Some People's Kids: So you think your job is pretty sweet, do ya??

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

So you think your job is pretty sweet, do ya??

It may just be. But, by no means, is it the best job out there.

When I was growing up, I idolized many different people. Michael Jordan, Tupac Shakur, Hugh Hefner, even Deion Sanders. I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I could be like them, I could win at this game called life. I could accomplish anything. The sky was the limit for this guy.

Sadly, I had it all wrong. I was grossly mistaken every time I drove the basket with my tongue wagging like MJ and everytime I had my football gloves unbuckled like "Neon Deion" hoping to intercept an arrant pass and high step it into the promised land. The entire time I should have spent my hours and hours of practice trying to be a 6'10" white guy who wears goofy ass knee high socks. Instead of dreaming of playing college ball in Chapel Hill or Tallahassee, I should have been aiming at undergrad in Utah. I should have been aspiring to be Keith Van Horn. I know this now, because as we have just learned, he is officially "The Man."

Today, it became official(FINALLY!), and the New Jersey Nets and Dallas Mavericks completed the long rumored deal that basically sent Jason Kidd to Dallas for Dallas' entire bench, two first round picks, 3 million dollars, and the aforementioned Keith Van Horn. Now you may be saying to yourself, how can Dallas trade Keith Van Horn? Didn't he retire or die or something?? Isn't he tending to some sheep somewhere? You would be like me if you did. Here's where the good part comes in. Since Van Horn hasn't officially filed his retirement papers with the league, and since he is still under contract with an NBA team, he can still be including in trades such as these. Was this savvy on the part of Van Horn? Maybe. Wouldn't surprise me. The guy is the Man after all. Either way, it pretty much breaks down to be that Van Horn will get 4.3 Million dollars to get off his couch, travel to New Jersey to take a physical, and then probably travel back home. Even if he stays with the team, he will only have to bear that great hardship for a month, and then he can proceed to laugh his way to the bank, after a buyout from New Jersey. 4.3 Million dollars for a month's worth of what? Not work. Not even play. Just to be. To be Keith Van Horn.

So like I said earlier, Keith Van Horn is my idol. He has the best job in the history of jobs. Sure, the guy who paints the silicon paint on those swimsuit models bodies has it pretty damn good. But not as good as this guy. This is whats wrong with the NBA though. Bloated, guaranteed contracts to players who suck ass or, in this case, players who haven't played in a couple years. If you don't believe me, look at some of the contracts on the books for this year....

Michael Finley-6th man/Three Point Specialist/25 minutes a night- $21 Million per year
Chris Webber- half season pickup/25 minute a night bit player- $19.5 Million per year
Steve Francis- Oft injured/ Might Retire/ Whiny bitch- $16.4 Million per

And these are just a few. Those don't even include Allen Houston,(20.7 million) Brian Grant,(17.3 Million) and Jalen Rose (16.5 Million) who were getting paid up until last year despite not playing for a couple years or just sitting their asses on the bench in high priced suits. Allen Houston was making 20.7 million dollars a year from the Knicks while being an analyst on ESPN... Sad.

I'm sure Shawn Kemp is still getting his 19 mill a year from the Portland Trail Blazers. Which is good for his sake with all those damn ill-legitimate kids running around. And I'm cool with that too, because someone keeps paying for my schooling, and I think it's Shawn Kemp.

So what now for Van Horn? Will he actually suit up for a game or two? I would kinda like to see him get bitched again by Marcus Camby, like he is in this picture. But then again, New Jersey is clearly building for the future and no where in that thought process is Keith Van Horn even mentioned. He will probably go back to what he was doing before, but this time with a lot more money.

I think the real question that presents itself to me now is.. What steps do I take from here? Is there a Keith Van Horn major? Do I have to do an internship helping Keith tend sheep? I gotta get on that shit. I have to figure out how to live by the mantra, WWKVHD?

1 comment:

Jay said...

wow that picture is ridiculous ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Good show sir!!