Some People's Kids: Bathroom Hazing

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Bathroom Hazing

This post is from ketel one.

The bathroom at my work is very nice. Almost a little too nice for comfort. This special place could be considered a Metropolis of urinals and shitters. When you walk into the bath room the entire bathroom is lined with grey granite tile and to the right is a small ledge for weird people to leave things on when they are taking care of business. Then, right after the ledge is a closet with double doors that is really creepy. I have no idea what is in the closet. At one point in time, I thought there could possibly be an old Catholic Priest in there pretending I was an alter boy, but I try not to think about that anymore for sleeping reasons. Following that to the right, is four black marble sinks aligned with squeaky clean mirrors. To the left, three pearly-white porcelain urinals where I spend most of my time due to the large consumption of water. To no ones surprise, in the back of the room is three compartments that are divided by three white walls that stand 6, if not 6.5 feet tall. In them, is the secret to complete tranquility and nirvana. The Shitter.

I try to spend at least 10-15 minutes a day in this area in the same shitter. I always sit in the handicap one, which is the one that is furthest from the door. I know what your thinking, that this is pretty mean. If you have ever sat in the handicap shitter than you would know that it is like flying Virgin Airlines when you are used to flying Northwest. All right, I'm an A-SS-HO-LE. Sometimes I even park in the handicapped spaces, while handicapped people make handicapped faces.

Anyways, during this time, I attempt to relax, think, or play video hold em' on my phone. I go in to this situation thinking nothing about being bothered by another homosapian. However, lets just put it this way…probably once a week I will be in the bathroom at work dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool when I hear someone walk in the bathroom. And I know it is the same guy, because he always has on the same shoes. Not afraid to let it ride, I continue to do my business without even blinking. Although, I always listen to figure out if this person is going to join me in heavenly-bliss or just water the urinal. Sure enough, this person always comes and sits right next to me. I mean come on…You're trying to tell me that there is three shitters and I'm sitting in the one furthest away from the door, but you choose to sit right next to me. Nothing chaps my ass more than someone that does this. I don't know if he wasn't hugged enough as a kid and he needs the constant closeness or he is cold and he needs to use my body heat as a source of energy. Either way, it is pretty weird.

I would never in my life sit next to someone when I was taking a shit. Unless there is only one shitter left and it was next to someone. Naturally, I start making really gross noises to try to scare the person out, but that never works. Grunting, fake farting noise never work. This guy is as hard to break as Scott Nyugen in the World Series of Poker. So, I just finish and move on with my day pissed about this mystery man that is addicted to taking a shit right next to me. What a jerk face!

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