Steve Nash - Training Day

Steve Nash is awesome. I'm sure everyone has already seen this commercial and is asking, "whats so special about this?" Well, my friends, besides the fact that Nash is a really good soccer player and rides a skateboard he also directed the commercial himself. It sounds like Nash plans to make films when he retires from basketball. He has set up his own production company to make independent films. The Arizona Republic interviewed a few people in the film world about Nash's commercial.

"The spot is like Steve Nash himself - very spontaneous,"(Chris) Lamont(Phoenix film festival president) said. "Guerrilla-style filmmaking really lends itself to the type of work. There is an improv quality, which is like his play . . . I give it a thumbs up."

I can't wait to see what he does when basketball is no longer his main focus.

(via Kotte.org via truehoop with an assist from the Arizona republic)

I AM LEGEND's Alternate Ending WAY Better

In Theaters Tomorrow… Sept. 14th

There are many films releasing this week… too many to talk about. First stricken from the list is Mr. Woodcock… you made one good decision Stifler, stop making films. Second stricken from the list is Across The Universe… a Beatles themed transatlantic love story starring a chick named Evan just doesn’t fly in my world. Third off the list is Moving McAllister… there is a reason Jon Heder films are only getting limited releases lately, and its not Mila Kunis. Fourth off the list is Dragon Wars… Love the concept and all (dragons are freakin’ sweet) but this film just screams shitty. That leaves me with 4 films to talk about.

Eastern Promises looks super good and has a stellar cast, an insanely f-ed up and brilliant director and a script written by an Oscar nominated screenwriter. Viggo Mortensen plays a Russian mobster living in London who is torn between following orders and saving an innocent nurse (Naomi Watts) who has stumbled upon a crime underworld while looking for a child surviving parent. Watts finds out that the mother who was murdered while giving birth was part of a prostitution ring set up by Mortenson’s crime family and a larger brotherhood of eastern European crime families. I know that doesn’t sound original or great but David Cronenberg and Viggo Mortenson came together for A History of Violence and Cronenberg’s other work includes Spider, The Fly and Videodrone. The man spends a lot of time putting together extremely elaborate metaphors for what is so messed up about man.

The Hunting Party is an extremely interesting and mostly true story of a handful of journalists who find the most wanted man in Bosnia after the war had been over for about 4 years… I wish it was as simple as sending a handful of journalists to Pakistan to rout out Bin Laden. Anyway, Richard Gere plays a senior member of the press showing a new guy around Bosnia with Photographer Terrence Howard. The trio takes it upon themselves to hunt down the most dangerous man in the land and in turn he seeks them out thinking they were a CIA hit squad posing as journalists. The film jumps between genres including dark comedy, drama and action. The chick from National Treasure and James Brolin also appear in the film.

In The Valley Of Elah is only out in limited release but I figured I’d mention it because Oscar season is approaching. Paul Haggis wrote a directed the film. Yeah, the same Paul Haggis that was the first ever to write two back-to-back Best picture winners (Million Dollar Baby, Crash). The film is about a father and career officer (Tommy Lee Jones) who is searching for his soldier son who has gone AWOL upon return from Iraq. He enlists the help of a sexy police detective (Charlize Theron) and his wife (Susan Sarandon). We’re 4 for 4 on Oscar winners so far, everybody knows that Oscar likes to stick with the ones he loves. (Unless you’re Marisa Tomei)

The Brave One looks a lot like last weeks Death Sentence, but with Jodie Foster instead of Kevin Bacon. (Foster was in Sommersby with Maury Chaykin, who of course was in that goddamn Where The Truth Lies… seriously who wasn’t in that damn film?) Foster is a radio host who is attacked while with her husband by three bastard-faced bastards. Her husband dies and she is traumatized by the events. She buys a gun in hopes of finding the men that killed her husband. She witnesses the murder of a clerk in a convenience store and kills the man who committed the crime. She continues the vigilante murders and soon enough a cop (Terrence Howard, again) is after the person behind the biggest story in the New York press. Can Jodie Foster kill three Bastard-faced Bastards before Terrence Howard catchers? I say it’s a five-way shootout at the end. You guess which two survive with shoulder wounds.

Honestly, I have no Idea how to draw up the box office after 3:10 To Yuma only made 14 million dollars and it biggest competition will also be its biggest pre-flop Oscar competition. #1 The Hunting Party (not my first choice though) #2 3:10 to Yuma #3 Mr. Woodcock (because too many kids will see a film because the word cock is in the title) #4 Halloween #5 The Brave One (because Jodi Foster has more pull than Viggo Mortenson)

In Theaters Tomorrow… Sept. 7th

Two out of three ain’t bad. The first film is already generating Oscar buzz and will open the floodgates for the Western to come back into fashion. The second film is an absurd and exciting action pic starring a BAMF that does not get the respect that he deserves. The third film out in wide release stars two comic actors whose work I have enjoyed but I’m not so sure that they can carry a film by themselves.

3:10 TO YUMA is a remake of a 1957 film by the same name. This one stars Christian Bale as an Arizona rancher who agrees to transfer a captured outlaw (Russell Crowe) to the train going to Yuma for trial. Guess what time the train arrives. Seriously. Guess. The two characters gain each other’s respect as they ride the trail to get to their train and face many obstacles including Crowe’s gang. Tom Cruise almost killed this film when he pulled out, but things totally get better when Tom Cruise pulls out. Peter Fonda, Ben Foster and Gretchen Mol also have parts in the film.

SHOOT ‘EM UP does not want you get its genre confused. This film looks totally wicked like a mix between CRANK and SIN CITY and SMOKIN’ ACES and anything else that is ultra violent, super fast paced and ridiculous in a good way. Clive Owen (The Bad Ass Mother F*cker previously mention) plays Mr. Smith who may or may not be a hit man but who does become a babysitter/guardian to a child that he has delivered during a gunfight. Yeah, you just read that correctly. This is one of those films that doesn’t offer too much of a plot but throws so much ammunition, car chases and explosions that you forget that films even have plots. I have faith that I won’t notice the plot holes in this film, especially when I’m busy looking at Monica Belluchi. Owen uses carrots to kill people and Paul Giamatti plays the leader of the gang that is trying to kill the child. I’m all for films that explore social issues, develop plots and characters and try to enlighten audiences but sometimes I really dig an action film that goes balls to the wall.

The last film this week looks mentally handicapped, and not in a funny way either. Will Forte (SNL, BEERFEST) Will Arnett (“Arrested Development”, BLADES OF GLORY, LETS GO TO PRISON) and Jenna Fischer (“The Office”) star in THE BROTHERS SOLOMON. The Wills play brothers who were home schooled and therefore socially inept. Their father’s dying wish was to have a grandchild so the brothers set out to get their groove on. Lee Majors, Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig (Both from SNL) also appear in the film. It will not be good.

