In Theaters Tomorrow…

Its probably a good thing that Lindsay Lohan learned how to work the pole for her film that’s releasing this Friday cause I’ve got a feeling that skill will come in handy very shortly. Big Boi tries to redo CADDY SHACK, but comes up short with no gopher to lean on. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE is finally released after years of speculation and ratings decline. Finally, the biggest farce to hit the screen this week has Catherine Zeta-Jones playing the role of chef… I got 5 bucks says she can’t make scrambled eggs.

Ms. Lohan should probably get contract negations started with VH1 for the 2021 reality show “Lindsay Lohan is 35 and still a crack whore” because her career is over. I KNOW WHO KILLED ME follows two identical twins that are played by Lohan and are very unlike THE PARENT TRAP characters of yesteryear. One is a stripper (Not too far of a stretch) the other is a promising college student (this is where the acting lessons kicked in). The stripper may just be a figment of the college student’s mind, which has been disturbed after a run-in with a serial killer… Catch all of that? Didn’t think so. All you need to know is that it was given an R rating for Gory images, Adult content, Nudity and language. This is probably your first and last chance to catch Lindsay Lohan naked until she gets out of jail and Playboy comes knocking. Please, for the love of god, don’t put more money in this girl’s hands… we all know its just going to end up somewhere in Columbia.

WHO’S YOUR CADDY? Angers me and makes me think that Big Boi has not thought out the rest of his career as well as Andre 3000 has. I truly thought that IDLEWILD had elevated the Outkast duo beyond the shitty rapper/actor stage and into the almost uncharted waters of multitalented artists. Big Boi plays a famous rapper (weird) who is not admitted to a country club. This is totally not like Al Czervik whose loudmouth antics almost got him kicked out of his country club. C-Note (Big Boi) and his entourage (Terry Crews- WHITE GIRLS, Andy Milonakis- WAITING, Lil’ Wayne, Bruce Bruce and Tony Cox- BAD SANTA) terrorize Jeffery Jones’ (BEETLE JUICE, THE PEST HOW HIGH) Cummings, basically role of Judge Smails. Boo this film; just about the only thing its got going for it is an appearance by Terry Tate, office linebacker.

I know absolutely nothing about the new SIMPSONS MOVIE. Homer ends up polluting the river that was already polluted- see Blinky. This causes him to lose his job and forces all of Springfield to evacuate. Somehow a pig is involved. I’d like to applaud them for their marketing as it has gotten me interested in a show that I have not watched since Clinton was in office. I’d also like to ask why Malt-O-Meal, which is about 45 minutes away from me, is only selling Krusty-O’s at the 7-Eleven’s that have been remade into Kwik-E-Marts, the closest of which is in Chicago.

NO RESERVATIONS is about a fantastic chef who is forced to take niece after her sister dies, and cope with a new sous chef. Catherine Zeta- Jones plays the chef who believes that she is perfect in every way and if you disagree you are obviously stupid. The problem is that she can’t even cook her niece (Abigail Breslin) macaroni and cheese. It’s ok because Aaron Eckhart makes one hell of a macaroni and cheese and eventually the two will fall in love. This is a remake of the 2001 German film MOSTLY MARTHA, and apparently it’s a sad attempt.

Box Office should be #1 THE SIMPSONS MOVIE #2 HARRY POTTER #3 CHUCK AND LARRY #4 HAIRSPRAY #5 I KNOW WHO KILLED ME or TRANSFORMERS LILO’s boobs get the benefit of the doubt.

P.S. Wes Anderson has a new film coming out in September. Here is the Trailer for THE DARJEELING LIMITED... Just thought you'd like to know