Happy Birthday Adrian

Blasphemy!

Adrian Peterson Has More Money Than Me

The former Sooner running back and the Minnesota Vikings have agreed to terms on 6 year contract that could pay up to 40 million and guarantees 17 million. He managed to miss five practices in three days, but seeing as the Vikings have one of the more grueling camps and there are still a few concerns about Peterson’s collarbone I think everything will be just fine. Plus the world already knows that the purple people eaters won’t have a playoff bound team anyway.

The rookie running back and Chester Taylor should alleviate some pressure from Tarvaris Jackson’s first full year as our quarterback. I’d like to think of this upcoming season as one year-long lesson for Jackson, Peterson, Chad Greenway (who never played a regular season game) and the talk of training camp, Marcus McCauley. Hopefully they acquaint themselves with the league, make their mistakes, make their mark and come back the following year with a fire and couple nice additions from next year’s draft. All I can hope for is a glimpse of what the future might hold. I feel like I’ve needed to say that with all of the Minnesota teams since I was about, oh… 8. I’m getting sick of this, but Peterson feels like his name could be up there with Barry Sanders, Walter Peyton, Jim Brown and Ladanian Tomlinson by the time his career is over.

Hopefully the Vikings will be able to build a team around this young core of players, especially Peterson, and not waste talent. Will the Vikings front office have the foresight to build their team through the draft and only sign quality veterans to contracts that they actually deserve? Lord knows Kevin McHale didn’t do that for the Timber wolves and KG. I find it interesting that on the day that one sports star arrives to begin his career in Minnesota another has most likely seen his last day playing for his team.

Congratulations on your new contract Adrian. Now go earn it.

Unleashing My Inner Yogi Berra

So I’m outside on my smoke break watching the monster clouds storm the castle cloud and taking a drag off of my cigarette, hating every wonderful moment of it when I have an epiphany. I rub my recently fattened belly, which got that way after pilfering a raspberry loaf cake from the homeless via the Starbuck’s donation box, and it comes to me, ” Maybe if I stop smoking and start running I’ll stop smoking and start running.”

Genius! Why had I never thought of this before? If I stop smoking and start running, I’ll stop smoking and start running. I’d be dead sexy if I could pull this off. I’d finally have those abs that I’ve been photoshopping onto my pictures, I’d have a different kind of funny smell (maybe even a good one, I don’t know) and I could finally afford that drink I’ve been thinking about buying a lovely young lady for years. Best of all I could shout, “You’ll never catch me, coppers” and mean it!

I’m gonna try like hell to make this work, but its gonna be real hard. I’m one lazy bastard. I’ll probably have to pick up some running shoes and I just bought a pair so my thrifty side is going to tell me that this is an unnecessary purchase. I also hate being seen, I don’t want to hear, “ Hey tubby, I saw you running last Tuesday.” Stop stalking me A-hole; I don’t go around telling you what I saw last Tuesday… P.S. don’t call me tubby, its offensive. I also hate sweating; it’s unbecoming. Then there is the whole issue of smoking.

I think the last time I ran it was because I was out of cigarettes. Sometimes I don’t even know why I’ve left the house until I’m standing in line at the gas station blurting out “pack of Camel lights.” That is the epitome of an addiction. I don’t consider myself to be a heavy smoker, usually I can keep it between 3-5 when alcohol is not present, but I’m experienced. If smoking were a job I’d get it based on experience alone, no college degree necessary. I hate smoking, I’ve hated it for a good two years now, and I’ve been able to quit for a week here and there and even a month once. The problem is that after you’ve got a month in your pocket you regain your sense of smell, and when someone lights up that shit smells good.

I know that I’m going to need one to help with the other and vise versa. If I quit smoking and don’t run I’ll be a fatty fat fat and playgirl will never come knocking on my door looking for Mr. September. If I start running and don’t quit smoking I’ll never get anywhere and I’ll be a Chubby McTubster. I think I’ve made my decision. I’d like to have my taste and smell back, lose that nagging cough and most of all I’d like to bring out my inner sexy beast. I’m far too shy to approach most of the women I’m interested in and it would be fantastic if I were so fetching that they had no choice but to approach me. I’m glad I had a mind meld with the ghost of Yogi Berra today. I'll probably join the Lewis and Clark College track team.

LUNCH BREAK: A Phenom's First Start

In an attempt to woo all five of you who read this thing back after a week off we've done much Sherlock Holmsery in order to give the the best stuff that the internets has to offer. Most of it is baseball related, but Labron and a few other subjects could not be denied their rightful place in our laziest of tags. P.S. Stop making fun of my photoshop asshole.

Kevin Slowey makes his debut tonight. If you’ve been hiding under a rock La Velle E. Neil III can bring you up to speed on the phenomenal rookie.

Were super late on this one, but farewell Batgirl… We’ll see you when the kid is older.

Yesterday I wrote about the new Judd Apatow film KNOCKED UP and I stated in the past that I thought “Arrested Development” was pure genius. Today KSK showed me that the two worlds collided for one brief and beautiful moment.

Hey Kevin, can I borrow 5 dollars?

Losers, Geeks, Dorks and Freaks unite!

The Twins Junkie (and Patrick Reusse) praise Terry Ryan for opting to keep Matt Guerrier instead of “The Real Deal” J.D. Durbin.

MN Game Day has a solution for the third base problem.

Jeff Grayson has a point and I tried to argue the same thing with a friend last week to no avail… I’m gonna call that bastard up and ask him what he thought of Labron’s performance last night. Even people from Detroit acknowledged his greatness.

Brewers fans have funny way of celebrating a winning team.

The taxpayers pick up the tab for the stadium so Pohlad can use his money on a building across the street… so we can give him more money. I have a feeling that 2.8 billion dollars could easily buy us an MVP, an all-star closer, a 2 time Cy Young winner, and the best centerfielder since Kirby Puckett and Cuddy, the most under appreciated outfielder outside of Minnesota.

Read this before you go to the casino tonight.