In Theaters Tomorrow… I Mean A Couple Days Ago

This week’s (8/31) offerings at the theater are all really hit or miss. Honestly, I have no clue what is gonna be good and what is gonna be bad. Rob Zombie tries his hand at the HALLOWEEN series with a revision of its origin. Christopher Walken and the co-creators of “Reno: 911” are the only reason I scratch my head about BALLS OF FURY but at the moment I’m leaning towards thinking that it was a bad choice on both of their parts. DEATH SENTENCE is the film that I’m most stoked about this weekend; Kevin Bacon avenges his son by taking on a whole gang single handedly. The last film I’ll talk about, THE NINES, is only out in limited release but looks like an awesome film that will ultimately get lost in the fold. I’ll start with BALLS OF FURY since it came out on Wednesday.

The premise of this film is really, really stupid, but like I said before its got some pretty solid cast members. Some dude by the name of Dan Fogler plays a former ping-pong champ who is recruited by the FBI to infiltrate a sudden death ping-pong tourney. Fogler seems to have just started making bad films and somehow managed the starring role. My favorite Polish-Irish-Vietnamese lady in the world, Maggie Q, plays the sexy pong sage who will help put Fogler back into tip-top pong form. George Lopez plays the recruiting FBI agent. Christopher Walken plays evildoer Feng (he also starred in MOUSEHUNT with Maury Chaykin, who starred in WHERE THE TRUTH LIES with Kevin Bacon). Terry Crews (Everybody hates Chris), Jason Scott Lee (THE JUNGLE BOOK, DRAGON) Masi Oka (Heroes) Patton Oswald and a couple members of the Reno: 911 cast also appear in the film.

I’m always hesitant about a remake of a classic film, but Rob Zombie chose to spin his own story keeping characters and background the same. I was also worried about Zombie’s acid trip style but it seems that he has finally dropped that to focus on the story and character development. This version of the horror classic follows Michael Myers instead of Laurie Strode, though I’ve heard that Scout Taylor-Compton played the Strode character very nicely. Former wrestler Taylor Mane ( Sabertooth in the X-MEN series) plays Myers, Zombie’s hot wife Sherri Moon plays Myers’ mother and Malcolm McDowell plays the doctor who tries to warn authorities of the danger that plagues Haddonfield. McDowell was in MY LIFE SO FAR with Colin Firth who also appeared in THERE THE TRUTH LIES with Kevin Bacon.

Kevin Bacon goes ape-shit crazy in DEATH SENTENCE. Bacon plays a father and executive who snaps after his son is killed in a gang initiation and those responsible for the death are set free. He gets a hold of way too much artillery, does a horrible job shaving his head, teams up with a detective who pledges to help him and then proceeds to blow the hell out of everything in front of him. The film should look awesome and dark as the director of the film is James Wan who wrote and directed SAW. John Goodman plays the big boss man of the gang that Bacon’s character decided to destroy. All people in this film are now directly linked to Kevin Bacon.

THE NINES is a very interesting film that will only be open in limited release. John August (the writer of GO, BIG FISH, CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY and THE CORPSE BRIDE) wrote and directed this film. The film sounds like it was written in a similar style to GO and stars Ryan Reynolds (yeah, VAN WILDER) in three roles. One is a troubled actor, another a TV producer and the last is a video game designer. These three characters begin to realize that their lives are intertwined and each realizes that he will become a demigod or a “nine”. The film deals with metaphysics and that is ultimately the reason it didn’t get a wider release. I personally feel that the film sounds like something that would have come from the mind of Darrin Aronofsky but someone on IMDB who saw the film at Sundance had this to say, “John August matches Charlie Kaufman as a writer, and parallels Michel Gondry as a director.” Reynolds was in DICK with Deborah Glover who also appeared in WHERE THE TRUTH LIES (WTF?). I have a feeling that I’ll love THE NINES.

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are many choices to be made this Friday (8/24) at your local popcorn vendor. There is the action flick dropping an FBI agent in between members of the Triad and Yakuza clans in order to root out an assassin. One film follows Mr. Bean along his trip to France and eventually to the Cannes film festival. Another is a crime film starring Spanish from OLD SCHOOL. There is a film that finally allows me to link a picture of ScarJo. Another about a newspaperman looking for his big break in the industry and stumbling upon a downtrodden former boxing champ. A historical piece about a bloody massacre performed by the Mormons that is generating a lot of controversy.

We’ll start with MR. BEAN’S HOLIDAY because it should be quick. If somehow you have managed to miss out on the whole Bean thing (and it has been a while) Rowan Atkinson plays the closest thing you’ll get to a silent film character with an extremely odd disposition. The original Bean film crushed the box office in England, but I’ve never really gotten the whole thing. The film takes place almost entirely on a train in France where Bean separates a famous director from his son and gains an actress for a love interest. Willem Dafoe is the only actor whose name I recognized when looking up info on the movie.

Franc Reyes brings ILLEGAL TENDER to the big screen. The director of EMPIRE teams up with John Singleton for a film about a family that has been on the run from a crime boss for years. Rick Gonzalez (Spanish) plays Wilson De Leon jr. who has finally learned why his father was killed and why the family is constantly moving. De Leon is a college student with a promising future but his fathers past catches up with him and forces him to go after the men that killed his father. This film probably should have been released on HBO or put directly on DVD, there is nothing special about it.

The most beautiful woman on earth finally graces the screen with her presence this year in THE NANNY DIARIES. Scarlett Johannson plays Annie Braddock, a student just out of college who goes to work as a nanny for a rich NYC family after her mother pressures her to find a job in the business world. She would rather become an anthropologist and so chooses to treat the family as a case study. Laura Linney and Paul Giamatti play Mr. And Mrs. X, Alicia Keys plays Annie’s friend and Chris Evans of FANTASTIC FOUR fame plays the love interest. This film sounds like something I thought Johannson was above but she may have just wanted to work with the writers and director of AMERICAN SPLENDOR.

Jason Statham and Jet Li face off in WAR. Statham plays an FBI agent by the name of Jack Crawford who is out to track down the assassin who has killed his partner and that man’s family. Li plays the assassin, Rogue, who resurfaces to start a bloody gang war between the two most infamous Chinese gangs. I don’t expect this film to have a great script in terms of plot or dialogue but if you have ever seen a Statham film (CRANK, anything he did with Guy Richie) or even pretend to comprehend how fantastic a Jet Li fight scene is that its probably worth at least a rent… not to mention that Luis Guzman plays comic relief in the film.

Originally I thought that RESSURECTING THE CHAMP was going to be just another film that missed its target but after reading a few reviews I think that it may be worth seeing. I’m not a big fan of Josh Hartnett and I didn’t like the voice that Samuel L. Jackson chose for his character but Duane Byrge quelled my worries. Hartnett plays a sports writer looking for his big break and Jackson plays a down on his luck former contender who was believed to be dead. The story explores the relationship between sports star and reporter, father and son and what happens when all of the fame is gone. Allen Alda, Peter Coyote and Rachel Nichols costar in the film.

