Robert Horry’s playoff adventure #212

(Editors Note: Once in a very blue moon Mr. Robert Horry stops by to give us his old and decrepit thoughts on the playoffs. Considering the man has been to every one since dinosaurs ruled the earth we figured he’d have some insight on just about everything.)

Well ain’t that aboutabitch, the Spurs went and lost their fist game… and at home no less. I’ll tell you why it happened- they didn’t put me out on the court in the final seconds. Coach Pop musta forgot my nickname was “big shot Bob.” I had a feeling we was gonna lose before the game even started. When I came into the locker room I asked Tim Duncan what he was listening to (because I didn’t have my hearing aids in yet) and he said Kenny G. I figured this was Warren G’s younger brother but he told me it was adult-contemporary-I-don’t-even-know-the-fuck-what. Then Pop went and forgot the Geritol, I can’t be goin’ on the court with low Iron in my blood.

When I’m on the sidelines I usually sit by Brent Barry, Bruce Bowen and Micheal Finley cause them bitches is old too. Plus outside of Tim everybody else be talking Spanish and shit… I went to Alabama Goddamnit, I don’t speak no Spanish. I thought you got a championship ring just for being in the league. I was like, “how many you got, Micheal? Probably 5.” And he got all pissy and called me a prick. I got news for you Finley, I may be a prick but I’m a prick with 6 rings.

Later on Coach Pop put me out on the floor to try and talk some sense into Melo. I told him if I had done what he did to New York Walt Frazier would have slapped the shit out of me. That boy is lucky he only had to deal with Nate “25 cents” Robinson. Melo started talking some shit about my oxygen tank and sent that big Brazilian bastard Nene after me. I’m liable to break a goddamn hip out here so I made Pop take me back off.

I wanted to go back in at the end of the game but Pop was like “you wanted out.” I told him it was my time and I felt the fire, but he said that was just arthritis. I was like all I do is win, I got this 3. All we needed was a 3 and he goes with some young bucks who don’t answer to the name “big shot Bob.” At least Duncan’s grandma taped “Matlock” for me, I was afraid I was gonna miss it.