for a tick or two and came to a screeching halt. In Marshalltown Iowa a woman by the name of Suzanne Marie Butts has been charged with stealing toilet paper out of the local courthouse (this is going to NOTY for sure). The 38 year old woman was caught brown handed with 3 rolls by an employee last week and now faces three years in prison.

On Friday (the 8^th, I’m guessing) Butts was charged with stealing $30 from a family member. The $30 was Butts’ 3^rd theft charge and the plundered toilet paper was her fourth making her eligible for conviction under the state’s habitual offender law. That is one year per single ply bottom shelf sandpaper make your ass bleed government TP roll. When the authorities caught up with her in the parking lot she attempted to hide them under her shirt. Wow, ain’t that some shit?

Pic from GastroGirl.

San Antonio Will Win The Finals

Don’t worry Cavs fans, the only reason I said that was because I’ve noticed that any definitive statement I am forced to eat my words (here and here). The Cavs are the team I want to win, along with everyone not living in Texas, and I honestly think they have a good shot. The Cavs are absolutely nothing special without LeBron and people have been ragging on him since he entered the league about everything from free throw percentage to his ability to put up the last second shot.

That last second shot argument has always bothered me. People argue that he has been in the league for 4 years and still has troubles taking that shot. I say its because he dominated in high school and there was never any real need for that type of shot… the kid spent his high school years dominating everyone who attempted to play ball against him. When March madness rolls around who usually takes the last shot for a team? It’s the upperclassmen who have felt this pressure before. LaBron’s entry into the NBA was a baptism by fire, and he did way better than any high-schooled before him. KG may always pass up on the final shot but LeBron won’t have a problem after his best playoff performance yet.

It seems to me that LeBron figured out that he has to take control of the game and that he doesn’t have Scottie Pippen, B.J. Armstrong, Horace Grant, Kerr and Paxson. LeBron has the human equivalent of peanut brittle in Larry Hughes, a rookie who calls himself Boobie (come on ladies- lets make some interesting shirts) and Sideshow Bob Anderson Varejao. Lebron’s supporting cast is more like the supporting cast of a screwball comedy and I think he is beginning to realize this. This is why he knocked down the final two free throws in game 4 while laughing in the face of his critics. This is why he returned in game 5 with two dunks in the last 30 seconds to tie it up and followed those up with the rest of the team’s points in the two subsequent overtimes.

I truly believe that whatever sparked LeBron to a series win over Detroit saved the NBA finals. I know that I personally didn’t want to watch a Spurs/Pistons series. That sounds like the time I walked into the voting booth and got to choose between Bush and Kerry… both seemed like bad options. I only hope that LeBron can summon the force once more and defeat the darkside of the NBA. Look, I found some evidence… Its Pop and Palp.

ESPN wastes my time: Oden to Blazers

So the NBA lottery has always bothered me and it continues to this day. I’m pissed that ESPN has wasted a half hour of my life knowing full well that they have already told me the same information for the last week. They do this on purpose; make me keep checking back to see if the information has been released. They pretend like this is something special… In reality they probably should have released the draft order at halftime of the game. They introduce a bunch of people I don’t really care about and who will not make a decision for another month. On top of all of this they allow David Stern to beam about the Spurs and Tim Duncan in particular while defending his decision to tank the Sun’s season.

The teams that actually need/ deserve the # 1 pick don’t get it. Milwaukee won it a few years back. Duncan was picked up the one season that David Robinson went down. I recall this one time my favorite basketball team had the worst record with one Mr. O’Neal and one Mr. Mourning in the draft. Who do the Wolves end up with? Christian Laettner… A Duke player. Do me a favor and start naming all of the Duke players that led their NBA team to a championship. Now do it with Tar Heels.

As expected Memphis and the Celtics both got the shaft. You’d think that Stern would have rigged the thing in favor of a team like Boston with such a rich history, but he probably read that thing that John Mellencamp said and decided that he would punish Larry Bird along with Kevin McHale by not giving them the # 1 pick. Actually, I consider staying at #7 a victory. I was sure we would have been kicked back to # 10. The shitty part is that we now have Greg Oden in our division on a team that will be very scary by the time the Wolves consider offering contracts to worthy players (if that ever happens). On top of that the Sonics pick second so Kevin Durant will be in our division as well. Welcome to the basement Minnesota.