SEPTEMBER DAWN is a fictional retelling of the Mountain Meadows Massacre, which has been generating buzz in the form of controversy for some time now. Mormons are angry at the film for the way Brigham Young is depicted, but there are others who are angered by the film as well. The tragedy took place in Utah in 1857 and left 140 settlers dead at the hands of the Mormon people. Placed into the middle of this is a love story about a Mormon and a woman from Arkansas on her way to California. John Voight and Dean Cain are cast in the film, but I don’t believe that they are the leads; also YOUNG GUNS director Christopher Cain directed this western project.

There is also a Mockumentary about closing on a house titled CLOSING ESCROW, which stars some of the Reno 911 cast and I wont be writing about but looks better than most of the crap for the week. Another film that only gets two sentences sentence is RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR, which is about the detonation of dirty bombs in Los Angeles. It may not be a good film but it stars Rory Cochrane who played Slater in DAZED AND CONFUSED, Lucus in EMPIRE RECORDS and Freck in A SCANNER DARKLY… awesome.

Box Office goes like this #1 SUPERBAD #2 RESURECTING THE CHAMP #3 THE BOURNE ULTAMATUM #4 WAR #5 THE NANNY DIARIES

In Theaters Tomorrow…

I didn’t realize there were 5 films coming out this week (8/17) because I’ve had my SUPERBAD blinders on. Besides the film co-penned by Seth Rogan and produced by Judd Apatow there is actually a solid crop of films. Even the documentary sounds cool – KING OF KONG: A FISTFULL OF QUARTERS. Nicole Kidman and James Bond, I mean Daniel Craig, star in a Sci-Fi drama about aliens called THE INVASION. DEATH AT A FUNERAL is the English submission this week. Colin Firth and Ben Kingsley hit the screen as the Roman Empire crumbles in THE LAST LEGION. I guess I’ll start with the ones that are going to be harder to find in theaters.

As you may have deduced from the title KING OF KONG is all about the quest to become the worldwide points leader in Donkey Kong. Apparently the director, Seth Gordon, put together one hell of a film because Columbia Pictures scooped him up and set him up with the producers from LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE for his feature debut. ONLY LIVING BOY IN NEW YORK. Rolling stone had this to say about the film-

Who would have guessed that a documentary about gamers obsessed with scoring a world record at Donkey Kong would not only be roaringly funny but serve as a metaphor for the decline of Western civilization?

When a documentary makes it to the big screen it deserves to be seen… people in Hollywood are way more willing to throw money at a shitty feature than a decent documentary. Plus Donkey Kong was the baddest gorilla I ever did meet.

DEATH AT A FUNERAL is a dark screwball comedy about a dysfunctional family gathering for a funeral. The story mainly revolves around Daniel who must deal with his famous novelist brother, doubts about his marriage, a cousin who’s normally straight laced fiancé has accidentally ingested a “designer drug” and a blackmailer who threatens to divulge a dark family secret. Guess who the director is. Seriously, guess. Ok, give up cause you’re never going to get it. Its Frank Oz… better know for his mad muppeting skillz and as the voice of Yoda. Peter Dinklage is the only member of the cast that I recognize; he is the greatest midget actor since that dude from WILLOW.

THE INVASION is a remake of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and will either be really good or really bad. Nicole Kidman plays a psychiatrist who is the only person cognizant of the fact that there are freaking aliens about (!). To top it all off, her son may be the key to mankind’s salvation. The reason that I have no clue about whether this film will be bad or good is because the director’s chair had to be re-silk screened more than once. Oliver Hirschbiegel put together the rough cut, but Joel Siegel needed more action and enlisted the help of the Wachowski Bros. And when they took off to start SPEED RACER James McTeigue (AKA mini Wach) took over. Dollar says Daniel Craig and Kidman kiss in the film.

THE LAST LEGION is the one film I have no desire to see. In fact, the only thing related to the film that I have a desire to see is Aishwarya Rai. The film is set in 476 AD. As Romulus Augustus is about to become emperor. A Barbarian general and a senator make a deal to kill the 12 year-old Romulus’ father and kidnap the boy. Some dude by the name of Aurelius (where have I heard that name before?) comes to the child’s rescue. The Byzantine empire will give sanctuary to the boy if Aurelius can get him back, so after rounding up some troops and a tagalong Byzantine warrior Mira (hottie Rai) they go after the boy. The group is double-crossed and must find the last legion- Britannia. Did you understand all of that? Me either.

SUPERBAD is going to be the super baddest film of the summer… I think it’s generated as much buzz as TRANSFORMERS. Seth Rogan wrote this thing with an old friend of his when they were 13! The film is about 2 best friends and outcasts as they attempt to purchase booze on the last day of school in an attempt to get into the cool kid’s party. Michael Cera of “Arrested Development” fame plays Evan. Second fiddle is played by Jonah Hill (ACCEPTED, GRANDMA’S BOY, as well as anything Apatow). Christopher Mintz-Plasse makes his big screen debut as McLovin- from what I gather this is the breakout performance of the year. I’d love to show you pictures of Emma Stone, Martha MacIsaac and Aviva (mostly Stone) but they are damn near impossible to come across. Instead I give you interviews from JoBlo and the redband trailer (R rated)

SUPERBAD takes spots 1 through 5 in the Box office.

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are 4 films coming out this week (8/10) and none of them scream, ”Come see me now!” The first and shittiest of the films coming out is DADDY DAY CAMP… a sequel so horrible that they couldn’t even convince Eddie Murphy to come back. STARDUST looks like a generic rip-off of the latest fantasy films with a head scratchingly good cast. SKINWALKERS deals with one of my favorite subjects… Werewolves! The film that will do the best this weekend is RUSH HOUR 3 if you don’t already know a bit about this film welcome back to the conscious world, I hope the atrophy isn’t too bad in your muscles.

DADDY DAY CAMP is the epitome of what is wrong with Hollywood. When a bad movie is made it should not be given another chance. Then, a sequel should never be green lit when the star doesn’t want to come back. Eddie Murphy has made some bad films in his day and DADDY DAY CARE is among them… if he sees the script and is unwilling to cash in the movie must be horrible. The producers got Cuba Gooding Jr. to take over for Murphy. Remember that time that Gooding won an Oscar? Man… those days are long gone. The other strange thing about this horrible excuse for a film is that the director is one Mr. Fred Savage. Yeah, the kid from “ The Wonder Years.” Weird.

STARDUST also looks like junk. Like a number of fantasy films this has both a magical and non-magical world. Our hero ventures into the magical world to capture a newly fallen star (Claire Danes) in order to impress the object of his affection (Sienna Miller). Our hero is not the only one attempting to capture the star. Peter O’Toole plays a lord on his deathbed. In order to claim his thrown his living 3 sons and the ghosts of his 4 dead ones must possess the very same star. There is also the evil witch, played by Michelle Pfeiffer, seeking the star to make her young again, and a pirate by the name of Captain Shakespeare (Robert De Niro) who seeks it for his own purposes. I have no clue how this cast got attached to this film. Ian McKellen is the freaking narrator! I have not seen one preview that made is seem anything other than vanilla and generic. I’m sure I’ll rent it just to see if anybody had a stellar performance.

