Some People's Kids: In Theaters Tomorrow...

Thursday, April 26, 2007

In Theaters Tomorrow...

One word describes this week’s offerings… yawn. Nicholas Cage and Jessica Beil’s breasts hit the screen in an action flick. Some dead kid tries to figure out how he died, says, “ I see live people.” Jamie Kennedy makes me try to kick myself in the face. Wrestler turned actor “stone cold” Steve Austin kills an entire island full of degenerates for an Internet reality T.V. show. In limited release Paul Rudd and Maura Tierney, a guy from “The State” and one of the chicks from “Six Feet Under” star in a film about clam diggers and I am one of 32 people who understood all of those references.

Your box office winner (for lack of a better film) will be Nick Cage’s NEXT. NEXT is about a former magician who can see into the future and must stop some terrorist. Why? Because terrorism is totally hot right how. The film claims to based on real events, but since I’ve never met anyone who can see into the future I call bullshit. The film is based on a Phillip K. Dick novel, but it has been Hollywoodified and thus filled with suckitude. (Books made into films include TOTAL RECALL, BLADE RUNNER, A SCANNER DARKLY, and MINORITY REPORT) Julianne Moore stars alongside Cage and Biel. One-day Biel will get naked and I will die of happiness shortly there after, but until then don’t bother wasting your money.

THE INVISIBLE vexes me, I am terribly vexed. Writer/Director David S. Goyer, known for his superhero films including the BLADE series and the new BATMAN series, directs this film with no stars and no superheroes in sight. A kid dies and wanders earth as a ghost trying to get his loner friend to see him and help him solve his murder mystery. I saw it describes as a cross between GHOST and BRICK.

Jamie Kennedy is not funny, and he tries to prove it once again in KICKIN’ IT OLD SKOOL. Kennedy- the broke man’s Seth Green- plays a guy who knocked himself out attempting to break dance 20 years ago and has now woken out of his coma. The saving graces of this film may come in the form of Bobby Lee and David Hasselhoff and the mom from “That 70’s Show”. If you liked “I love the 80’s” or just the 80’s in general you may laugh at some point during this film. Shoot me.

THE CONDEMNED plays like a royal rumble with killing and weapons. Stone Cold plays a man on death row in a Central American country that is purchased by a TV producer. I think I smell a RUNNING MAN rip off. VINNIE JONES, made famous as Bullet Tooth Toney and Big Chris in Guy Richie’s better films, is Austin’s main antagonist among many. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this film may suck.

DIGGERS is the film that nobody will see, be able to see or regret but they should. Paul Rudd (ANCHORMAN, 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN) is one of the funniest and under appreciated actors around. Adding to Rudd is a stellar cast including Lauren Ambrose who plays Claire on “Six Feet Under”, Ron Eldard from “ER”, Writer/actor Ken Marino who has been on “Reno: 911”, “Stella”, “The State” and an handful of other fantastic comedy shows, Sarah Paulson from “Studio 60” and Maura Tierney from “NewsRadio.” I love all of those programs and am fully confident that I will love this film. Rudd plays a clam digger living in a town full of clam diggers whose fathers were clam diggers. When his father dies and his inherited business is in danger of being swallowed by a corporate entity he must drop his slacker attitude and take charge of his life. I know it sounds stupid, but there are too many factors adding up to allow this film to be bad.


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