Some People's Kids: In Theaters Tomorrow…

Thursday, April 12, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow…

Looks like this week’s offering is a repetitive case of good cast, bad plot. Halle Berry and Bruce Willis try to entertain you by instant messaging each other TO DEATH! The extremely talented Shia LeBeouf watches his neighbor murder red heads. The Vikings leave a child behind in N. America and really regret it. Frylock, Meatwad and Master Shake try to take a 15-minute show with now plot onto the big screen for 6 times as long… no word on whether or not they attempted a plot. Molly Shannon cries over a dead dog. Salma Hayak and Jered Leto kill lonely women for fun. Eddie Griffin crashes Ferraris (this time its in a film). Ray Liotta and LL Cool J try their hands at THE USUAL SUSPECTS.

In PERFECT STRANGER Berry plays a journalist trying to find her best friend’s killer. Willis plays the head of a fortune 500 business and the main suspect. Somehow Giovanni Ribisi is involved and that is awesome. I’m a big Bruce Willis fan and I of course love Halle “make me feel good!” Berry, but good actors can’t fix bad writing.

DISTURBIA is something that I have wanted to see for a while… until recently. I think that Lebeouf (Evan Stevens -I, ROBOT- HOLES) is a great actor and will become a force to be reckoned with, look for him in TRANSFORMERS this summer. Lebeouf plays a kid who is sentences to house arrest and has nothing to do but spy on the neighborhood. Carrie Ann Moss of THE MATRIX plays the mom, but I heard she isn’t very good. David Morse (PROOF OF LIFE, 16 BLOCKS, BAIT, THE NEGOTIATOR) is the bad guy and I like him. The film sounds like REAR WINDOW, but the guy who did RED EYE wrote it… I heard that the first 2/3 is great but the climax is lacking. I think it may be the best this week, but only by default.

PATHFINDER is the story of a Viking child who is left behind by his clan after an attack on a Native American village. I heard that this film was based on a graphic novel, but I also heard that it’s an English remake of Norwegian film and I don’t know which is right (or if they both are). I guess if you’re stoned the film could be good, but that can be said about a million bad films. The one thing that stands out about this film is that the main character will not look funny wielding a sword; he was Eomer in the final two installments of THE LORD OF THE RINGS.

AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE COLON MOVIE FOR THEATERS is bigger, longer and uncut version of the Adult Swim cartoon. I have to admit that I really like the cartoon, but there is no need for a real plot in a 15 minute cartoon and I think that the best aspect of the cartoon is it’s lack of plot. ATHF is like a 15-minute fart joke or a case study in how to avoid television norms. Fortunately, their fan base already consists of potheads and devotees, so this review will have effect on ticket buyers. I’ll rent the thing.

YEAR OF THE DOG is a dark comedy (?) about a secretary who has just lost her pet. This cast looks like the best so far and it has a writer/director who has done some good stuff, but I just don’t believe in it. Besides Molly Shannon the cast includes Peter Sarsgaard, Laura Dern, and John C. Reilly. Mike White is our Auteur; he helped write NACHO LIBRE, THE GOOD GIRL, ORANGE COUNTY and CHUCK AND BUCK- his film career is full of ok films but nothing special and the fact that this is a limited release makes me think that it isn’t worth the 8 dollars.

LONELY HEARTS is a remake of a ‘70’s film about a pair of serial killers who prey on rich widows. Once again a great cast; Salma Hayak, John Travolta, Jared Leto, James Gandolphini (Tony Soprano, you dummy) Dern again and Scott “my daddy is famous” Cann. I guess the director is the grandson of Travolta’s character. This one might be worth checking out, but it has been sitting around waiting to be released and that always makes me weary.

REDLINE is basically The Fast and The Furious 7- or whatever we’re up to right now. It does not deserve an entire paragraph and Griffin should be ashamed for wrecking a Ferrari Enzo.

SLOW BURN stars Ray Liotta, LL Cool J, the chick from one of the Star Treks and some other familiar faces. This film also looks semi-interesting until I found out it was made 4 years ago. 4 years! It’s a wonder this was never a direct to DVD deal.


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