SKINWALKERS looks very interesting, but I’m a sucker for anything with Werewolves or Vampires. This particular film pits two groups of Werewolves against each other in a quest to seek out a prophetic 13 year-old boy. I guess its cool when Werewolves want to protect you, but it’s defiantly not cool when another group of werewolves wants to bite your face off. The kid is like a werewolf version of Jesus and he can stop the bloodlust that reins their kind, but some don’t want that to happen. They fight a civil war as the boy approaches his transformation. Will he die for the sins of his brethren? Bum, bum, bum!!!

I should probably tell you this right now; I won’t be seeing any of these films in theaters. I’m probably going to rent RUSH HOUR 3 when it comes out, but I don’t feel the need to see it on the big screen. Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan head to Paris in this installment of the series. This time they get mixed up with some Chinese Triads who are trying to blah, blah black joke, blah blah asian joke, blah blah fight scene. Look, I don’t know what happens in the film. I do know that Roman Polanski has a tiny role, Vinnie Jones does too, Noemie Lenior is a hottie and that Sun Ming Ming finally found a job that he is better suited for than basketball. P.S. I don’t think Brett Ratner is a big enough director to put his name in the trailer.

Box Office should look like this: 1. BOURNE ULTAMATUM 2. RUSH HOUR 3 3. SIMPSONS MOVIE 4. STARDUST (on star power) 5. UNDERDOG

* Update* I think I may have changed my mind about STARDUST. It seems that the novel was written my a Minnesota native by the name of Neil Gaiman. He sold his rights to a studio, but got them back after it sat on the shelf. Somehow I overlooked the fact that the producer of LOCK STOCK and SNATCH and director of LAYER CAKE signed on to direct the pic. What all of this amounts to is a very big budget independent film that got financial backing from a studio, but only after the cast was set and creative control was established. I think I'd spend some cash on this if I didn't have a packed weekend already.

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are a seven movies coming out this week (Aug. 3rd) and one is only in New York and L.A.)But I only really want to talk about 3 of them. They are making a BRATZ movie… that will be the only mention of the film and the doll franchise that is turning America’s youth into 12 year-old whores. J-Lo and her husband made a film about some dude who made salsa popular in the U.S. called EL CANTANTE. That will be the last time I mention a biopic made about a dude I don’t know by a chick who is full of herself. UNDERDOG is voiced by Jason Lee and I remember watching the show at my grandma’s when I was little but citing the atrocities that were FAT ALBERT and INSPECTOR GADGET I will not be going into detail. Anne Hathaway stars in BECOMING JANE, about Jane Austin, and I’ve read good reviews but I won’t be seeing this unless forced to by a lovely lady. Odds are I won’t be seeing this.

THE TEN is only being released in New York and Los Angeles but it’s a shame that this film gets two cities while those other briefly mentioned films get to fill up theaters across the country. It is this type of decision that makes me cringe and wonder how studio executives ever got to where they are. The film was written and directed by David Wain from “Stella” and “The State”, Wain also wrote WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER. The film has ten loosely connected stories about each of the 10 commandments. Paul Rudd plays the morally lenient narrator who is the connection between the vignettes. Starring in the film is SPK favorite Jessica Alba, Famke Janssen (X-MEN), Rob Corddry (Daily Show), Adam Brody (O.C.), Kerri Kenney (Reno 911), Winona Rider and Oliver Platt. This is a film that takes chances (vignettes), pokes fun at religion and its got that certain kind of humor that’s hard to find.

SNL flavor of the week Andy Samberg is hitting the big screen for the first time with HOT ROD. For those you who have not watched the show in a while Samberg is the dude spending most of his time spoofing music (Dick in a Box and Lazy Sunday) and making SNL digital shorts. The film is about a loser who decides to impress his stepfather and save his life by becoming a stunt man and jumping 15 busses. This film looks stupid, but in a BILLY MADISON kind of way. From what I’ve read Jorma Taccone is a scene-stealer. Others in the film include Ian McShane (Swearengger in “Deadwood”) as the stepfather, Will Arnett, Chris Parnell and Isla Fisher from WEDDING CRASHERS as Samberg’s love interest. Here is a pretty funny interview from the cast.

Matt Damon is back as Jason Bourne in what is supposed to be the third and final film THE BOURN ULTAMATUM. Now that Bourne is aware of who he is and how he is connected to the American government he is tying up loose ends left behind by the “Treadstone Project.” Bourne is finally taking the fight to the U.S. and the film is gonna be CrazyGoNutz. I love the use of handheld cameras to give it that shaky, in the action feel and the super fast editing that we’ve become accustomed to. On top of all of this I feel like the action has been ramped up for the latest film. Joan Allen, Julia Stiles and Tom Gallop are back and Albert Finney and Edgar Ramirez who plays Bourne’s nemesis will join the cast. I got a nickel says Nicky and Bourne hook up. This is the film to see this week.

Box Office: #1 THE BOURNE ULTAMATUM #2 THE SIMPSONS MOVIE #3 HOT ROD #4 CHUCK AND LARRY #5 HARRY POTTER

In Theaters Tomorrow…

Its probably a good thing that Lindsay Lohan learned how to work the pole for her film that’s releasing this Friday cause I’ve got a feeling that skill will come in handy very shortly. Big Boi tries to redo CADDY SHACK, but comes up short with no gopher to lean on. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE is finally released after years of speculation and ratings decline. Finally, the biggest farce to hit the screen this week has Catherine Zeta-Jones playing the role of chef… I got 5 bucks says she can’t make scrambled eggs.

Ms. Lohan should probably get contract negations started with VH1 for the 2021 reality show “Lindsay Lohan is 35 and still a crack whore” because her career is over. I KNOW WHO KILLED ME follows two identical twins that are played by Lohan and are very unlike THE PARENT TRAP characters of yesteryear. One is a stripper (Not too far of a stretch) the other is a promising college student (this is where the acting lessons kicked in). The stripper may just be a figment of the college student’s mind, which has been disturbed after a run-in with a serial killer… Catch all of that? Didn’t think so. All you need to know is that it was given an R rating for Gory images, Adult content, Nudity and language. This is probably your first and last chance to catch Lindsay Lohan naked until she gets out of jail and Playboy comes knocking. Please, for the love of god, don’t put more money in this girl’s hands… we all know its just going to end up somewhere in Columbia.