The Wolves need to pick up a center or a big guy. I want Roy Hibbert. I’d like to have Al Horford, but he’ll be gone. Neubie’s head would explode if we picked up Joakim Noah and I’ve always wanted to see what that looked like… so I’d be ok with that pick (for a day or two). The Wolves will pick up Yi Jianlian because he is the Asian Mark Blount and if McHale is going to go big he is going to find a way to blow it anyway. I hate my favorite basketball team.

On a side note- does anyone else see the parallels between Noah and A.J. Pierzynski?

LUNCH BREAK: Safe At Home Edition

In the past a road trip by one of the writers on this site would have been accompanied by photo like the one above, but nowhere near as sexy. If I have time later this week I may elaborate on the art of a CD case as a projectile. Until then stare a Sarah Silverman for a while and click on some of the links below.

Is your baseball team getting what it paid for?

A Fan’s View from Section 220 tells Twins fans that 2 out of three ain’t bad, but it’s not time to rejoice yet. Also, Dick Bremer can predict the future.

10,000 Takes has found the world’s tallest (and worst) Baseball player ever.

KG for Shawn Marion? I’m willing to entertain that idea.

Roger Goodell’s NFL is Bass ackwards. Did they make Adrian Peterson do this?

The Wild plan on holding onto Backstrom (via 10000 takes)

Chipper Jones hates inter league baseball and Ozzie Guillen has anger issues.

Free Darko hates on the Spurs and gives us a James White video… I consider that a double bonus.

At this point I’d rather read about NCAA basketball than watch the eventual defeats of the Cavs and Jazz.

It Was Fun While It Lasted....

The NBA playoffs provide all sorts of intriguing story lines for us to follow. Whether its D-Wade's coming out party last year, Robert Horry being in every single playoffs(ever!), and even Raja Bell clotheslining Kobe's Ass last year. This year has been no different so far.

The most intriguing storyline this year has been the Golden State Warriors. A team barely alive at the All Star Break, making a second half charge and making the playoffs on the last day of the regular season. Their reward for such a strong push, the 67 win Dallas Mavericks, a team that ran ruck shaw through the rest of the NBA during the season, amassing three 12+ game winning streaks including a stretch where they won 34 of 36 games. THANKS! The Warriors didn't seem to mind though, as the laid the wood to the Mavericks in a 4-1 dominating series win.


The Warriors became the best feel good story in sports overnight. But alas, as we have heard before, all good things must come to an end. This story is no different.
After a third loss in four games against the Utah Jazz, the Warriors are brought to the brink of elimination. Although they are, along with the Phoenix Suns, by far the most fun squad to watch, they have several faults which have been brutally exposed in this series. They have learned the hard way the you can't win in the NBA playoffs when you can't rebound and you can barely defend, aside from a couple steals every now and then. They've learned the harsh reality that you can't shoot 30+ threes in four straight games and expect to win. They've learned that this isn't open gym at Hastings High.
In watching every game of this wildly entertaining series, I've seen bad shot after bad shot after bad shot go up, some going in, but mostly not. Baron Davis, when healthy, is probably the third best point guard in the NBA and extremely exciting to watch. Jason Richardson is a great #2 scorer and again, very fun to watch. They just don't have inside help. Carlos Boozer has torn them a new asshole in this series. It seems now, that all these, flaws have finally caught up to them. And it looks like there will be no fairy tale ending.


So, now we have to come to the conclusion that we will not get to see the Mother of all playoff series', the Suns V. Warriors, and its becoming very evident that instead we are gonna be stuck with a snoozer like Spurs and Jazz. I know, personally, I will not watch a single game of this series. Its clear, that the NBA will have to deal with another Pistons/Spurs Finals and another series that will have ratings below re-runs of Fresh Prince.
Yay.. I think the Royals and Nationals are playing on Direct TV Extra Innings for interleague play... So peace..