WHO’S YOUR CADDY? Angers me and makes me think that Big Boi has not thought out the rest of his career as well as Andre 3000 has. I truly thought that IDLEWILD had elevated the Outkast duo beyond the shitty rapper/actor stage and into the almost uncharted waters of multitalented artists. Big Boi plays a famous rapper (weird) who is not admitted to a country club. This is totally not like Al Czervik whose loudmouth antics almost got him kicked out of his country club. C-Note (Big Boi) and his entourage (Terry Crews- WHITE GIRLS, Andy Milonakis- WAITING, Lil’ Wayne, Bruce Bruce and Tony Cox- BAD SANTA) terrorize Jeffery Jones’ (BEETLE JUICE, THE PEST HOW HIGH) Cummings, basically role of Judge Smails. Boo this film; just about the only thing its got going for it is an appearance by Terry Tate, office linebacker.

I know absolutely nothing about the new SIMPSONS MOVIE. Homer ends up polluting the river that was already polluted- see Blinky. This causes him to lose his job and forces all of Springfield to evacuate. Somehow a pig is involved. I’d like to applaud them for their marketing as it has gotten me interested in a show that I have not watched since Clinton was in office. I’d also like to ask why Malt-O-Meal, which is about 45 minutes away from me, is only selling Krusty-O’s at the 7-Eleven’s that have been remade into Kwik-E-Marts, the closest of which is in Chicago.

NO RESERVATIONS is about a fantastic chef who is forced to take niece after her sister dies, and cope with a new sous chef. Catherine Zeta- Jones plays the chef who believes that she is perfect in every way and if you disagree you are obviously stupid. The problem is that she can’t even cook her niece (Abigail Breslin) macaroni and cheese. It’s ok because Aaron Eckhart makes one hell of a macaroni and cheese and eventually the two will fall in love. This is a remake of the 2001 German film MOSTLY MARTHA, and apparently it’s a sad attempt.

Box Office should be #1 THE SIMPSONS MOVIE #2 HARRY POTTER #3 CHUCK AND LARRY #4 HAIRSPRAY #5 I KNOW WHO KILLED ME or TRANSFORMERS LILO’s boobs get the benefit of the doubt.

P.S. Wes Anderson has a new film coming out in September. Here is the Trailer for THE DARJEELING LIMITED... Just thought you'd like to know

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are three films releasing this week (July 20^th) that are worth mentioning. The musical HAIRSPRAY is a remake/ rewrite of John Waters’ 1988 film of the same name. Adam Sandler and Kevin James get all gay on us with the help of one of SPK’s favorite hottie - one Ms. Jessica Biel. The final film, SUNSHINE, come out in limited release but about 7 months ago you couldn’t go to movie without seeing the trailer.

Apparently the new HAIRSPRAY is based off of the Broadway show that is based off of the original, so it has some new material to go along with the new cast. Waters fans should not be too worried about the new stuff because he signed on to produce the thing. I never thought that Waters’ work would be remade… I’m not a huge fan of his but I just feel that nobody makes a film quite like him outside of possibly a young Pedro Almodovar. The film is of course set in Baltimore, set in the 60’s and revolves around a young, bigger girl who dreams of landing a spot on one of those old dance shows. Eventually the issue of race and segregation gets involved (there are two shows; one white, the other black). This ain’t exactly my cup of tea, but the film has a stellar cast including John Travolta, Christopher Walken, Queen Latifah, Michelle Pfeiffer and former Nickelodeon star and current girl next-door type hottie Amanda Bynes.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY is more my style of film, big fan of comedies and there have been few occasions where Adam Sandler has done me wrong but this may be the one. I mostly blame CBS for my thinking that Kevin James is not funny. Chuck (Sandler) is a bachelor and Larry (James) is a widower, they are both firemen. Larry finds out that his pension will not go to his children unless he is married… his best friend Chuck owes him for saving his life in a fire and is forced to go through with the marriage. Someone checks into the whole thing Biel is their lawyer, she takes off her clothes, Sandler’s friends do a cameo and we’re done. Rent it.

SUNSHINE is set 50 years in the future when our sun is dying and a crew of astronauts is sent out to re-ignite it (suspend reality people). Michelle Yeoh (CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON) is the only actress of note in the film; the guy who played Pablo Escobar in BLOW is also in the film. I wanted to mention this film because the film is directed by Danny Boyle (TRAINSPOTTING, 28 DAYS LATER, THE BEACH). I dig Boyle, he’s got range and he makes a beautiful film. Those looking for a film involving aliens will be disappointed- this film deals with the psychological effects of seeing the same 8 people for over a year and knowing that you are humanity’s last hope. Some stuff blows up, too.

B.O. should look like this #1 HP and the OOTP #2 TRANSFORMERS #3 CHUCK AND LARRY #4 HAIRSPRAY #5 RATATOUILLE

In Theaters Tomrrow???

I gotta do the question mark thing again 'cause HARRY POTTER comes out tomorrow. Its the fifth one, HP AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. It was my favorite book, but the book was long and they missed a ton in the last film so they'll probably end up doing the same. Its like the EMPIRE STRIKES BACK of the Harry Potter world. Ohh Jeez, could I be any nerdier with the STAR WARS reference in a post about Harry Potter? ( I could probably type the word Jeez and leave it in there) I'm probably more excited about the final book coming out cause my jaw hit the floor when that one guy did that one thing to the other guy and I have no clue how its going to end. I hope its not like the Soprano's ending.

The other film coming out this week on the proper film release date is CAPTIVITY. The film stars Elisha Cuthbert as a Model who has been kidnapped by some psycho. Sounds exactly like SAW, two people trapped in a room and being tormented with games. The film only has two things going for it profit wise; the first is Cuthbert's body and the second is the controversy stirred up by a couple of billboards featuring said hottie.

No time for Box offices! I must help a lady celebrate the day of her birth.

In Theaters Tomorrow… And Monday… And Tuesday

Alright ladies and jerk faces, sorry about the tardiness of weekly movie previews, but damn sometimes a brutha got some stuff to take care of. I gonna touch base on two films coming out on Friday June 28^th (probably today by the time I finish writing this), and two that come out in time for the 4^th of July. The First two are RATATOUILLE the new animated Pixar film about a rat with aspirations of becoming a world famous chef and Michael Moore’s documentary SICKO about the American heath system. Coming out on Monday is the film that I think will break all of the box office records, TRANSFORMERS… I’m so excited I just shat a transforming nugget of joy. On Tuesday LICENSE TO WED drops and will most likely make you think that the dude from “The Office”, Jon Krasinski, chose the wrong vehicle for his first foray into film. Ahhh, alliteration.

Not gonna lie, I dig what Pixar does. Can’t think of a film that they have made that I didn’t enjoy (though I never saw CARS). Patton Oswald voices the Main character, Remy. Patton pulls off the over obsessive nerd well and having worked in a fairly nice restaurant myself and knowing a very Oswald like chef I can defiantly see how this character will come across. To add to this I can imagine a very built upon relationship that we saw for a few moments in THE LITTLE MERMAID with Sebastian’s life in constant threat from the crazy French chef. Peter O’Toole, Janeane Garofalo and Will Arnett from “Arrested Development” also lend their voices.

Michael Moore is back and as controversial as ever with SICKO. This time Moore is taking on drug companies, HMOs and his common thread, the government. Moore went as far as to stash a copy of the finished film in Canada for fear of government interference. I always find myself agreeing with the major premises that Moore presents in his film, but sitting through them and thinking that he has an extremely manipulative way of presenting the issue. It a strange feeling to completely agree with someone and at the same time constantly say, “wait a tick, you’re going about this in the wrong way.” Health care is messed up in this country and having someone else who doesn’t even know you decide whether or not you deserve treatment or drugs or surgery is shitty, but Moore is still going to say something that I can’t agree with. I guess that’s his deal and I already know that I’ll see this film at some point in my life and I’ll take most of the information to heart.

On Monday the most anticipated movie of the summer is released and I’m going to be in the middle of Bum fork, Wisconsin attempting to get a ticket with a couple buddies of mine. Lets face it, Michael Bay is good a blowing shit up and now he is bringing one of my favorite cartoons as a child to life. Ohh, Optimus Prime you complete me, and Megatron- you always have and always will be an asshole… leave Earth alone! My boy Shia LaBeouf is back for his one-millionth film of the summer playing the grandson of the man who found Megatron and coincidentally carries the mad to an all-powerful talisman. Megan Fox plays LaBeouf’s girlfriend and give the film a bangable presence. Josh Duhamel, Tyrese and Jon Voight play the military minds in the film and Bernie Mac also manages to appear in the film. Ohh, this film is going to be the shit and it will be the reason that Bruce Willis only tops the Box office for one week.

My girlfriend Mandy Moore comes to theaters on Tuesday with LICENSE TO WED. I have no faith in this film even though its got some great people in it. Robin Williams hasn’t made a good film in quite some time and I’m just not down with the romantic comedy. As I’ve stated before I love “The Office” but I’m just not sure that Jon Krasinski act is going to come off properly in this film. This film feels like a remake of MEET THE PARENTS, but its meet the priest. I don’t know, prove me wrong cause I’d like to have this cast click, but it just doesn’t feel right.

#1 this week will be LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD and #1 for next week will be TRANSFORMERS. Make the rest of the box office yourself. I’m going to bed.

P.S. I’m taking off for Chicago and then Wisconsin this week so this is going to be my last post for a while. Lobby the comments section of this post and maybe you can get Neubie to wax philosophical on the new ball players from Florida or get Bez to preach pitching and a young man by the name of Garza.

In Theaters Tomorrow???

As I said earlier this week LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD is opening tomorrow (Wed. June 27^th) So I figured that I’d give it it’s own special write to go along with the special place I hold in my heart for Bruce Willis films. He is the only 80’s action hero that I accept as an actual actor. Stalone and Shwartzenegger? They have two things in common: steroids and mumbling. At least Arnold is from a different country, Sly. Segal? You’re not Native American dude! And stop hanging out with rappers, I have more street cred than you. Van Damme? I’m a little uncomfortable with a man who does the splits and has a French accent. Chuck Norris? We don’t talk bad about Chuck Norris; he puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter.”

Bruce Willis doesn’t exactly have range, but compared to the others he is Johnny freakin Depp or Philip Seymour Hoffman. I like that he takes bit parts in comedies, or other films that allow him to experiment more. Willis chooses main characters that don’t stray too far from who he actually is. I’m not saying that Willis runs around blowing shit up on a daily basis but he seems like a surly, cocky, fun guy to hang out with. John McClane is my all-time favorite action hero because he doesn’t quite fit the bill. He’s an alcoholic who smokes and swears and curses god for making him get up that day to annihilate and entire group of German bad guys or in the latest film’s case an internet based terrorist group.

I pretty sure that description of the terrorist group was the closest thing we’ll need to a plot description. They try to shut down banks or power grids or something along those lines and McClane blows shit up and says “Yippie Kay Yay, Motherfucker” (which is way better than those cheesy action lines that usually involve some stupid pun). Justin Long (WAITING…, DODGEBALL) plays a friendly hacker who McClane has to transport from one end of Manhatten to the other when the mayhem begins. Kevin Smith is in the film too, and his character’s name is Warlock so I’m guessing that he is some sort of hacker as well. Deadwood’s Timothy Olyphant plays the bad guy, which I don’t really see, but he is supposed to be a computer nerd so I guess I’ll survive. That lovely lady on the left above is Maggie Q. She is officially on the radar and probably would have been sooner if I hadn’t decided to boycott Tom Cruise about two years ago. Q was in MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III and will be in the upcoming BALLS OF FURY which sounds stupid, but has Patten Oswalt and Christopher Walken.

I’ll finish this on Thursday with info on the films that won’t be #1 at the box office.

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are three films coming out tomorrow and I’m not so sure I have faith in any of them. John Cusack and Samuel L. “mutha’ fuckin’” Jackson spend approximately 2 hours in or around a very scary room. Please use an Elmer Fudd accent when saying the last three words of the previous sentence. Steve Carell tries to cash in on a bit part he did prior to his quality roles that he is known and loved for. Brad Pitt produces and Angelina Jolie stars in a film about the life and death of journalist Daniel Pearl.

1408 is based on a Stephen King book by the same name, which I have never read. Stephen king’s work when translated onto film can either be very good (THE SHINNING, THE GREEN MILE, SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION) or terrible (SECRET WINDOW, DREAMCATCHER) Did you know he wrote THE RUNNING MAN? Crazy. John Cusack plays a man who spends time in “haunted” rooms and then writes about how nothing happened… until the Dolphin Hotel. I dig Sam and I also really like Cusack, plus they cast Tony Shalhoub so I hope that the film is good. King says that he is very happy with the trailer and that it really reminds him of THE SHINNING, but is it good or bad if the writer praises the trailer?

EVAN ALMIGHTY picks up a few years after Jim Carrey made Jennifer Aniston’s breasts bigger. Evan Baxter (Steve Carell) is now in politics and was recently elected to congress. Morgan Freeman comes down from heaven and tells the congressman to build an Ark a la Noah. Hilarity ensues. I think. Chances that the moral of the story include something about the environment and global warming? Probably pretty good. It sounds like Universal spent way too much on this film (visual effects, big ass boat, probably some water) but that is neither here nor there. Lets hope that Carell, Wanda Sykes, Molly Shannon and John Goodman can make me laugh and forget that I’m watching the sequel to a film that only slightly entertained me one day.

A MIGHTY HEART is the film with the smallest release and the one that will either be great or make you say, “What were they thinking?” This film is based on a true story that happened not too long ago, but may have escaped your memory. Daniel Pearl was a journalist who was abducted back in 2002 while in Pakistan trying to do a story on Richard “ I got a bomb in my shoe” Reed. Pearl was the journalist who had his beheading released on the Internet. The film’s story focuses more on his wife Mariane’s attempt to locate her husband between the time of his abduction and the time of his death. The film was shot guerilla style in India, sometimes using the crowd that follows Pitt and Jolie everywhere as a backdrop for the media that followed Pearl’s wife around as she searched for her father and Jolie and Mariane are friends so this was made with her blessing and her guidance. The major problem I have with the film is that Jolie is white and Mariane is of mixed race, why wasn’t someone like a Thandie Newton given a chance to play this part. Beautiful people get Oscar noms for uglying up and Jolie switches race when it suits her. I feel Jolie, who act like Mother Theresa if she had slept with everybody, should have sat back, helped produce and let a different actress play this part.

Box office should look like this- 1. EVAN AMLIGHTY (with a little help from the big guy) 2. FANTASTIC 4 Numero dos 3.OCEAN’S 13 4. KNOCKED UP 5. SURF’S UP

In Theaters Tomorrow...

Update: I've noticed that Google sends people to last week's films so hit the tag at the bottom to get info on the most recent films to hit theaters. This was written on June 14th

Do you like bad movies starring hot chicks? Jessica Alba is back in the second FANTASTIC FOUR. Do you like Children’s literature with a female target audience? NANCY DREW comes out this week. Did you think that SHAUN OF THE DEAD lacked a Canadian accent, eh? FIDO offers you the chance to laugh while watching zombies bite people’s faces off. Do you think Jamie Pressly and Miho from SIN CITY should fight each other in bikinis with swords? DEAD OR ALIVE can do that and promise a 3 minute volleyball scene. Do you think the movies coming out this week are going to be pretty shitty? Me too.

I’m not gonna lie; I thought the first FANTASTIC FOUR was a piece of shit and a two hour long billboard. The new one, FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER, will suffer from similar product placement, super cheesy lines, an ending that won’t actually end and fanboys crying about how Galactus looks in the film. Silver Surfer origin story any body? I dug the Sliver surfer when I was a kid… he had a flying surf board, could travel into space and he was indifferent towards the plight of others, all of my favorites share that quality. My all-time comic book cartoons go 1.Spiderman 2. X-men 3. Batman 4. Silver Surfer. Oh yeah… Jessica Alba is a sexy, but terrible actress.

Nancy Drew comes to the big screen in a modernized version of her books this week and most of the critics I’ve read have panned it. The teenage sleuth and her father take a trip to Los Angeles where she attempts to unravel the murder mystery of a film star (check the glove compartment for a bag of coke Nancy) Allusions to CHINA TOWN, MULHOLLAND DRIVE and last years HOLLYWOODLAND as well as a cameo from Bruce Willis don’t seem to be able to save the film and only provide an instance of excitement for the parents forced to see the film.

Billy Connelly plays Fido in FIDO, the story of one boys attempt to keep his pet zombie around after he has accidentally eaten the neighbor. If you don’t know Connelly you’re just not thinking hard enough, he was the father in BOONDOCK SAINTS. Dylan Baker plays the head of the Robinson family and Carrie Ann Moss plays the mother. Moss is of course of THE MATRIX fame and Baker is an actor we’ve all seen before, but even if I list the films you’re going to need IMDB. This is essentially the story of a boy and his dog… if his dog were a 6-foot tall blood thirsty Zombie. I’m actually very interested in this film, but don’t think I’ll get a chance to see it in theaters.

DEAD OR ALIVE is the shittiest of shitty movies coming out this week. The film is based on a “popular” video game series that I am unaware of. Cory Yuen (THE TRANSPORTER) directs this film about 3 female fighters who enter a secret tournament on a secluded island… blah, blah, blah. You know the deal. Jamie Pressly probably should have stuck with “My Name Is Earl.” The other two leads are played by Devon Aoki (Miho) and Holly Valance, whom I had never had the pleasure of knowing. Somehow I stumbled upon this video from DOA of Ms. Valance putting on a bra in the coolest way possible.

Box Office should look like this #1. FANTASTIC FOUR #2. OCEANS #3. KNOCKED UP #4. PIRATES #5. SURFS UP -Wow thats a link heavy post.

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are three notable films coming out this week meaning that Spidey will most certainly be knocked out of the top 5. SURF’S UP has everything a 5 year old could need - penguins, surfing and laughs (for 5 year olds). HOSTEL: PART TWO has everything a sick F*ck could need- S&M, gruesome death scenes and European backpacking. OCEAN’S THIRTEEN has every People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the last 10 years or so and their bestest of friends.

Ok... I lied about OCEAN’S THIRTEEN. They only have 2 two-time winners and the best friend and younger brother of another… but I’m right, right? George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and crew are back with another “crime of the century” film. The problem is that this team of malcontents has pulled three crimes of the century in one century AND enlisted the help of their former adversary. Al Pacino is along for the ride taking Andy Garcia’s place as antagonist. This series is beginning to feel a little contrived and it seems like they made the film to say, “look how much fun we had making this.” In My eyes Don Cheadle can do no wrong, Bernie Mac can always make me laugh and the back and forth between Scott Cann and Casey Affleck is great, so you won’t be entirely out of luck if you are looking for some return on your money but don’t be too surprised if the greatest crime of the century was getting you to spend 8-10 dollars on a ticket. Soderberg had better be on his game and it had better be better than OCEAN’s TWELVE.

Eli Roth is the man behind the lense for HOSTEL 2. He also did the original film and the lesser-known CABIN FEVER. His films have always seemed closer to snuff films than horror films for me. He doesn’t so much scare you in the traditional sense and instead opts to keep the camera on the gruesome act when others would cut away (see the Achilles tendon scene in the original HOSTEL). I’ve heard that the original survivor from the first film, played by Jay Hernandez, is back but this time the film is focused on three girls instead of three dudes. I’m sure this film will be Umber creepy in a non-scary way… he should focus on turning that Thanksgiving thing from GRIND HOUSE into a feature or work on a new project and maybe not get his work leaked onto the Internet next time.

Shia LaBeouf claims this summer for himself with his second of three films to be released in a 3-4 month span. This time he comes in penguin form as the pro surfer being followed by a documentary film crew in SURF’S UP. I thought penguins were more of a winter animal… but I also thought that there would be no need for a surfboard when an animal is so good at swimming. Also lending their voices to this project are Zooey Deschanel (Trillian from THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE, ELF), the “dude” himself- Jeff Bridges, James Woods and Napoleon Dynamite. An animated film posing as a documentary does not sound like the sort of thing I want to watch, but I love “The Office” and its premise involves a documentary film crew. I have decided to boycott the movies this week and instead spend my money on horsies.

Box office should look like this #1 PIRATES #2 OCEAN’S #3 KNOCKED UP #4 SHREK #5 HOSTEL 2

In Theaters Tomorrow…

There are four films worth mentioning this week. First and foremost is KNOCKED UP, Judd Apatow follows up THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN with his film about a one-night stand gone horribly wrong. Also being released tomorrow is MR. BROOKS a psychological thriller about a serial killer starring Kevin Costner. Lucy Liu plays the female version of THE CROW in RISE: BLOOD HUNTER. Our final film is about girls’ soccer and Elisabeth Shue’s attempt to play on the boys’ team back in the seventies.

I have heard nothing but good reviews about KNOCKED UP and that makes me happy. Judd Apatow seems to be the well-deserved flavor of the year as far as comedy writers goes and he brings with him a strong cast of characters and a bunch of friends to play them. Seth Rogan (Cal in 40 YEAR OLD) is not your average leading man, but his comic timing has been spot on ever since he and Apatow started working together on “Freaks and Geeks.” Katherine Heigl AKA the hottie on Gray’s Anatomy plays the other half of the one night stand (wowsers). Apatow cronies Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann play the lead supporting roles, and you’ll get a dose of Harold Ramis and B.J. Novak. This film gets my money this week hands down.

MR. BROOKS is another film that has gotten great reviews. Costner plays Brooks, whose alter ego (William Hurt) Marshall forces the man commit gruesome murders. Dane Cook plays a man who is blackmailing Mr. Brooks in order to learn the ways of a serial killer who has evaded the law for so many years (Dan Cook playing a serious role and the position of apprentice serial killer? Weird) Demi Moore plays the detective and I’m guessing at one point the target of the trio’s homicidal tendencies.

Lucy Liu plays a recently deceased reporter in RISE: BLOOD HUNTER who hunts down her killers. This seems like the type of movie to rent, nothing special but it will fill up some time in an otherwise boring day. This seems like a mix between THE CROW and BLADE… that means vampires, a naked Lucy Liu, Marilyn Manson and Nick Lachey. That’s right, somehow the former Mr. Jessica Simpson ends up in this quasi semi sorta attempt at a vampire movie.

I am extremely confused about the final film, GRACIE. If it were a cool sports film it would be about the legendary fighting Gracies, but instead it is about actress Elizabeth Shue’s attempt to join her school’s men’s soccer team in high school in the seventies. Oddly enough Shue is producing and taking a smaller role in the film, inviting her sister to join in the film and having her husband direct the pic. They had a nationwide search for an “unknown” and came up with Carly Schroeder, who apparently does a great job and does look quite a bit like Shue, which will be a good thing in a few years.

Box Office should look like this #1. PIRATES #2 KNOCKED UP #3 SHREK #4 MR. BROOKS #5 SPIDERMAN

In Theaters Tomorrow...

There is actually only one film coming out this Friday and that is BUG. The reason only one film comes out tomorrow is PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLDS END is dropping today. Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley are wrapping up their swashbuckling trilogy. (though Depp said he is willing to do a PIRATES 4) BUG is a film that blurs the line between paranoia and a harsh freaky/ scary reality… and proves that Ashley Judd is still making films.

I’ll start off with BUG because I’m sure it’s the one that you know less about. This film has a cast of five and was originally a stage play. Judd plays a waitress who is hiding out from her recently paroled abusive husband played by Harry Connick Jr. Judd hooks up with a war vet with some reality issues in the dingy motel that they now call home. I still can’t tell if the bugs are a reality, an illusion or somehow connected to aliens. All I know is that William Friedkin is the director and that man brought us THE EXORCIST and THE FRENCH CONNECTION. Wicked.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLDS END begins with Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann hooking up with Captain Barbossa, the bad guy from the first film, to go save captain Jack from Davy Jones’ locker. At the same time Lord Beckett has formed an alliance with the East India Tea Company to rid the seas of pirates and form an early monopoly. Somewhere in there with sea monsters they managed some truth - The Company transformed from a commercial trading venture to one that virtually ruled India as it acquired auxiliary governmental and military functions, until its dissolution in 1858. I have a feeling that the climax of this film will be great Cap’n Jack and company gather the best pirates from all over the globe to fight the tea hoarders. Geoffrey Rush is back as Barbossa, Chow-Yun Fat plays a notorious pirate and Keith Richards plays Jack Sparrow’s father. I guarantee Depp and Richards consumed copious amounts of rum to “get into character.”

P.S. If given the opportunity I would totally clean Keira Knightley using only my tongue. And she would be tasty

Box office should look like this #1 PIRATES #2 SHREK #3 SPIDEY #4 28 WEEKS LATER #5 BUG

In Theaters Tomorrow...

SHREK THE THIRD shall rule the theaters this weekend and outside of that there really isn’t anything being released. Luke Wilson and his brother Andrew are finally releasing a film that they directed back in 2005 by the name of THE WENDELL BAKER STORY. EVEN MONEY is the other interesting film being released in a limited number of theaters.

EVEN MONEY’s cast is stacked… and most likely the reason it’s hitting the big screen this week. This drama about gambling addiction stars Forrest Whittaker, Kim Basinger, Danny DeVito, Ray Liota and Kelsey Grammer. Nick Cannon, Tim Roth and Jay Mohr also make appearances. From what I’ve read about the film is hit or miss. Some say Basinger and Liota turn in their worst performances in some time… Others say it was worthy of a wider release. All I know is that the executive producers brought us ALPHA DOG and CRASH and the company who picked it up put out FIND ME GUILTY, which was one of the only straight to DVD films that I’ve liked. I’m sure I’ll rent this one day when I’m bored.

THE WENDELL BARKER STORY intrigues me even though it’s missing the Wes Anderson factor. Anderson brings Luke and Owen to another level, but he is missing. Luke Wilson busted his pen out for the film and this time he tries his hand at directing. Basically LW plays a “human trafficker” who is caught busing people across the U.S./ Mexico border and is eventually paroled to an old folks hotel. Once there, Wilson now begins to secretly move the elderly to a better facility. Eva Mendes plays his former girlfriend with whom he is trying to reconcile, Eddie Griffin plays a co-worker at the hotel, Owen plays the man trying to kill Luke and Will Ferrell Shows his ugly mug. Wanna see the trailer?

You all know the back-story on SHREK. SHREK THE THIRD is Shrek’s trek to place Artie (King Arthur) ahead of him as Heir to the thrown of the Kingdom of Far Far Away. Shrek and Fiona are having their first child as Donkey is trying to control his litter of Dronkeys. At some point Donkey and Puss in Boots switch bodies thanks to Eric Idle’s Merlin. While Shrek is away Fiona must band together with all of the other fairytale princesses to quell a coup headed by Prince Charming. SNL alum Cheri Oteri, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph play 3 of the 4 princesses and Justin Timberlake plays Artie. I can’t wait to hear those quotable nuggets that come from Eddie Murphy and I also noticed that Seth Rogan voices a character… remember that name.

Box office goes like this- #1 Shrek #2 Spidey #3 28 Weeks Later #4 Georgia Rule #5 Disturbia